I FILED FOR DIVORCE TODAY

After five years of laziness.....I did it.

It will be final in 90 days...which means I'll get screwed on my taxes again this year. DAMN YOU PROCRASTINATION!

But the good news is that I paid for it with a credit card...so I can refuse the charge! This divorce is not what I expected...so I shouldn't have to pay for it, right?

I took a picture of us signing the papers....is that wrong? It was sad, but also kind of cute.

WHO WANTS TO MAKE OUT WITH THE DIVORCEE??? Come on guys....hands UP.

RECIPE FOR A GOOD BOYFRIEND!

1/2 lb. Lives with his Mother (he likes women!)

1T. Unemployment (lots of free time to hang out together!)

1 c. Aversion to responsibility (free spirit!)

1/4 tsp. Mystery (aka excuses that sounds like lies!)

Dash of Someone else's panties under his bed ("those are my mom's!")

Heaping scoop of regret in his eyes when his ex is around.

Mix ingredients together in a kleenex, pour into an oven-safe bowl, add alcohol to taste. Heat until painful. Let sit six months and enjoy! Alt: If you can't find the panties under his bed, (or if he has a job), you can substitute 2 cups of myspace stalking.

Bone apathetic!

COMEDY CONCUSSION

Even though I didn't advance in the Boston Comedy Festival, I had a great set. Boston has been good to me. The comics here are great, and it reminded me why I love doing comedy. It's all about the people.

And JUST IN CASE I was feeling cocky about rolling into town, getting laughs and making friends, the universe decided to deal me a blow.

At the train station, I walked RIGHT into a huge cement column.

YEAH. THAT WAS ME. The girl walking alongside the train while it was coming to a stop...trying to find the perfect "rape-free" car to sit in....not paying attention to the GIANT CEMENT COLUMN holding up the tunnel, coming so quickly towards the side of her head. (the right side, home of all my creativity and my affinity for exercise).

Where is Bob Saget when you need him to turn your pain into cash? It would been SO awesome with a "spunky" song underneath!

Thank God my head was turned toward the train, or else I would have broken my Asymmetrically-nostriled nose. (I don't even care if I spelled that wrong; that was a colorful combo of words, and I DID use the semi-colon correctly, so eat it).

I heard the noise, stumbled back about two feet, wondered if that creepy guy on the train saw me, and THEN I felt like I was gonna throw up. And even after the crying on the train, the "mushroom-like" drive home and a good night's rest, I still have a headache. And do NOT ask me to "Look over there!" real quick-like, because I will throw up on you.

I'll be honest- If I had seen someone do this....I would have laughed my ass off and saved the story for later. But no one was around. And the one guy on the train car didn't laugh. He was too busy trying to rape me.

Hey Life! Thanks for the comedy, and the concussion.

THREE DAYS OF HELL

No one has walked up to me to say, "I loved your show" while I'm eating, asked to take my picture, or wanted me to sign a program in THREE DAYS. Come on....can't we keep that going?

No one has leered at me in a smoky crew bar as if to say "you'd make a good babyoven" in THREE DAYS. That always made me feel so pretty...and it almost made me want a baby!

Life is different now, people.

I had to wake up early yesterday. (before 9!)

I was rudely woken up by SUNLIGHT.

I slept in a room with WINDOWS.

I petted a dog.

I now say "petted."

I've had to watch a 60-inch TV with Surround sound, and almost 800 channels.

I walked around the city at night, and had to ride the subway by myself.

I don't hear any announcements over a PA system about "Boat Drills" or acrobats, and I haven't had the opportunity to decide which one is more urgent.

I had to DRIVE A CAR.

I had to go an entire day without eating ice cream. I know.

I had to eat at QDOBA. OOOH I forgot how disgusting that stuff is...as disgusting as ice cream!

I had to do my OWN laundry, and the directions on the machines were in English. gross.

I COOKED some stuff...in a real kitchen. And I had to wash my own dishes. I might as well be Appalachian.

I haven't bought a souvenier in three days.

Three days of hell....hopefully I'll come out of it.

I watched The Secret; Let's look at the bright side:

I don't have a place to live.

I don't have a job.

I have to pay for food. And Gas. And Travel. (Really....even Travel??)

It's not so bad....

WELCOME BACK TIGER!!!!!!!!!!

Serendipitous Saturday

Overnight in NY- my last one for a while.

So first, I get off the ship, go to my friend Michelle's apartment in NYC (HOT DOORMAN- SCORE) and spend a few blissful solitary hours in a well-lit, good feng-shui place talking on the phone and catching up on email (free wireless signal- SCORE).

I walk to Best Buy and buy the biggest laptop backpack available (pricy, but it will make traveling a WHOLE lot more fun).

I cannot hail a cab to save my life (dinner time, showtime-they were all full), but then I end up walking the entire way to the club to do stand-up. Before I know it I have walked FORTY-SIX blocks and up and down about 7 avenues. It took me an hour and a half- so that's about 3.5 miles. (exercise for the day- SCORE).

I met some great people, very nice comics and bookers and a lot of my friends came to see the first show. And I got a tape immediately. (footage of me performing in NY-SCORE).

THEN I went to the next show- and two of my friends decided to go with me...where there were three more friends waiting, including a guy from high school that I haven't seen in about 8 years. It was awesome. (Old friends who warm my heart-SCORE).

And the SHOW.....it was so much fun. I'm pretty lucky. I was part of the last Shark show at Mo Pitkin's. The hosts were awesome. And get this- there were only three comics performing and one of them is ALSO STAYING at my friend Michelle's apartment! We didn't know we were both doing the same show. And she lives in ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Boston, where I'm going this week. WIERD SERENDIPITY.

I went to a third show....just in time to catch my friend Marco Timpano ripping the shit out of THREE BLIND HECKLERS in the front row. A group of hecklers, and they are all blind?....(Comedy Gold Mine- CHECK)

After hanging out with some of those comics after the show, I walked to UCB to see a show at midnight. I got lost, but then got found. It was a sketch show with two hip-hop guys, and they had some special guests (Horatio Sans playing a racist, republican Jim Morrison? Yes. It happened, and it was effing funny).

My last Saturday in New York, also one of the best.

New York Comedy is my new boyfriend.