SALAD, FISH, AND COOKIES!

If you're looking for a recipe for Diarrhea, I think I found it!

HOW TO INSTALL A SHOWER "THINGY"

It's called the "REGENT TENSION POLE WHITE DURA COAT"

WHAT???

Yeah. It's made in China.

The only part that makes sense is "Tension."

It's supposed to make your life easier in the shower.

"Where is my shampoo? I can't see- I have soap in my eyes! Oh thank God for the "REGENT TENSION POLE WHITE DURA COAT"- I know that even when I have my eyes closed, I can reach out my arm at 45 degrees and I will find a "euro-styled bin" (which means shelf if you're a Chinese copywriter) with one of my products in a pretty bottle. Ahhhh...No more tears! No more "one bottle in every corner!" Success!

UNLESS you can't install the effing thing, because your ceiling isn't the perfect height.

UNLESS you almost kill yourself when you shoot the "tension loaded" spring across the bathroom at 150 mph, while simultaneously slipping off your perch, (which my groin tells me was the "almost splits").

UNLESS you spend two hours deciphering the directions, which include the following step:

Step 7 (SEVEN..feel free to visualize me going through steps 1-6)

Referring back to Step 1- if you are installing the Pole Caddy on top of a tub, skip Step 3B and Step 8 and go to Step 9 and Step 10

What kind of technical writers do they hire in China?

"Must be able to write English words in no particular order regarding components of product, loosely refer to technical drawing, and confuse consumer by not addressing all the parts, calling components three different names, and writing instructions out of order."

Brilliant.

I want to start a company for these things. I will call it the

LOTS OF TENSION POLE CADDY JUICY NO FUN TIME SHOWER THINGY.

It will be FREE...but every customer will be required to send me a video of them trying to figure out the instructions, comparing the height of their ceiling with the combination of poles included, and/or shooting the spring across the room or in their face.

I will make millions. Videos are hot right now. DUH.

But until then, I'm gonna have to settle for one bottle in every corner, writing a blog to diffuse the rage, and returning that bitch tomorrow.

That that China.

SLEEPING AROUND

I'm tired of sleeping around.

Okay. I haven't been sleeping around...just ALL OVER.

I've been back in LA for a little over a week, and tonight I'm FINALLY in my new place- A home! or at least a homebase for a few months. No more sleeping around!

In the past month since getting off the ship, I've stayed on one pull-out couch, four beds, two regular couches, a sweet plug-in blow-up mattress, a recliner, and one hard-wood floor (next to a cat box-but that was my own fault).

I've slept in three awesome apartments, two beautiful houses, two funky duplexes, one fancy loft (with rats and homeless people fighting for space on the sidewalk outside) and one hollywood hotel (none of your business!)

I've taken people up on countless offers-towels, blankets, pillows, food, coffee, laundry facilities, wireless internet, shampoo and alcohol, and even the use of someone's car (for a whole week!)

And right now, I'm sitting in my new place, on a borrowed bed (until mine can be delivered), with no posessions aside from the two suitcases I brought off the ship, and I'm thankful.

I'm thankful that I have such amazing friends and family who are there when I need them, ready to lend a hand (or a couch or a car).

To all the selfless, beautiful people in my life who have done so much for me in the past few weeks (and years)- THANK YOU. You know who you are, you know that I love you, and I'm thankful that you are in my life.

And to ALL of you....I peed in your shower. :)