GIVE ME A FAHKING DONUT (and a kebab?)

For those of you who have lived here all your life and don't know...

or perhaps you know, but choose not to admit...

Or MAYBE you know, and love it, and think you're NORMAL.

IT'S NOT. YOU'RE NOT. YOU. NEED. TO. STOP.

STOP eating DONUTS at a place that sells kebabs.

STOP opening donut shops that specialize in the "donut/PAD THAI COMBO MEAL"

STOP pretending that it's normal for a city to have 1000 donut-slash (INSERT WEIRD ETHNIC FOOD THAT DOESN'T GO WITH DONUTS HERE) shops! There is one on every corner. and sometimes TWO in the same strip mall. But that strip mall has no parking unless you are wheelchair-bound. And in that case, you get a free donut, some Saag for the road, and an American flag. I mean really.

I thought everyone was gonna be a vegan or macobiotic out here. NOpe. They are just obsessed with sugar, MSG and parking a mile away to get it.

If only the "gas n' hump" concept had taken off....

THANKS FOR THE BABY!

I have been given a baby by the generous city of LA, and I'd like to say thank you!

It's one of those babies that actually looks old- it's going bald, and it looks like it has been through a LOT. But on the inside it's shiny and new, and full of silly things that babies do- (like not knowing the alphabet), and it shits itself at the most inopportune times. awww it's so cute. People keep saying that too. "what a handsome baby!" "Can your baby do my taxes?" and "Happy Yom Kippur, Baby!"

I don't think the baby is jewish. but thank you anyway!

This baby just showed up one day, and it needed a name. So I'm gonna call it "GEORGE." And if someone wants my baby to drive them to dinner, I'm gonna go with it. I just hope the baby doesn't grab its wiener and pee in its mouth before we get there. You can get a ticket for that shit here.