Things I’m not doing in Denver on Christmas

If I was in Denver right now, I would be:

Hanging out with my family.

Driving in the snow.

Eating a LOT. Cheesy broccoli rice casserole anyone? Pumpkin cream cheese rolls? YES please.

Doing a show tonight at the squire with all my comedy boyfriends. Christmas on Colfax....spreading holiday mirth to Denver's favorite orphans and meth-heads. God that sounds like fun.

Going to See DeVotchka at the Merc on Friday, where I would be able to see Chrissy, Susan, and possibly Karey and Stella...

Seeing all my improv friends; going to the Bovine to see some shows.

Drinking beer with the impulse kids after their show. Laughing with Chris.

Walking to Eric's in the snow, making stops at Brian & Sara's, Pam & Mike's, Patsy & Jeb's...

Scraping ice off my car. Wearing gloves.

But instead, I'm stuck in LA, in the 60 degree weather, still in my pajamas. I haven't gone outside all day. I've been baking a CRAPLOAD of goodies, whipping up a fancy christmas dinner for one, and watching guilty-pleasure dumb movies.

No Christmas Shower for this lady! No Christmas hustling around, and no stress. Just me and my baked goods....making out hardcore.

I hope you're having fun without me Denver! See you next year, you crazy bitch!

WHAT I’VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

It's time for another installment.

1. My avoidance of all things Christmas has also helped keep me in a good mood for 2/3 of December. (tonight I thought I would just pick up a few small gifts for clients, and I discovered the old christmas gloomsies, right where I left them. HATE IT.

2. The more holiday treats you make and don't give away, the more you eat.

3. I think there should be a Walk of Shame Hall of Fame.

4. When some guy makes you lift the band-aid off his "mole removal wound" immediately after a show, you know the mole joke is a keeper.

5. When you pick up dog poop and your first thought is, "mmm. yeah. I'm gonna have some chicken for dinner too," it's time to hang out with people.

6. When you bowl a 209, everyone wants a piece of you.

7. Stopping yourself from sending a drunk message is called PROGRESS. Accidentally sending it when you're sober is called SUNDAY

8. I can only chew gum for about five minutes before I want to spit it out.

9. I have little pockets of my brain that open up at the strangest times, revealing words, phrases, or bits of knowledge that I had no idea were there. (the word TINCTURE came out of my mouth the other day...what the hell?)

10. When your friend records a special ringtone for your calls...an obscure phrase in a strange voice of HIS OWN, it makes both of you laugh when you call.

11. Being on a kickass improv team is exactly what I needed, in this crazy town at this crazy time.

12. Working in porn (even part-time) is like riding a bicycle. A horrible, broken bicycle with skinhead stickers (which you can't scrub off even with Goo Be Gone) that you bought at a yard sale and are too ashamed to ride in your cultured neighborhood.

13. When porn star grabs your boobs and says they are nice, it is a compliment. When a co-worker shows that video to a room full of producers, it feels more like love.

THE NEW BLOG BLOG

I have been contemplating what to write a blog about for about 3 weeks. A lot of important people are reading this, and I do not want to disappoint. I have posted SIXTY-NINE blogs. So number 70 better be good, right? I am under a lot of pressure here guys!

So until I figure out what to write about, I thought I'd give you a list of the things that I've been considering. A few subjects that I've been chewing on, or masticating, or digesting, if you will.

You can chime in on your favorite- or you can just ask the universe to send me your request. Who knows, maybe the brand new blog you ask for will be delivered under your tree along with a new bike. Shhhh...it's the secret.

1. What's in my purse today

2. My favorite things to say to Patches, the new dog I'm walking. I'm convinced that you can say anything to a dog in a "good boy!" voice and the dog will think it has just cured cancer.

3. Things to do in Burbank with five dollars and chest hair.

4. The story about me getting groped by a porn star. ..

5. Weekly bowling highlights- which might include the following:

Conversations overheard "on the back line."

The best "bowler jabs" of the night

"What I ate at the snack bar."

6. Things I've shamefully googled

7. A video of me doing yoga (secretly in my room)

8. An updated version of "LAUNDROMAT OF FUN"

9. Things that have/haven't changed in LA in five months

10. Drunk texting

11. Ways to tell that LA is the BEST place in the universe to do comedy

12. Awkward things to discover in your desk

13. The story about how google is a cock-blocker.

14. How to spend $60 at Vons and have not one complete meal to show for it.

15. The story about how I met the guy from that show that got cancelled, and how I (in under five minutes) gave him a compliment and shattered his dreams.

16. If you can't get a guy to touch your naughties in real life, do it on stage!

17. My editorial piece on Circuit City (hint: it involves an external hard drive and a bag of dicks)

18. The story about the day I walked the picket line with KEN OBER. (hint: my calves still hurt).

19. SMALL GRAVY!!! (a new show that's coming to a theater near you- if you live near the theater)

20. The Gorilla Glue experiment



Hearts and farts,

Miracle

SALAD, FISH, AND COOKIES!

If you're looking for a recipe for Diarrhea, I think I found it!

HOW TO INSTALL A SHOWER "THINGY"

It's called the "REGENT TENSION POLE WHITE DURA COAT"

WHAT???

Yeah. It's made in China.

The only part that makes sense is "Tension."

It's supposed to make your life easier in the shower.

"Where is my shampoo? I can't see- I have soap in my eyes! Oh thank God for the "REGENT TENSION POLE WHITE DURA COAT"- I know that even when I have my eyes closed, I can reach out my arm at 45 degrees and I will find a "euro-styled bin" (which means shelf if you're a Chinese copywriter) with one of my products in a pretty bottle. Ahhhh...No more tears! No more "one bottle in every corner!" Success!

UNLESS you can't install the effing thing, because your ceiling isn't the perfect height.

UNLESS you almost kill yourself when you shoot the "tension loaded" spring across the bathroom at 150 mph, while simultaneously slipping off your perch, (which my groin tells me was the "almost splits").

UNLESS you spend two hours deciphering the directions, which include the following step:

Step 7 (SEVEN..feel free to visualize me going through steps 1-6)

Referring back to Step 1- if you are installing the Pole Caddy on top of a tub, skip Step 3B and Step 8 and go to Step 9 and Step 10

What kind of technical writers do they hire in China?

"Must be able to write English words in no particular order regarding components of product, loosely refer to technical drawing, and confuse consumer by not addressing all the parts, calling components three different names, and writing instructions out of order."

Brilliant.

I want to start a company for these things. I will call it the

LOTS OF TENSION POLE CADDY JUICY NO FUN TIME SHOWER THINGY.

It will be FREE...but every customer will be required to send me a video of them trying to figure out the instructions, comparing the height of their ceiling with the combination of poles included, and/or shooting the spring across the room or in their face.

I will make millions. Videos are hot right now. DUH.

But until then, I'm gonna have to settle for one bottle in every corner, writing a blog to diffuse the rage, and returning that bitch tomorrow.

That that China.

SLEEPING AROUND

I'm tired of sleeping around.

Okay. I haven't been sleeping around...just ALL OVER.

I've been back in LA for a little over a week, and tonight I'm FINALLY in my new place- A home! or at least a homebase for a few months. No more sleeping around!

In the past month since getting off the ship, I've stayed on one pull-out couch, four beds, two regular couches, a sweet plug-in blow-up mattress, a recliner, and one hard-wood floor (next to a cat box-but that was my own fault).

I've slept in three awesome apartments, two beautiful houses, two funky duplexes, one fancy loft (with rats and homeless people fighting for space on the sidewalk outside) and one hollywood hotel (none of your business!)

I've taken people up on countless offers-towels, blankets, pillows, food, coffee, laundry facilities, wireless internet, shampoo and alcohol, and even the use of someone's car (for a whole week!)

And right now, I'm sitting in my new place, on a borrowed bed (until mine can be delivered), with no posessions aside from the two suitcases I brought off the ship, and I'm thankful.

I'm thankful that I have such amazing friends and family who are there when I need them, ready to lend a hand (or a couch or a car).

To all the selfless, beautiful people in my life who have done so much for me in the past few weeks (and years)- THANK YOU. You know who you are, you know that I love you, and I'm thankful that you are in my life.

And to ALL of you....I peed in your shower. :)

I FILED FOR DIVORCE TODAY

After five years of laziness.....I did it.

It will be final in 90 days...which means I'll get screwed on my taxes again this year. DAMN YOU PROCRASTINATION!

But the good news is that I paid for it with a credit card...so I can refuse the charge! This divorce is not what I expected...so I shouldn't have to pay for it, right?

I took a picture of us signing the papers....is that wrong? It was sad, but also kind of cute.

WHO WANTS TO MAKE OUT WITH THE DIVORCEE??? Come on guys....hands UP.

RECIPE FOR A GOOD BOYFRIEND!

1/2 lb. Lives with his Mother (he likes women!)

1T. Unemployment (lots of free time to hang out together!)

1 c. Aversion to responsibility (free spirit!)

1/4 tsp. Mystery (aka excuses that sounds like lies!)

Dash of Someone else's panties under his bed ("those are my mom's!")

Heaping scoop of regret in his eyes when his ex is around.

Mix ingredients together in a kleenex, pour into an oven-safe bowl, add alcohol to taste. Heat until painful. Let sit six months and enjoy! Alt: If you can't find the panties under his bed, (or if he has a job), you can substitute 2 cups of myspace stalking.

Bone apathetic!

COMEDY CONCUSSION

Even though I didn't advance in the Boston Comedy Festival, I had a great set. Boston has been good to me. The comics here are great, and it reminded me why I love doing comedy. It's all about the people.

And JUST IN CASE I was feeling cocky about rolling into town, getting laughs and making friends, the universe decided to deal me a blow.

At the train station, I walked RIGHT into a huge cement column.

YEAH. THAT WAS ME. The girl walking alongside the train while it was coming to a stop...trying to find the perfect "rape-free" car to sit in....not paying attention to the GIANT CEMENT COLUMN holding up the tunnel, coming so quickly towards the side of her head. (the right side, home of all my creativity and my affinity for exercise).

Where is Bob Saget when you need him to turn your pain into cash? It would been SO awesome with a "spunky" song underneath!

Thank God my head was turned toward the train, or else I would have broken my Asymmetrically-nostriled nose. (I don't even care if I spelled that wrong; that was a colorful combo of words, and I DID use the semi-colon correctly, so eat it).

I heard the noise, stumbled back about two feet, wondered if that creepy guy on the train saw me, and THEN I felt like I was gonna throw up. And even after the crying on the train, the "mushroom-like" drive home and a good night's rest, I still have a headache. And do NOT ask me to "Look over there!" real quick-like, because I will throw up on you.

I'll be honest- If I had seen someone do this....I would have laughed my ass off and saved the story for later. But no one was around. And the one guy on the train car didn't laugh. He was too busy trying to rape me.

Hey Life! Thanks for the comedy, and the concussion.

THREE DAYS OF HELL

No one has walked up to me to say, "I loved your show" while I'm eating, asked to take my picture, or wanted me to sign a program in THREE DAYS. Come on....can't we keep that going?

No one has leered at me in a smoky crew bar as if to say "you'd make a good babyoven" in THREE DAYS. That always made me feel so pretty...and it almost made me want a baby!

Life is different now, people.

I had to wake up early yesterday. (before 9!)

I was rudely woken up by SUNLIGHT.

I slept in a room with WINDOWS.

I petted a dog.

I now say "petted."

I've had to watch a 60-inch TV with Surround sound, and almost 800 channels.

I walked around the city at night, and had to ride the subway by myself.

I don't hear any announcements over a PA system about "Boat Drills" or acrobats, and I haven't had the opportunity to decide which one is more urgent.

I had to DRIVE A CAR.

I had to go an entire day without eating ice cream. I know.

I had to eat at QDOBA. OOOH I forgot how disgusting that stuff is...as disgusting as ice cream!

I had to do my OWN laundry, and the directions on the machines were in English. gross.

I COOKED some stuff...in a real kitchen. And I had to wash my own dishes. I might as well be Appalachian.

I haven't bought a souvenier in three days.

Three days of hell....hopefully I'll come out of it.

I watched The Secret; Let's look at the bright side:

I don't have a place to live.

I don't have a job.

I have to pay for food. And Gas. And Travel. (Really....even Travel??)

It's not so bad....

WELCOME BACK TIGER!!!!!!!!!!

Serendipitous Saturday

Overnight in NY- my last one for a while.

So first, I get off the ship, go to my friend Michelle's apartment in NYC (HOT DOORMAN- SCORE) and spend a few blissful solitary hours in a well-lit, good feng-shui place talking on the phone and catching up on email (free wireless signal- SCORE).

I walk to Best Buy and buy the biggest laptop backpack available (pricy, but it will make traveling a WHOLE lot more fun).

I cannot hail a cab to save my life (dinner time, showtime-they were all full), but then I end up walking the entire way to the club to do stand-up. Before I know it I have walked FORTY-SIX blocks and up and down about 7 avenues. It took me an hour and a half- so that's about 3.5 miles. (exercise for the day- SCORE).

I met some great people, very nice comics and bookers and a lot of my friends came to see the first show. And I got a tape immediately. (footage of me performing in NY-SCORE).

THEN I went to the next show- and two of my friends decided to go with me...where there were three more friends waiting, including a guy from high school that I haven't seen in about 8 years. It was awesome. (Old friends who warm my heart-SCORE).

And the SHOW.....it was so much fun. I'm pretty lucky. I was part of the last Shark show at Mo Pitkin's. The hosts were awesome. And get this- there were only three comics performing and one of them is ALSO STAYING at my friend Michelle's apartment! We didn't know we were both doing the same show. And she lives in ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Boston, where I'm going this week. WIERD SERENDIPITY.

I went to a third show....just in time to catch my friend Marco Timpano ripping the shit out of THREE BLIND HECKLERS in the front row. A group of hecklers, and they are all blind?....(Comedy Gold Mine- CHECK)

After hanging out with some of those comics after the show, I walked to UCB to see a show at midnight. I got lost, but then got found. It was a sketch show with two hip-hop guys, and they had some special guests (Horatio Sans playing a racist, republican Jim Morrison? Yes. It happened, and it was effing funny).

My last Saturday in New York, also one of the best.

New York Comedy is my new boyfriend.

LIFE IS A BADASS

Hey life, thanks for being such a badass.

Only five more days of ship life! Four months has flown by, and yet I feel so different. Maybe it's because I discovered compression bags, or because I have a new appreciation for pirates. Maybe it's because I don't carry a purse anymore, and I've spent more time in a swimsuit in the past four months than I have in 10 years. Maybe it's because I have learned a ton of new improv games, learned some new skills for teaching kids, and gotten over my fear of intros. Or maybe it's because I had a crush on a 20-year old and it made me feel old and gross and young and hot at the same time. Maybe it's because I saw a whale back and a bunch of dolphins. Maybe it's because my moles LOVED the sun and decided to grow.....WHO KNOWS!

All I know is that I'm different. And different feels good on me.

Goodbye free rent!

Goodbye free food!

Goodbye to my lovely and talented new friends. I'm gonna miss laughing at those dbags.

Goodbye to the best job I've ever had. I'm know how many people want these jobs, and how many insanely talented people have to pass them up because of the time committment. I am thankful that everything worked out, and I know how lucky I am that it did.

Real life is looming...and it's scary. In the next few weeks, I'm gonna be staying in four cities, participating in three festivals (Boston-Denver-LA), and doing the apartment/job hunt. It's exciting and scary, and I can't wait until it's all over so I will have a chance to process the past four months.

So life- thanks for being such a serious badass. And next time I lose this perspective, you are welcome to punch me in the mouth.

DID YOU SEE ME ON CNN?

Well, it wasn't ME me....but it was my ship!

We had a bomb threat yesterday. awwww....isn't that cute?

Apparently the bomb squad was here, there were helicopters and several angry/scared passengers.

And I was sleeping. My dear sweet sleep...

But I didn't miss ALL the action. Today, I got a rather invasive "pat down" as I was getting off the ship. The summer of celibacy is over! Can I get an AMEN!?

Three Weeks Left

Lots of things-

Today, we signed off the ship for an OVERNIGHT stay in NYC. It was bliss.

I am staying at my friend Michelle's sweet pad - She rocks.

I got to do a decent stand-up show. And my ship mates came to see it (and brought friends). I am lucky.

I got to see a fantastic broadway show that I wasn't sure I'd like at first. I love it when I'm wrong. (The 25th Putnam County Spelling Bee).

I had a lot of free internet time today. weeeee!

I saw Superbad (which is Super BAD) for the second time (accidentally), and I laughed at how superstupid that makes me. Hey pubescent boy films- here's 20 bucks, and six hours of my life. Just hand me the gun next time.

There are only THREE WEEKS LEFT on the ship. Holy crap. Lots of things to do (more about that later).

And finally, my mom is coming on the ship tomorrow!! It will be great to see her, and see the coast with her, and enjoy her enjoying a vacation for the fist time in years.

That is all. It's back to the ship in a few hours....

Picture update

I'm too lazy to try to post the pics IN the blog. But go to my photo albums- and you'll see what I'm talking about. And then buy yourself an ice cream, because I love you.

The New Run

The summer of skin is over. Thank God.

We've moved into the Fall of Funny Signs. I still can't figure out how to post pictures on my blog. I'm retarded.

BUT I have taken some pretty hilarious pictures in the past week...and you're just gonna have to trust me. Signs like "DA TANG Language School", a bus to "SACKVILLE", "Blower Street" -it just keeps going and going people.

We're on a new itenerary- from NYC, we go to Halifax (Nova Scotia), Bar Harbor Maine, Boston, and Martha's Vineyard.

As if I didn't have enough stuffed lobsters or maple syrup in my life.

The demographic on this cruise is VASTLY different then the rest of the summer, as you can imagine. Everyone gets up at 6:30am, and goes to bed by 9pm. And there are no kids. NO KIDS. It's like Christmas.

I got a Double Double and a Maple dip from Tim Horton's in Halifax. I feel like I've discovered a new world. If I had waited a few days, I could have tried a cruler from a place called "Back Door Donuts" in Martha's Vineyard. What? I know. Brilliant.

I'll figure out the pictures. I promise.

Now I'm off to get some more needles shoved into my back door donut.

I (SEA) SPY UPDATE

You might remember me talking about the envigorating "I work on a ship and life can be boring" game of I (SEA) SPY that we made up to pass the time.

It's the game where you get points for spotting sea life while on the ship. I am still winning, because of the pod of dolphins a couple months ago. suckas.

Our route changed this week- we sailed NORTH of NYC this time, toward Nova Scotia (first port- more about that later).

So Amanda (one of my castmates) said, "We probably won't see any dolphins because the water is too cold."

And later she said, "I think it's too early in the season to see whales..."

WELL GUESS WHAT SMARTY PANTS? We saw BOTH yesterday. oh hell yeah. The dolphins were teasing us by shaking their "stuff" close to the surface, and then jumping out of the water like it was sea world and they had to sell 1000 plush toys before they could eat. It was AWE.SOME.

I screamed a little. We got a LITTLE video of the dolphins jumping. like 2 seconds. They move fast.

But the best part were the whales, because you couldn't see them.They are elusive and flirty. We just saw a bunch of spit (my term) being sprayed into the air all over. There must have been 20-30 different exclamations of "WHALE SPIT!" coming out of my mouth while pointing and trying to get a picture. I was a train wreck of a tourist. And at the time the captain was doing laps around the deck with his ipod in his ears, and even HE was getting excited and looking at what we saw in the water. And he's all cool and Norwegian and crap.

"WHALE SPIT!" (pointing) "ooh! oooh! Look! Over there!" (trying to get a picture) "Oh crap, my camera turned off again!"

And then it happened...."WHALE BACK! THE WHALE'S BACK IS STICKING OUT OF THE WATER!" It was huge. And we saw it's back. And then it was gone. What a flirt.

I'm declaring myself the winner of I (SEA) SPY. I win, and now everyone calls me the spotter.

Neener neener NEENER.

Hurricane Dean...

Can suck a bag of dicks.

First of all, let's be honest, I'm awake and it's barely 8:30am. PROBLEM.

I've been awake since 4:30 (after going to bed at 1:00am). PROBLEM.

I was rocked awake (not in the good way) because the ocean is spitting this giant city of a ship around like a ragdoll. weeeeeee...a rollercoaster that never stops! RIDE AGAIN! RIDE AGAIN! And it's weird because we're ALL tall enough .

I hate CNN (one of the three channels), because EVERYTHING is very dramatic, and a little dose of "hurricane DEAN watch" before bed coupled with the rocking makes for some very disturbring nightmares.

Looking out the window of the internet "cafe" (where there are no hot foreign men nor five dollar lattes), I see her. She is PISSED, yo. It's like she's saying, "Hey you! Yeah....YOU with the bucket of corona in the yellow plastic logo HELMET! You are what's wrong with the world! There are millions of people living with AIDS, starving, dying in wars and killing each other, and YOU are working on your tan and complaining that you only had the option to eat 17 times today! Well.....take that!"

Lots of vomit (but at least they have strategically placed a bunch of barf bags near the elevators)

Lots of knocking into walls as we try to walk down the hall (but at least most of the hallways are only 4 feet wide).

Lots of falling out of bed, while dreaming that the bed is soon going to be the cold wet sheets of the deep blue.

We're okay. We're headed to Tortola and St. Thomas. It could be worse, but I won't be at ease until Mama Ocean gets over her vengence. Okay I get it! i'm in TIME OUT Mama! And I promise to straighten up ("or no buffet for you!")

All I know is that I'm not going down without a fight (and by "fight," I mean a full helmet/bucket of Corona).

Cruise Update

Hi friends,

I know, I know. It's been too long. Since my last post, the following things have happened.

My friend Cindy picked me up in a boat in Bermuda...I felt like I was in Charlie's Angels. Everyone was jealous. Then we went to have Rum Swizzle drinks. weeeeeee. It was so good to see her and her hubby.

I went to the Atlantis Resort in Nassau, which is beautiful and wierd at the same time. Casino, resort, Guided tours, a HUGE aquarium (with sharks and a 20-foot Mantaray), pools, pools, pools, and all the deck chairs have their own umbrellas (retractable). It's like Vegas threw up in the middle of the ocean.

And It would have been nice to go to one of the pools, but it's $105 bucks for the day. WHAT? You can suck it Atlantis. You may be pretty, but that doesn't mean I like you.

We went to a cool place called Blackbeard's in St. Thomas. They have a pool, a beach, and a swim-up bar. HELLO! When you can drink it in and pee it out at the same sitting-you're pretty much in heaven.

Also, they have Iguanas walking around...one of which was gimpy. LAME leg. From the war I'm guessing.

And the big news is that I got acupuncture. Pretty much opened up google for a place that was open in NYC on a Saturday, and lucked out with a very cool woman who let me make my appt via email, gave me 30 dollars off my first visit, laughed at my jokes and took a picture of my butt with all the needles in (for myspace, of course). It was like I hit the lottery. Of course, it's probably gonna take a few more sessions before I can walk without shooting pain going down to my calf, but we're moving in the right direction.

In TV news, the two new crew channels have opened up an antirely new world to me. Sex and the City. I had never seen an episode until I got on the ship. Hilarious. Now they're playing Friends, which is always fun.

Anyway, I also got into the Boston Comedy Festival, which is coming up in October (two days after I get off the ship!), so I'm gearing up for that. We're gonna do some secret crew shows for our friends in the next few weeks, so we'll combine some stand-up, sketch, long-form, and music. I'm really excited.

I'll try to come up with some better stories next time.

-Miracle

PS. Oh. I'm still winning with the pod of dolphins. Because the aquarium didn't count.

TV UPDATE

A little fairy came through today and gave us the special crew channels in our room. Season one of grey's anatomy, and another movie channel. Awesome. Too bad the Grey's Anatomy is on a loop- so after watching the same episode one and a half times before realizing why it seemed familiar, I turned back to Law & Order. It's like an old ratty germ -soaked, disappointment-stained blankie.

There when you need it.

WHAT I BOUGHT AT WAL-MART

Damage at Wal-Mart: $92.81

Items bought: around 30.

Favorite finds:

1.magnets (our walls are magnetic- brilliant). PS. Magnets are the hardest thing to find in Wal-Mart. Hint: don't ask anyone.

2. Ice bag (on account of the pain)

3. Snacks, snacks, snacks. I'm gonna be REAL busy for the next few days.

4. Oatmeal (I keep waking up too late for the breakfast buffet-poor me- so this way, it's breakfast whenever I say it is, dammit.

5. A HEAVY-duty sports bra- labelled "for HIGH IMPACT" that keeps the girls in the cage real goodlike. (Although...technically it makes the girls into just one girl. But the UNI-BOOB ain't goin no wheres.

6. A mustard bottle (like you'd find at hot dog stand) that allows me to transport a manageable unit of laundry detergent to the horrifying laundry room (a mile away). I know. I'm a genius.

7. Febreeze. Lysol wipes. cough drops. Analgesic. L-lysine. Because I'm not getting sick on this freakin' germ can.

8. Poster board & GOOGLE-Y eyes (to compliment the glitter that I borrowed). Oh hell yes I did.

9. Glue sticks. (How do you think I'm gonna attach the glitter and the google-y eyes to the poster board? duh.)

10. Colon Cleanse pills. (Thank you all for your concern. I'll let you know how it turns out).

Wal-Mart: Hate you. Love you. Need you in my life. But only until I can find a Target. Then I'm kicking your right wing ass to the curb.

WHAT IS IT??

I'm not sure what it is exactly....

The strong ocean currents?

Is the water bad?

Is it the food? Too much oil?

Is it all the suntan lotion?

Too much sun exposure?

Too many frozen drinks?

Too much relaxation?

Too much Law & Order?

Too many beers at the crew bar?

Hanging out the the same people all the time?

The new shampoo? (it's from Bath and Body- Cocunut, lime and verbena. it smells amazing!)

My new exercize regime??

Because I'm getting a LOT of sleep?

Because I feel guilty for being so lazy?

Because I haven't won at scrabble yet?

Because I'm too lazy to make new friends?

Because my butt is getting smaller??



I don't know what it is about being on this ship, but I haven't had a normal poop in six weeks.



TOO MUCH!?!? TOO SOON?!?!

I thought we were close....

THE TV SITUATION

There are televisions in all the staterooms. Fancy huh?

The channels are DURGE.

One is a ship channel....(where to eat on the ship, what shore excursions to do, where to shop in the Ports, etc.-"WHERE oh where will I buy my new diamond necklace Horace?"). I'm sure the viewership on that channel is WAY down this week. Regardless......BORING.

One channel is 24 hour loop of the ship safety video. If this thing is going down, I'll flip on the TV to see how to put my life vest on. BORING.

One is a channel with bad CG- "Report from the bridge"- Weather, wind direction, kms travelled, etc. BORING.

One is the Cartoon Network. I have to be in a special mood for that one.

Two movie channels- showing the same movies for the past month. I thought they would switch it up for July, but I think it's the same.

These are the movies I've partially watched:

Night At The Museum

Dream Girls

Because I Said So

The Pursuit of Happyness

The Holiday



SO, the saving grace of the TV dial is TNT. They play Law & Order all the time. ALLLLLLLLLL THE TIME. I watched a handful of episodes over the years, but since getting on this ship, I have been watching Law & Order like it's my job. Who needs lawschool? Who needs detective training, 10 years on the force, and a partner who could be a model? Give me a dead body and New York City and I will find the killer and send him to prison within an hour.

"He won't need that apron where he's going."

In one of our cast cabins, they have the "crew channel" which apparently is awesome. But I don't get that in my room. So it's Law & Order or DVDs. (The girl who had my cabin last left us a DVD player....thank the LORD. I've watched a bunch of SNL Season one, and 40 Year Old Virgin. I'm gonna break one of my movie rules and watch Pirates of the Carribean in the next few days.

And because I don't know who I am anymore, I might as well watch Pirates while wearing my Crocs too.

Thank God I will get my Laptop back this weekend, because I NEED HELP!

A QUICK UPDATE

I only have a few minutes. I just did the treadmill, and I have to take a shower and wash the funk off before dinner. We are going to the ITALIAN restaurant tonight ( you have to make reservations- it feels like a special treat).

SO if you're wondering...boy wonder turned out to be all talk. DRUNK and retarded. He's gone soon. Oh well. It was fun for a minute!

And there's another guy who has been making eyes at me anyway....it's just a matter of time before I learn russian. :)

Also, we went to our first engine party this week. It was just like college but more fun, even though we still don't know that many crew members. We're getting there. Slowly but surely....

We played games with a few new people this week. That was fun. Scattergories- the friend maker.

The highlight of the last week was getting my tarot cards read by one of the dancers who has become our friend. He is awesome. We all ordered room service and crammed into one of our rooms with a couple bottles of five dollar wine (CHEAP AT THE CREW STORE). Super fun. I know that I have a horrible short term memory-so I recorded my reading on my little digital recorder. yay.

ALSO- The laptop is fixed!!!! I sent it to my amazing nephew-in-law in Boston, and he fixed it in a matter of hours. Awesome. I can't wait till we start going to Boston every week (september), so I can take them out to lunch. weeee.

I spent New York day in Chinatown (I bought some cheap imports and some japanese candy which makes me laugh). We ate some amazing vietnamese food (I took pictures), and then we went to the Chinatown ice cream factory- OHMYGOD> If you've never had cherry pistachio ice cream, do it. And then tell it to call me.

The best part was that I got to hang out with two old friends- Eliza and Susan!!! It was so great to see them- Seeinf people you love but don't get to see enough is such a great way to recharge on that new york day.

This week, we go to Port Canaveral Florida as the first stop (our nickname for this 6-day cruise is the "Nascar Run," but don't tell anyone I said that). But the best part about Port Canaveral is that there is a bus that takes you to the two best places on earth (when you work on a cruise ship):

1. WAL-MART

2. a real MALL (with a food court and a Movie theater, along with normal stores and a Cold Stone)

3. a beach, but it sucks, so we don't count that one.

And this bus is only $5.00 for crew. uhm...hell yeah NASCAR!

So we get very excited about this Nascar Port Canaveral Day. As you can imagine, the prospect of being able to see a movie, eat popcorn and buy tampons in the same day makes us giddy. Or maybe that's just me.

I heart you all.

-Miracle

BAD NEWS

The hottest guy on the ship, the one I've been referring to as my boyfriend for three weeks (just to my friends of course) is leaving at the end of this cruise.

On the crew, there are 5 girls for every guy, so to find one that is hot and funny is rare. I found him the first week, and it's been keeping me from going insane ever since.

I just ran into him. OH MY GOD HE IS HOT. I think he's a man-whore, but who cares. It was fun to dream. He's doing a show tonight, involving semi-drag. (WHAT? I know.) "but I'm not gay." Okay...good to know!

It's my last one. I'm leaving for another ship at the end of the week"

"WHAT? Oooooh bummer (name). We were just getting to know each other!"

"I know. It's sad. But at least we have four more days, right?"

"What?"

"Nothing (killer smile that says I want you Michelle)."

AND there's another crew party tonight. involving swimsuits and beer. God help me (and him).

The next four days could be very interesting!

AN OLD MAN AND THE SEA

So on the sail away last week, there was an adorable old man sitting at the window watching the New York Harbor gliding past us. He was on the crusie with some of his kids celebrating his 87th birthday.

He was telling us a bunch of stories about growing up in the depression in Long Island, including how the " 'queers' used to offfer kids fifty cents to take off their pants." I didn't have the heart to tell him that "queers" and child molesters are not the same thing.

But after I left (I had my fill of smiling through his adorable racist comments), he said "tell that girl she's one of the prettiest women I've ever seen, but I don't give her any of the credit. I give it all to her mother."

Awwww....he compliments me AND my mother? Who doesn't love that?

SO later on that week....well let's just say, he got a special birthday present from this pretty woman. I showed up at his stateroom in blackface, wearing a thong, and holding fifty cents in my hand.

I (SEA) SPY

Because there are not a lot of things to do on the ship, sometimes the highlight of the day is a sighting. "I saw a turtle!" NO way. " Hey guys! I saw a shark swimming on the side of the ship today!" holy crap.

So, naturally, a game of "one upmanship of the seas" began. The temporary name for our game is "I (Sea) Spy."

We needed a point system, so we mapped out all the possibile sightings, and drew pictures of each one. We are working on a chart and everyone will have a magnet representing their current standings. Seriously. We are doing this. Don't be jealous, with your real lives and normal daily tasks.

This is what we know so far:

Flying fish are cool.

Turtle beats flying fish.

Shark sighting beats flying fish.

Dolphin beats shark.

Shark frenzy beats dolphin.

Dolphins doing tricks beats shark frenzy.

Mermaid or Naptune will kick everyone's ass, but since those are ficitonal creatures until proven real, I think I am winning:

Today I saw a pod (?) of dolphins- about 30 of them- swimming about 50 yards from the ship....they were not jumping out of the water, but they were coming up and then going down in groups. Like a nautical marching band. Awesome.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WORKING ON THE CRUISE SHIP

1.There is such a thing as "ship goggles."

2. Things I'm not allowed to do sound like more fun than they actually are. (gambling, bingo, humping passengers)

3. Just because it's a STARBUCKS doesn't mean it's cockroach free. (I wondered why the Banana-chip Frappucino was chunky).

4. One dollar beers don't make the crew bar fun. (so far the crew bar is only fun if you're Filipino, a smoker or a slutty dancer.

5. When the hot personal trainer tells you you're too fat to run, it feels like love.

6. When a stranger sneezes on me, my auto response is 'UGGGGHHHHHHH!" Loud enough to make both of us feel bad.

7. When you're getting questions from the audience, and some drunk bitch yells, "I have a question; when does the comedy show start?" Try not to choke yer

Cruise Blog #2

oooh.. I only have a few minutes before my internet card runs out.

Found the gym. I've been doing the treadmill every day. And the hot trainer (Australian, Bald. Hot.) gave me some tips. I am a bad asssssss. I have muscles in my legs I didn't know were there.

I bought Crocs. I'm sorry. I feel I've let you all down....but it's a necessity when you don't like showing your feet in public and your living room is the beach.

Hot crew men. Fun Crew parties. But mostly we're just hanging out as a cast. We have developed a game....but I will write more about that later (it will get its own blog). ALSO to come: the blog about the CREW LAUNDRY. GOOD GOD. wait for it.

I haven't been drinking that much, and the food intake has mellowed out a LOT. Thank god for salad and turkey sandwhiches.

Laptop still broken. Still working on it. Still whining about it.

I miss my friends. All of you.

I've started doing the morning pages again. Unblocking the creativity and writing some fun crap. I'll share soon. I promise.

Hearts and Farts and sand fleas. (YES. FOR REAL).

CRUISE BLOG #1

Uhm. So many things. So little time. I'm on a ship. We did some shows for 800 people at a time. We rocked. I'm having a blast. It is HOT. I am sweaty. I haven't found the gym yet, but I have found the 24 hour irish pub that serves the best burgers at 3am. It's the first week. I'm giving myself a break. There was a crew party last night. Met some awesome people (free beer!). There will be a "CREW SHOW" coming up, and I'm hoping to do some stand-up (the crew likes it dirty! yay!!!). Today, I spent about three hours bobbing in the ocean on the amazing island called Tortola.

My lap top broke...at a VERY interesting moment.

My TV doesn't work.

I can't charge my iPod (computer broken).

All of the possible distractions are broken or not available. Spending a lot of quality time with my head (it's like a party in there).

There is an internet cafe on the ship, which is awesome and a little pricey. But being able to do some actual writing and/or serious emaling (or posting pictures) is on hold for the moment. I'm gonna see if I can get the laptop fixed in NYC on port day. Even if I have to show some skin.

People on ships like to play ping pong and bingo like it's their job.

I promise I will have some good stories soon.

THE WHIRLWIND THAT IS MY LIFE

Things have been a little nutso over the last 7 days.

I moved out of my apartment, I quit my job, I spent time (and got drunk) with people who matter to me in LA and went to Denver for four days, where I did the following:

I did two shows, I was in a wedding. (plus a rehearsal dinner where I ate my weight in Indian food), saw some funny boys, hung out with a lot of old friends, randomly ran into friends from Boston who were here, saw (and shared a moment with) Jonathan Pitts, who was in town for a very sad reason, spent time with a few of my nieces, saw one of my nieces off to the air force, got a haircut, went to therapy, saw the hot chiropractor (and his wife), went to a weight watchers meeting, OH, AND I did a 10K!

I got my ass out of bed. And did it. Damn you, blog guilt. I set out to walk it, but whenever some dumb kids or group of annoying ladies were pissing me off, I ran to get away from them. I ended up running a lot more than I thought I would. It hurt, but overall it was fun. The best part is all the food they give you when you finish. And I scored 4 Ben Gay Patches! (Don't be jealous).

There were a lot of people I didn't get to see this time...and it makes me sad. I wish I could have fit everything in.

BUT, it was a good way to go out. Now I'm in Chicago- rehearsals for the cruise ship gig start tomorrow morning. And for the next few days I'll be packing in as many of my Chicago friends and shows as I can....and then I'll be on the cruise ship where I will probably have TOOOOOOOOO MUCH TIME.

It's going to be a huge adjustment. I have designed several projects for myself to keep myself creative and busy, but cross your fingers. You know what they say about idle hands....They grab another plate and go back to the buffet.

WHAT WAS I THINKING??

What the FAAAACK was I thinking?

A 10K the morning after a wedding?????

A MARATHON party. and then a QUARter Marathon??? I am a retard.

But I paid 50 bucks to register for the Bolder Boulder. And dammit. I'm. gonna. do. it. But not because I want to.

Because in 4 hours, when I have to wake up, and I think, " NO EFFFFING WAY am I going to put vaseline on all my chafing zones, drive to the park-n-ride, and go walk/jog SIX POINT TWO miles with 40,000 other people," I'll remember this blog, feel guilty, and get my hot bridesmaid ass out of bed.

Shit.

SUCK MY BLOG

I try to find something funny in situations that are otherwise horrible. There's a lot of funny shit in horrible. Sometimes it just takes longer to see.

So if I'm talking about you onstage- or if you find yourself in one of my blogs, it just means you made me funnier! What a kickass gift! You are so sweet.

Your ever-so-humble and gracious

Michelle

SO AND SO

This is a little evil, but SO liberating.

1. It was nice to see So and So last night. Super yum.

2. So and So told me he knows someone that so and so used to date and that he did the same thing to her!

3. So and So is totally into me.

4. So and So hooked up with So and So!

5. So and So can suck a bag of dicks. And then his own.

6. So and So keeps calling.

7. So and So doesn't call.

7. So and So was so trashed last night!

8. So and So got a pregnancy test for her birthday.

9. I hope I get to see So and So before I leave.

10. I hope I don't run into So and So before I leave.

11. So and So used the word "BLISSFUL" about So and So...and that is exciting.

12. So and So should not give up their day job.

13. I didn't know So and So at ALL.

14. So and So is really funny. And that is hot.

15. So and So is kind of a bitch.

16. So and So treated me like a stranger.

17. Can't wait to see So and So in NYC.

18. I would totally make out with So and So.

19. So and So makes me want to be better.

20. I miss So and So.

NOTES I'VE WRITTEN AT WORK

The following are things I've actually jotted down at work (shorthand intact). I am narrowing in on my last few days at this job, and I never want to forget how special it is.

1.. "Each spot with sex needs it's own DVD"

2. "Sourcelists for hardcore asians."

3. "True forgiveness is when you can say thank you for giving me that experience....when you can give up the hope that the past could have been different." (this was a direct quote from Oprah. I thought it looked nice on a post-it).

4. "Open with Sizzle reel"

5. "last shot of McK Pain-whipping bent over-girl not wearing anything. Shot needs replaced."

6. "Leather Skin Peek- add Monique 'JUMP'"

7. "If you get a job in porn, follow these rules:"

1. Pretend it is normal

2. Don't tell anyone

3. Look for another job.

8. "Dim Sum- RETARDED."

9. "We've torn down the old God of Phonebooks and propped up the new God- GOOGLE."

10. "Develop a plan"

11. "How Much? Not the right size. Limited selection."

12. Between the Sheets- Cut tags.

There might be better ones when I clean out my desk. I'll keep you posted.

I JUST WATCHED 30 EPISODES OF PROM QUEEN

I just watched 30 episodes of PROM QUEEN.


I feel sick. I'm 33. I might as well be a cougar trolling at the college bar.

I'm too old to like Prom Queen. But it sucks you in, in 90-second increments.

DAMN YOU PROM QUEEN. It's kind of brilliant. And there are 40 more episodes that I can't wait to watch.

PS. I know a couple of the guys who created it...said the cougar.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

I've been trying to think of something new to write.And I've been trying to be more positive. But honestly, this week it's more of the same.

1. Moving is fantastic!

2. I understand boys!

3. I am great with math!

(Like I said...trying to be more positive)

...one new thing. I need matress bags- to store my matresses, so they don't gets no bedbugs. I can't find them anywhere. When I moved from Colorado, I found them at Wal-mart, so I thought I could get them at Wal-Mart again. I drove to Panorama City to the only Wal-Mart in a 20 mile radius....and guess what? NO Mattress bags. No dish boxes. Nothing that I needed.

BUT I did get AIDS. (and it was CHEAP!)

4. I HATE WAL-MART. That's something new this week. Hey douchebag with the name tag: don't send me to the paint section if you don't KNOW FOR SURE.

5. It takes a REALLY long time to export video. Longer than it takes to Import. Just like messages into your brain. Easier to input than erase.

6. Wendy's and Wal-mart....two rare things in Southern California. Oddly enough, both in the same shopping center in Panorama City! They should call it PARADISE CITY. Where the grass is green and girls are pretty.

7. A stand-up show with no music and no introduction feels more like a meeting. Who's taking the minutes?

8. My life is a fast-moving train again...and that part is fun. It is exciting to know that in 10 days, I will be poised to deal with new and different stuff. And all this current stuff will eventually fade away.

9. I am a mad manifestor. Shortly after thinking, "I should call so and so and schedule the radio thing soon, so I can promote the LA Comedy Fest show" the guy contacted me and asked me if I could do it today! weird.

10. Small world story- Someone responded to the ad to rent my room. She is from Colorado (check), actually Westminster (check!). She went to my high school (check!), was involved in drama (check!), and does improv (check!) She was cast in a show that I coached a few years ago. It was an 8-week improv workshop where the kids did a show at the end-and I was the referee (basic improv cheese). HOW WEIRD is that?

11. I look pretty hot in the strapless bridesmaid dress....who knew? I still need to do a "will the girls stay in their cage when I'm drunk dancing" test. I'll keep you posted.

I JUST REMEMBERED!

I just remembered that I owe some people some money...

I hosted a weekly show in Denver and during one of the shows, I enlisted the audience to help with a "divorce fun-raiser." I thought having other people's money in the kitty would motivate me to fill out the paperwork.

I owe that audience $7.33. (And a divorce).

WHAT I'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

1. I CAN hike without spitting on my leg.

2. I can find a strapless (bridesmaid's-dress-approved) bra in JUST under 3 hours, with only one small fit of crying.

3. I think I was an angry vampire dog in another life. Because sometimes I fly off the leash and go for the jugular.

4. Blood tastes like Gaines Burgers.

5. When you ask the universe for a sign and the answer feels like a KIDNEY PUNCH, listen! You heard it correctly. The answer was "GET OUT OF THE WAY, dumbass! Move over, and let someone else get punched."

6. Packing is equally liberating and sucky.

7. Customers at Target don't enjoy waiting while you try on 100 items, in increments of six.

8. 100 items in + 1 hour trying stuff on = 4 things that I would not normally wear in public, but I bought because I'm going to be on a boat in some HOT places.

9. If I ever write a memoir, this summer will be known as "THE SUMMER OF SKIN."

10. For reasons you don't need to know, this blog will be referred to as "THE BLOG OF SKIN."

11. I had one bad set in Denver while I was visiting, and one bad set in LA when I got back. One got me promoted, and the other got me some clarity. (Both made me want to vomit for different reasons). Mmmmmmmmmm comedy.

12. I do not know how to put a cruiser bike together. Even with "Google images" and all the parts. (WHERE DO THESE FOUR SCREWS GO? AND WHAT IS THE MYSTERY TOOL THAT ALLOWS YOU TO ATTACH THE FREAKIN HANDLE BARS!?!?)

13. I will never buy a hot bike from a hot guy again.

14. If you don't have a friend from Kentucky who invites you over to be the designated muddler of all things mint julepy, you will probably not even realize there's a horse race on.

15. "I have to pee like a race horse" is a saying that probably originated from the Derby (or mint juleps).

LEAVE IT TO ME

Leave it to me to get into fights with strangers.

BRENDA (if that's your real name) at the DIME, this is for you:

I'm sorry you're such a whore.

I'm sorry you look like you're hitting on customers, when apparently you "work there." Oooh...have you been on a break for three hours while you sit and hit on guys, keeping an eagle eye on what chairs might block the "high traffic" of an empty bar????

I'm sorry you have a tramp stamp, and an incapacity to be logical or accomodating to paying customers who don't want to stick their dicks in your mouth. I don't have a dick, Brenda. No WONDER you were confused.

I DO feel that way, I won't come back, and you can NOT have my children. or my boobs. No matter how much you beg.

Whore.

Enjoy your evening. I hope you get pregnant with a future frat boy who rapes someone like you.

PLAN A. WINS!

Everything always works out. I still over-analyze EVERYTHING, but I know in the end, things will work out the way they are supposed to...for the greater good.

Right now, my greater good involves working on a cruise ship for four months, making people laugh, making money, traveling, creating and having time to focus on myself (inside and out).

It does not involve being an understudy in a (socially important, highly visible) play. I had a great audition. I was proud of myself, and I'm glad I enjoyed the moment. But it wasn't in the plan right now. I hope to do that role someday, but not this time.

Right now, the journey involves other stuff....LIKE PACKING, buying shorts, and finding a bra that will hold my boobs up in that bridesmaid dress. ugggghhhhh. That will take a month by itself.

WRINKLE?

WRINKLE?


uhm.....the morning started pretty normal. But then it got REALLY weird.

A phone call. A HUGE opportunity. A possible wrinkle in the plan? Or a new plan that trumps old plan?

Breathe...relax....trust.....THEN SHIT PANTS.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

1. I let someone touch my feet. And I did not die. I cried a little, but I did not die. Those of you who know me....that is a HUGE deal. Those of you who don't....nevermind.

2. My contacts are scratching my cornea because I have been using the wrong multipurpose solution. I did not know that. That would have been a good thing to know when I had health insurance.

3. I am sentimental, even for things/people that only briefly crossed my path. This is a blessing and a curse.

4. I can "hike" up Fryman without stopping IF I am alone...with no one witnessing how hard I'm wheezing.

5. When I'm wheezing and I feel the urgent need to expell saliva, I CAN spit, but I cannot spit AND clear my body. Because I'm a GIRL!!! yay! I spit on my leg!

6. It is fun to send questionable pictures to people using a cell phone (captured from a certain cable channel that I may or may not work for). Explain THAT to your girlfriend!

7. My intuition about people is 98% accurate. However, if I have a gut feeling that someone/something is not going to work out, I hope to be proven wrong 100% of the time. (I AM DISAPPOINTED 98% OF THE TIME).

8. I'm not good with math....

9. I know things are happening exactly as they are meant to, and my journey is my own. The teacher will appear when the student is ready (or something like that).

10. I don't like eating meat on the bone. (I already knew this, but I forgot. And then I remembered). Can't you just picture it in MOTION!??!??! And I think about the Bodyworlds exhibit....people steaks. blaaaahhhhhggggghhhhhh.

11. I'm glad I never sold my purple carpet or my television or my ice trays. But I wish I hadn't given away my crock pot.

12. If you have a weird pain to the right of your belly button, and you don't have health insurance, IGNORE IT. It's probably just someone thinking about you...A LOT. And real hard-like. Just like when you're ears are burning. Only it means your appendix (or gall bladder?) is talking about you. "HEY douchebag!Down here! Yeah....I hate you. Just wanted to let you know!"

13. Believe it or not, I'm good with kids, and I realized there are no kids in my life here....they are all far away. boooo.

14. I like "fiber cakes."

ALCOHOL

ALCOHOL can be dangerous.

I remember reading a book on the Zodiac when I was younger, and there was something about Pisces being prone to addiction....a life of excess and escape. So that has always been in the back of my mind; I pay attention to how much I drink, and I know when to stop. I never used drugs excessively. If I heard that something was too good or too fun, I didn't even let myself try it. Why dance with the devil? I hate dancing.

But the life of excess and escape did not escape me. It came in the form of cheese, and dessert, and anything else that you can put on a plate or chew. (I almost said swallow, but some of the people who read this blog are not to be trusted with a dangling dirty joke).

I'm a social eater. Do you want to see me? let's eat. Do you want to talk or work something out? Let's hash it out over breakfast at 2am, or coffee and dessert (decaf with splenda? It makes me look like I care). Celebration? That warrants fancy food AND dessert, coupled with a dress, (if I can find one that fits).

When I am sad or weak, I don't drink til I black out, I don't sleep around, I don't gamble- I do it all with food. I screw myself. Because I'm HOT.

I was never bulemic, because I hate throwing up, but also because the empty stomach is not a payoff. I'd rather have the sharp pain in my left shoulder that comes from overeating. It tells me I am alive, for now.

What I'm saying is that DENIAL IS TASTY.

I have lost 50 pounds. But it has taken me over a year.

If food were alcohol, I'd be dead, or in jail.

I fall off the wagon every day...that's not an option with other addictions.

I went for a walk yesterday for an hour, even though my back is messed up. I even ran some of it. Baby steps...

THEN WHAT DID I DO? I ate. and ate. and ate. Trying to fill the hole.

The bridesmaid dress should motivate me. The 4 months on a cruise ship sweating my ass off should motivate me. I should be motivated. But all I want to do is eat and then tell people that my shoulder hurts. It's fascinating!

Things are going well- with the exception of a mini-chapter closing recently, which was rather sad- but overall...good. I shouldn't be in this place. I am an otherwise strong, independant, motivated person who is currently overwhelmed and weak.

Food is my BFF. We can never break up, because you have to eat something every day. I have the half of the necklace that says "BE FRI," because I am the dominant (aka more popular) friend. Onion rings get the "ST ENDS," and likes it.

I thought this was going to be a funny blog, but it turned out to be sad. Like a kid who dropped her ice cream cone. Stupid kid. Treat the ice cream with RESPECT!

I am trying, but it f***ing sucks....every day. Excuse my French fries.

P.S. For my funeral...in lieu of flowers, send cake. I want to be buried surrounded by a lot of colorful- NO! Better yet, bury me IN cake....just a bunch of crumbs that form a kind of "fill dirt." Amazing Grace, how sweet the cake. Now THAT would be funny. The best-smelling funeral EVER!! And if someone frosts my grave with a tub of Betty Crocker Cream Cheese frosting, I will laugh my dead ass off for eternity.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

1. When you find a cheap hotel just in a beach town, you should find out if a bunch of cult members killed themselves there BEFORE you make the reservation. (The free Nikes were a nice touch, though...)

2. If a guy offers to buy you a drink and then switches his wedding ring to the other hand, RUN. And for God's sake, DO NOT go to the Karaoke bar he recommends...unless you like watching white trash procreate on the dance floor.

3. I hate most children, but love most dogs. Dogs don't scream incessantly, steal the last waffle, and then leave the table sticky. And if they do, you can bring them back to the pound.

4. It is more fun to perform for people in 12-step programs than people in a bar. The coffee and cookies crowd LISTENS.

5. Timing is important.

6. Michelle Buteau is afraid of surfers.

7. When a group of guys take a trip to Thailand....it's probably not for "relaxation purposes."

8. If a guy comes up to you at a bar, says something quasi-complementary and pinches your neck fat for no reason, MARRY HIM. Do not freak out and/or make fun of him for three hours by going around pinching the neck fat of your friends...MARRY HIM. HE IS THE ONE!

9. I am "hot." When did that happen?

10. I am a much nicer/happier person when I live by myself.

11. When you put off important things, like divorce....the Universe sends you a little reminder, like a kidney punch in the form of "TAXES OWED." THANKS Universe....I'm spitting up blood, and it tastes like regret.

SEVEN-MONTH SELL-OUT

It only took seven months for me to sell out!

There is a video of my boobs on the internet (and on my page). Does that mean I have made it, or that I'm an uber whore?

I am gonna be working on a cruise ship soon. I hope there are tinsel-y curtains to go with those checks!!

I killed a bunch of ants yesterday...because bugs are icky.

(The smell of RAID Ant & Roach Killer gives me a massive headache. And yet, it is better than waking up with an ant crawling on my pillow).

I re-wrote some of my jokes...to be funnier. (Still can't figure out how to make then cleaner...)

I went to a "beach house" this weekend.

I am more "groomy."

I valet-ed my car when I didn't really need to.

I ate a half a bag of jellybeans today. But they were the fancy ones...

I cleaned my room. (WHAT??!?)

I took a walk around a park, because it was "fun" and "beautiful" outside.

I went to IN-N-OUT yesterday...and ordered a burger "animal style."

I kissed someone on the cheek yesterday.

Add em up.

S+E+L+L+L+I+N+G+O+U+T= a good time.

Gotta run. Botox injection bright and early...for my dog!



PS. I just checked- my road rage is as healthy as ever, and I still hate baby showers...THANK GOD! That was a close one!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH HOW I TRUST.

OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH HOW I HOPE.

OOOOOHHHHH HOW I LAUGH.

Oh How I Learn.

oh.

i.

THREE RULES OF BEING MY FRIEND

Do you want to be my friend? My REAL friend?

All you have to do is follow these three simple rules:

1. DO NOT sleep with the man that I am in love with/sleeping with or was emotionally destroyed by. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, and it should be a given, but I'm spelling it out for the dumb whores of the world.

2. NEVER under any circumstances wear a CHRISTMAS SWEATER...or any other holiday themed clothing for that matter, even if you are a kindergarten teacher! I do not care. This will be the end of our friendship. No questions asked. ZERO TOLERANCE.

3. TELL ME IF I HAVE A BOOGER. Seems simple, right? But you would be surprised how many people will let you go the whole day with a giant booger hanging out of your nose. And why should you have to be dependant on a mirror when there are PEOPLE around who could save you? BUT NO. Those people are dicks.

Anyone who would let you go around with a booger hanging out and not tell you is not a friend. And don't be surprised if they hump the guy you are dating.

P.S. Everyone who was around me from 3-6pm today at work can suck a bag of napalm.

P.P.S. Your boyfriend is ugly so don't worry. But you have a booger, and I love you.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

1. Funerals can be funny.

2. Doing a comedy set after a funeral can make you feel like a comedic genius and the worst person in the world at the same time.

3. When a family member asks you to sign an autograph at a funeral (and has you sign on the back of a cardboard pantyhose insert) you have truly made it.

4. Late night closure talks with ex-boyfriends can be very enlightening and liberating. THANK YOU. You are excused.

5. I spend too much time living in the WHAT IF rather than in the NOW. Just enjoy it douchebag!

6. NO matter how much food I buy at the grocery store, I never feel like cooking any of it when I get home.

7. Gayle and Oprah secretly hate each other after that road trip (do you see the way they look at each other now?) You can't spend that much time in a car with a good friend and not hate them by the end. MARK MY WORDS: THEY ARE GONNA BREAK UP.

8. Being around people that make me laugh is essential to my survival. Even if I am laughing at them.

9. My new Motto: PATIENCE: TRY IT NOW!

IF I KNEW YOU WERE COMING...

"If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake."

oh wait. I did bake a cake.

Well...I tried.

It still has 10 minutes, but it doesn't look good. I'm mourning it already.

TOO MUCH BATTER in a springform pan. (the muffin pan was dirty, there wasn't another cake pan, everything happened so fast).

Please send cards (and cake) at your leisure.

-Betty Crocked It

HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A HORRIBLE PERSON

I am a horrible person.

In the middle of the funeral for my beautiful grandmother, I got the giggles.

The guy giving a speech wiped his nose....but he didn't just wipe it. He went in there like a roto rooter. TWICE. After the first time, I was a little stunned, but the second time he stopped his sentence to SNAKE IT OUT, I couldn't control the giggle.

Also, I wanted to remember a few things that happened during the service, so I took out a pen and starting taking notes. That solidified it. I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON.

But Life happens, and death happens...and the moments that happen in the middle of it all can be very funny.

1. During one of the speeches about my grandmother, someone mentioned that she used to work at a department store, but she was very poor, so she didn't have the money to buy the dresses in the girls' department for her two daughters. So she would examine a dress, and then go home and cut the pattern from memory, and make the same dresses for her girls out of flour sacks. My grandma was a selfless, kind, amazing woman, who could also sew.

What kind of story will someone tell at my funeral?

"Michelle was so obsessed with herself that she jotted down notes for possible future jokes at her Grandmother's funeral." How touching.

2. Since I live in a different state now, I have only seen my grandmother a couple times since August (when she was healthy and vibrant and hilarious as always.) I saw her around Christmas, and then a couple weeks ago. Both times she was in the hospital, struggling with a mysterious group of symptoms that the doctors couldn't figure out for five months (HOW ABOUT WE TEST FOR CANCER before it takes over her entire body YOU JACKHOLES!??!?!) Anyway, I was trying to cheer her up and make her laugh when I saw her this last time.

"Okay Grandma....we've got to quit meeting like this. The last two times I've seen you, you've been in the hospital, in these ugly gowns. So next time I see you, you better be wearing a dress."

YEAH. I said that.

Well...she was wearing a dress....a beautiful white dress that she had made herself (I guess it was technically "funeral/temple clothing" because she was Mormon).

I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON.

3. The people of my grandmother's church offered to make a dinner for the family, which was very nice. It gave us a chance to decompress after the long day of crying. And it gave us a chance to discover a beautiful tradition of the Mormon Church:

FUNERAL POTATOES. (there was a picture of these in the hallway of the church, with the following description):

"Made by angels and kissed by God himself, Funeral Potatoes are sent straight from Heaven for every post-funeral meal. Built with Cheese, potatoes, cheese, potatoes, cheese, cheese, cheese, and topped with cornflakes ("angel crunchies"), God sends them to remind of us of the delicate balance of life; we are encouraged to enjoy the artery-blocking power of the ingredients and feel the comfort it provides during our grief, but warned not to forget where we came from and where we will go if we eat too much."

I ATE TOO MUCH. Because I'll probably never get the chance to eat Funeral Potatoes again, and I'm writing this, because although I may seem like a horrible person, it's the only way I know how to say:

I love you Grandma. And I will remember you in your cute dresses, full of life and energy...laughing with us and making us laugh with your offbeat sense of humor. Quietly observing and unconditionally loving all of us, despite our flaws. Choosing to give us your unsolicited opinions rarely, but knowing when we needed to hear them. ALWAYS remembering our birthdays, and making goodie bags for Christmas. I am going to miss the fudge, the can of tasteless Mormon shredded chicken, the amazing funeral potatoes, and most of all your beautiful spirit.

The next time I see you, I'll be wearing a dress too.

Four trips and a funeral.

I get to go to Denver again next week!

For a funeral!

It's my fourth trip back home since I moved to LA!

I wish they had different types of exclamation points for their different meanings.

BUT I will be in town on a Tuesday, which means I get to do the Squire!

That makes me happy.

Good with the bad....

ASSSSPEN = Funny

Last week, I went to the Aspen Comedy festival. It's in Aspen. It's frickin' cold and HARD TO BREATHE in Aspen, thanks to my new "LA Blood." I'm not exactly sure when the transfusion happened, but it did.

Some wierd stuff happened.

Steven Wright slid past me at a party, and before I realized who it was, he was gone. Then at one point, he was talking to my boy (Josh) Blue, and they looked so cute with their beards and funny-ness. But I couldn't grab my camera fast enough to get a picture. However, I did get a picture of the best meal of the week.

BUT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO POST IT HERE. DAMN YOU PHOTOBUCKET.

I saw fewer shows this year, because I spent a lot of late nights at parties, and consequently a lot of time sleeping it off in the morning. The parties were worth the loss of sleep, because I met a lot of cool people with big creative jobs and/or a great sense of humor. Both types are fascinating to talk to.

I saw more fur than I've ever seen at a zoo. Just because it's ASPEN doesn't mean you have to advocate death, you douchebags. But as I walked 1.5 miles to a party in the bitter cold, all I could think was, "Gee, I wish there was something that I could kill right now that would make me warm." I never saw any animals, and I didn't bring my cowboy hat, so I couldn't have pulled the outfit together anyway.

During an awards presentation, William Baldwin made a reference to something that happened at a party that I attended and witnessed. It was strange. I wonder if he knows Kevin Bacon too...?

I celebrated my birthday unceremoniously. And since I live in LA now, I have to say it was my 25th, and laugh coyly. oooohhhhh hahahahahah. I'm so YOUNG and adorable! Who wants to buy me a drink?

I had fun hanging out with my friend Ben Kronberg. He is hilarious. And a giant douche. And when he's famous, I'm gonna tell people that he stole my jokes. It's not true, but it's publicity right?

Overall, a great week in funny-town. And now it's back to reality...

Luckily, reality is pretty fun right now too.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK (III)

What I've learned this week:

1. San Fransisco + falling off the weight loss wagon = good pictures and lot of regret.

2. Seeing good friends only once in the past 8 years is horrible.

3. Playing with the otters on the other side of the glass makes little kids REALLY jealous (hey you little brats- go suck it!!)

4. Cleaning my room is painful. But cleaning it for a date makes the pain worth it. :)

5. Jenna Jameson is very articulate.

6. Hearing the orchestra play your friend's band's song during the OSCARS is VERY EXCITING!!!

7. Stand-up is like an abusive boyfriend. But he's REALLLLLLLY Cute!

8. YouTube allows The Traveling Susans to live on. (thanks Damian!)

9. HISSING at a woman at the Laundromat makes YOU the crazy lady.

10. I think Darrell Hammond does a better Al Gore than Al Gore.

DEAD DAD DAY

HAPPY DEAD DAD DAY EVERYONE!

It's been 10 years. And it still sucks.

You can write a show. You can deal with your anger. You can RE-learn to communicate. But at the end of the day, I'd rather still be fucked up and have a dad.

MY (almost got) LUCKY NIGHT

I could have gone home with a cute drunk guy tonight!!

But it didn't work out.....

He was eating chips from a giant silver bowl while watching the show....cute!

He was heckling....in that loving "I'm agreeing with you" way. sexy!

He obliged when the bar owner asked him to take off his weapons (a knife and a pair of surgical scissors in their own holster on his belt. dangerous...yet respectful!

He was in his late 30s, and he was wearing colors.....dedicated! loyal!

He chimed in at the perfect time during one of my jokes.. "But you're not fat!" oh. my. god. I think he likes me.

Then the test: I told him I would make out with him if he would "shut the eff up." And he laughed. He REALLY likes me!

After my set we had an AWESOME conversatoin:

Him: I think you're really pretty and funny. And I'm sorry I was talking so much. Can I buy you a drink?

Me: No thank you. I'm okay.

Him: Okay, well can I "buy" you a glass of water?

Me: Yes, Thank you. that would be nice.

Him: Okay. I'll be right back.

Me: .....(STILL WAITING!)

When will I learn? You thugs are all talk...

WHAT I'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK (II)

What I've learned this week:

1. Sometimes I share too much with people who don't know me very well. It's one thing to bare a dark secret to strangers onstage and turn it into a joke, but it's worse to drop it into conversation with someone you know *a little*... "ONE TIME, I MADE MY HUSBAND SO MAD HE SPIT ON ME." Aahhhh that's adorable....and you must be CRAZY!

2. I am uncomfortable folding my underwear in front of my roomate.

3. I need new underwear.

4. Positive healing energy directed to someone in need is a powerful thing. If you are reading this, please send some healing vibes to my friend Shelley.

5. Making low-fat cookies allows me to justify eating more of them.

6. I look rediculous doing pilates in my living room. (whoever was spying through the blinds tonight- you're WELCOME for the free boob shot).

8. I need better blinds.

9. Late-night dialing ends in frustration. Unless it's the "it's Michael's birthday, and listen to how drunk we are!" call....then it's hilarious.

8. Clean sheets make me happy.

9. I need a diagram to flip my mattress (every time!)

10. Weeds was worth the wait. (say that three times)

11. I am proud of people who are living their dreams, even if I don't know them. Of course, it's cooler when the people are also nice. (I met some people in Aspen last year who made a film that was nominated for an OSCAR this week....I emailed just to say congrats, and the director emailed me back. Cool).

12. I hate Oprah's hair right now

13. I'm not good with numbers.

LAUNDROMAT OF FUN

PART I.

I have a short attention span. In the time it takes me to write this blog, I will think of 20 other things I need to do (websites to look up, people to email/call back, things to do this week, etc). By the time I finish this blog, I will have forgotten all of them. For this reason, I hate doing laundry at my apartment. It takes a full day of focused effort to get all my laundry done, one load at a time. I set the kitchen timer so I can turn the laundry when it is done, but I still forget about it. I hear the beep and think, "I will go turn the laundry in a minute." An hour or two later, I remember. And sometimes, I don't remember until the next day when I have no underwear. CRAP! And on several occasions I've gone out to the laundry room and found that someone has not only taken my underwear out of the dryer but folded it nicely. EWWWW. Hands off my junk, stranger!

ANYWAY, I've gotten off track (see how I am?). The point is that I discovered that I love going to the laundromat down the street. I live in "the valley," so it's pretty suburban (no meth heads or tap dancers), and relatively safe. When I was younger, the laundromat was a place we went to out of dispair- when our machine at home was broken, or when my parents were fighting and my mom needed a break. It was always a place I associated with sadness. Sad people, sad about their lives, carting around sad children who had to sit with their sad parent and wait for their laundry, sad about NOT being able to stay home and play with other children....you know just SAD.

But now, no sadness. I go because it is more efficient- it is a place of EMPOWERMENT! I go in with a mission. I prepare. I have a game plan. I have all my quarters, my detergent, my dirty laundry in layers for each load, and either a book, my laptop, or my notebook to write in. Each time I go, I make it a personal challenge to get in and out in ONE HOUR. Depending on the time of day, this challenge is not only possible, but it can be FUN. It involves focus, concentration, timing...and most importantly: NOT talking to strangers.

Uhmm....yeah. That's the hard part. People always want to talk to you at the laundromat. I am ON A MISSION. NO TALKIE TALK ON A MISSION, PEOPLE.

HEY cute guy in sweat pants washing your comforter with a "mystery stain"- NO, I don't know how to use the industrial washer! Hey loud foreign woman who has never used a quarter machine- sorry, but I can't help you! Hey hipster/socially awkward guy- I want to tell you can have my machine in two minutes, so you don't have to shove all of your laundry into the only open machine, but I can't! I can't initiate, and I will not respond. Because I am NOT TALKING TO STRANGERS!

I am wearing my sunglasses. I am reading my book. I am pretending to be a mute, quietly observing what's going on around me, while keeping an eagle eye on the giant cage-enclosed clock above the door. Twenty-five minutes till liftoff suckas! THIS IS A RACE PEOPLE. OUTTA MY WAY! I am not here to engage or make friends. I'm here to fold my own underwear and be gone before you figure out which way to put your dollar in.

PART II.

The best part about being a mute laundry ninja is observing the others. I cannot engage in conversation, but I feel it is my DUTY as an actor who finds joy in mocking others to observe. Some of them are normal, but most of them are CRAZY (said the mute girl on a sunglass-clad mission!)

One day, there was the lady who obviously never learned the art of sorting. She had all of her laundry in a massive garbage bag, and a bottle of Shout in her hand. She took each piece out of the bag, COMPMLETELY covered it with a shocking amount of Shout and then fretted about which machine to put it in (she was monopolizing EIGHT different machines at once). And the whole time, she was breathing heavily and mumbling "...there's so much pressure at the laundromat. I feel so pressured! Jeeezz."

But today, it happened. The best character study EVER walked in, and I almost missed it. I was reading yet another self-help book, immersed in the possibility of changing my mocking ways. And out of the corner of my eye, I noticed her. She was wearing pigtails. "Cute" I thought, until she turned around. A LITTLE too old to be rockin pigtails honey (late 50s?). But still...cute. She was wearing jeans, tennis shoes and a t-shirt. She reminded me of Amy Sedaris. She had been there for about 5 minutes, unloading her garbage bag into a machine.

So, I'm reading, and I notice that she's putting on a skirt. OVER her jeans. In an instant I think 3 thoughts at once. "She's trying to see if it still fits," "Maye it's clean enough to skip washing this time," and "That would be awesome if this was a hidden camera show and she takes her clothes off to wash them."

WELL GUESS WHAT PEOPLE? She did it. Door Number 3. She takes her shoes off, wiggles out of her jeans (unerneath the skirt because WOAH ooohh WOAH, she's a LADY), puts the jeans in the machine, and then leaves. I laugh to myself, thinking "I'm psychic, where's the camera. I bet they have a killer reaction shot from me."

Five minutes later (I'm folding like a banshee- 10 minutes til liftoff suckas!), I see she has returned. Why? I thought she was done loading the machine....what could she possibly do to top the "jeans-off under the skirt" move? That's when I notice she is now wearing a red wool coat, and combined with her pigtails, bare legs and sneakers, she's looking even more crazy. It's not that cold in here. She closes the lid on her machine, and wraps the coat VERY TIGHTLY around her torso. She comes over to the dryers toward me (too close really, but I didn't say excuse me because I am mute), and she looks in her dryer wishfully. I glance at her back, and down the red coat to where it is split at the bottom (she was INCHES away from me, don't judge). GUESS WHAT? No skirt peeking out the back of the coat. NO SKIRT! Just legs and underwear. AND NO SHIRT (she was holding the coat really tightly remember?? No SHIRT, NO SKIRT, NO SERVICE lady! WHAT THE HELL?

She must have done the "shirtsy offsy underneath coat" move in her car, or in the alley when she left the first time. She must have been washing everything she owned. Maybe she had a hot date tonight and needed the skirt immediately. Who knows.

All I know is that she beat me. Her mission was even more dangerous, and more successful than mine. Liftoff happened at one hour and FIVE minutes, and I didn't wash EVERYTHING because I kept my clothes on.

You win this round crazy people! But I'll be back. This is not the last you'll hear from the mute laundry ninja. MWWAAAHHHAAAHAA. (can you technically hear anything from a mute laundry ninja?)

Now what was I gonna remember to do??

DENVER IS MY NEW BOYFRIEND

OH Denver. I love you. I hate you. I need you. I need to be away from you. I want to snuggle with you when it's snowing, and I want to push you away when you snore. JUST LIKE A BOYFRIEND. A boyfriend who hits you, but then asks if you've been losing weight, because you flew back a lot farther than normal. "Oh come on sweetheart, it's a compliment!"

Denver is awesome. Don't let the Real World fool you, there are more than three bars (and no one has a ski lift or a stuffed ELK chilling in their loft apartment). I have lived there all my life, and I just discovered 2 new bars and 2 cool neighborhoods that I had never heard of.

But Denver in a BLIZZARD makes you do crazy things. I had fun visiting- too much fun really. I saw a lot of people I wanted to see...and *almost* got out of town without falling into the "BLIZZARD VORTEX." I don't have any regrets....just a few moments that make me laugh, vomit, blush, or all three at the same time.

It was Christmas time. There was comedy. And drunk girls yelling rude things. I don't back down from confrontation. I take it head on....with a microphone in my hand. OOPS! You're right, if we met under different circumstances, we probably would be friends. We could have formed a "rude mean lady gang" that goes around town talking on cell phones and complaining when "the show is SO effing stupid." I think we should have purple jackets and big hair.

It was Tuesday. There was laughing, and then crying. And walking in the snow for some "eggs." I didn't know the store was so close to where I was staying...OOPS! BLIZZARD VORTEX.

It was the 11th hour. There was panic, a cell phone, and WAY TOO MUCH vulnerability. OO.OOO. OOOOOOPS! BLIZZARD VORTEX.

Mile High snow messes with your mind. And Mile High snowy mind messes with your strength. I have one foot in Denver and one foot here. And I hate my feet so much that I lock the door when I shower. If someone is going to break in with the intent to kill me while I shampoo.....he is gonna have to wait till I put my slippers on.

Regrets? Mistakes? No. I just call it life....with socks on.