Girlie Haikus
Every Month, we write Haikus at Small Gravy. They are small poems, and we cover them in Gravy.
Last Night, Amber Tozer and I performed our girl-slanted Haikus, and she also posted them in her blog, because we are twins. Look hers up. They are funny too.
Here are mine. Enjoy!
My Boobs Hurt Real Bad
Seven Eleven
You are my God and Saviour
PMS Food: YUM.
ALASKA'S SCORE
Hockey Mom done good
Raised a 1st Class Child Ho Bag.
Baby Makes a GOAL!
GREEN GIRL
Bottles, Paper, Cans
I recycle one more thing-
Ex-boyfriends; Uh-Oh.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
PHAT JOKES
PHAT JOKES
So there's a lot of BIG GIRL energy going on in my life right now. First, I co-wrote a sketch for my Groundling Lab class...it's about a woman who's struggling with her weight...her husband ate her peach(one of her few healthy treats), and she blows up. It's a funny sketch.
And the other day, I almost got to do a part on a web series that is getting a lot of buzz....but the jist of the scene was that some guy got stuck with the "fat chick." Always HILARIOUS right? Luckily, I voiced my concern...and the guys actually changed the scene. They understood how it might come off, and so they re-wrote it. Of course, they also wrote me OUT of the episode completely (which I didn't find out until I drove all the way to Santa Monica. Oops!) ...so that was a bummer, BUT let's call it a victory, because now there will be one less fat joke on the internet.
But then last night, I saw that some guy posted a comment about me being fat and homely on www.bitterlawyer.com (Living the Dream episode 6 -YALE). Homely? That hurts.
And THEN I got a casting notice from some Comedy Central show... they send you specific notices based on your profile...and this was the listing:
"OBESE WOMAN NEEDED TO APPEAR IN A SKETCH COMEDY SHOW WITH SHIRT OFF, WEARING BRA."
REALLY? SERIOUSLY? Okay, Universe. I hear you! I'm going to the fucking gym! Get off me already.
Yeah, I'm gonna start going to the gym. For realz. But first, I'm probably gonna submit my headshot for that show. Because hey, it's Comedy Central. And I figure as long as the universe is shoving my phatness down my throat, maybe I should get paid for it.
Who's a hypocrite? Come on, raise your hands with me!
So there's a lot of BIG GIRL energy going on in my life right now. First, I co-wrote a sketch for my Groundling Lab class...it's about a woman who's struggling with her weight...her husband ate her peach(one of her few healthy treats), and she blows up. It's a funny sketch.
And the other day, I almost got to do a part on a web series that is getting a lot of buzz....but the jist of the scene was that some guy got stuck with the "fat chick." Always HILARIOUS right? Luckily, I voiced my concern...and the guys actually changed the scene. They understood how it might come off, and so they re-wrote it. Of course, they also wrote me OUT of the episode completely (which I didn't find out until I drove all the way to Santa Monica. Oops!) ...so that was a bummer, BUT let's call it a victory, because now there will be one less fat joke on the internet.
But then last night, I saw that some guy posted a comment about me being fat and homely on www.bitterlawyer.com (Living the Dream episode 6 -YALE). Homely? That hurts.
And THEN I got a casting notice from some Comedy Central show... they send you specific notices based on your profile...and this was the listing:
"OBESE WOMAN NEEDED TO APPEAR IN A SKETCH COMEDY SHOW WITH SHIRT OFF, WEARING BRA."
REALLY? SERIOUSLY? Okay, Universe. I hear you! I'm going to the fucking gym! Get off me already.
Yeah, I'm gonna start going to the gym. For realz. But first, I'm probably gonna submit my headshot for that show. Because hey, it's Comedy Central. And I figure as long as the universe is shoving my phatness down my throat, maybe I should get paid for it.
Who's a hypocrite? Come on, raise your hands with me!
Monday, September 1, 2008
WHAT I’VE LEARNED THIS SUMMER
WHAT I’VE LEARNED THIS SUMMER
I have been in LA for two years. BUT this has been my first full summer here. How does that happen, you ask? Well, I moved out here at the end of August, and last year I was on a ship the whole summer. So at the end of my first whole summer in LA, I can honestly say: what's the big deal?
I didn't do anything special over the past three months. I had a summer fling (just like Grease!), but that's over now. Danny Zuko moved to Portland. I went to the beach once with my niece and her family, I drove down to Newport, went hiking a few times, and had a couple BBQs. I did go to the Rose Bowl for the 4th of July, but I didn't really do anything amazing. Unlike last summer, (the summer of skin) where I was living in beachy tropical locations for four months, this summer I didn't get into a pool or go into the ocean at all. But I'm not sad that I didn't do more summer-y things....because hey, guess what? IT'S SUMMER ALL YEAR ROUND HERE PEOPLE!
What is concerning to me, however, is that two days ago, I uttered the following words and I instantly saw my life flash before my eyes:
"You just can't find good produce lately."
WHAAAAATTTTT THE EFFFF??? Who am I?
I puked in my mouth a little. And after that "scared straight" moment, I quickly went to a bar with friends from work, and later I went to a comedy show on a rooftop downtown, and then to a house party where there was string cheese in a bowl next to the beer....
WHEEWWWWWW! CLOSE CALL!
Michelle: 1, Adulthood: 0
Speaking of adulthood, I had a weird experience the other night. After having a few mixed drinks with diet coke, I woke up at 4:45 am, and my heart was POUNDING like crazy. I couldn't catch my breath, I had to get up walk around, get some water, and stare at the ceiling for 40 minutes before I could finally get back to sleep. Caffeine overload? Who knows...but it was scary.
It could have been an anxiety attack. I'm taking a class right now at the Groundlings (The Writing Lab), and it just turned into a slightly abusive boyfriend. It's challenging and stressful, but in a good way. We have a show coming up in a couple weeks, and it's scary, but I'm really looking forward to it. My class is full of funny mofos. I can't wait to see what kind of stuff we put together.
In other news, I had an audition the other day for a part that was described as "upper crust lady" on the breakdown...and when I went in, they told me it was changed to "Back woods-y lady" right as I was about to start. I think what I gave them came off more "Upper woods-y." It was fun to audition again though...and I made them laugh, so who cares!
I heart you all,
Upper Woods-y Miracle
I have been in LA for two years. BUT this has been my first full summer here. How does that happen, you ask? Well, I moved out here at the end of August, and last year I was on a ship the whole summer. So at the end of my first whole summer in LA, I can honestly say: what's the big deal?
I didn't do anything special over the past three months. I had a summer fling (just like Grease!), but that's over now. Danny Zuko moved to Portland. I went to the beach once with my niece and her family, I drove down to Newport, went hiking a few times, and had a couple BBQs. I did go to the Rose Bowl for the 4th of July, but I didn't really do anything amazing. Unlike last summer, (the summer of skin) where I was living in beachy tropical locations for four months, this summer I didn't get into a pool or go into the ocean at all. But I'm not sad that I didn't do more summer-y things....because hey, guess what? IT'S SUMMER ALL YEAR ROUND HERE PEOPLE!
What is concerning to me, however, is that two days ago, I uttered the following words and I instantly saw my life flash before my eyes:
"You just can't find good produce lately."
WHAAAAATTTTT THE EFFFF??? Who am I?
I puked in my mouth a little. And after that "scared straight" moment, I quickly went to a bar with friends from work, and later I went to a comedy show on a rooftop downtown, and then to a house party where there was string cheese in a bowl next to the beer....
WHEEWWWWWW! CLOSE CALL!
Michelle: 1, Adulthood: 0
Speaking of adulthood, I had a weird experience the other night. After having a few mixed drinks with diet coke, I woke up at 4:45 am, and my heart was POUNDING like crazy. I couldn't catch my breath, I had to get up walk around, get some water, and stare at the ceiling for 40 minutes before I could finally get back to sleep. Caffeine overload? Who knows...but it was scary.
It could have been an anxiety attack. I'm taking a class right now at the Groundlings (The Writing Lab), and it just turned into a slightly abusive boyfriend. It's challenging and stressful, but in a good way. We have a show coming up in a couple weeks, and it's scary, but I'm really looking forward to it. My class is full of funny mofos. I can't wait to see what kind of stuff we put together.
In other news, I had an audition the other day for a part that was described as "upper crust lady" on the breakdown...and when I went in, they told me it was changed to "Back woods-y lady" right as I was about to start. I think what I gave them came off more "Upper woods-y." It was fun to audition again though...and I made them laugh, so who cares!
I heart you all,
Upper Woods-y Miracle
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