Dear Silverlake,
I’m not sure how to say this without hurting you, but it’s over. It’s funny, because I didn’t even live in you, but I just know it isn’t going to work. I thought you were what I wanted, but I changed my mind. It was fun while it lasted, but I really just want to move on. As you’re reading this, I’m already packing my stuff; I’m leaving tomorrow. No, I’m not gonna put an ad on craigslist, I’m going straight back to my ex: Denver. Sometimes, the best way to get over it is to recycle an old one, and why not recycle with the city that invented the mile high club?
You were the first city I stayed in when I moved to LA...and even though it was only a week, it was a GREAT week! You were so welcoming and fun, with your cool hilly neighborhoods, amazing views and no parking restrictions. Yes, I live in Burbank, but I had fun with you-you have really fun bars, and curvy roads, and quaint little shops and restaurants that are SO far from chains. But people change, and so did you. You are filled with dicks. It’s not really you...it’s the people you hang around with. Does ANYONE say "excuse me "in Silverlake?? NO! Do people in Silverlake drive like they are entitled to kill two pedestrians per day? YES! And, honestly you are filthy. Clean up your dog shit, Silverlake! How do expect to EVER get a girlfriend with all that poop hanging around??
It’s so annoying that there’s really only one road in and one road out. You’re so stuck in your ways for someone so young...LIVE a little!
And this is gonna hurt you, but I have to say it. When you first showed me your "lake," I laughed. I was trying SO hard to hide it...I actually turned my head so you wouldn’t see me laughing. But I couldn’t help it ...I’ve never seen one like that! I know we say size doesn’t matter, but it just looks so weird with that fence around it. I hope I didn’t give you a complex, but you should really let people get up close, and you should stop calling it a lake. It’s more like a cement man-made pond 50 yards away! What’s next- a "free ice cream" cart surrounded by a bed of broken glass? What’s wrong with letting people walk by your trees instead of next to the speeding cars filled with dicks?
You weren’t ready for me- you’re still trying to figure yourself out. Maybe when the market crashes you’ll come around. I will always remember our time together- even though it was short...it was fun. I’ve been to a lot of cities, but I could really see myself getting rich and buying property in you someday-maybe even getting a dog to walk in you! But, there are plenty of other pretty neighborhoods out there.
I hope you’re okay....maybe someday we can hang out...I just need some space for a while. Sometimes, the universe just gives you a taste of something that’s looks good at first so you know what to look for in the next city...
On the top of my list: "excuse me," no dicks, & FREE ICE CREAM (no glass).
Fondly,
Michelle
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Sunday, March 23, 2008
BLOG CHALLENGE 7- THE LAST EFFING ONE.
CONGRATULATIONS- YOU MADE IT!
Seven days- Thanks for powering through with me. It helped a lot. This is the last one for a while-but right now, I cannot think of ANYTHING to write about! ugggghhh. If I had known I was gonna blow my wad on the pigeon, I would have enjoyed it a little more.
I’ve spent a LOT of time in Silverlake/Los Feliz recently. I’m starting to feel like I live there. I gave someone directions today, and I signed up for the Silverlake news email list. Before you know it, I’ll get a dog and stop taking showers.
I saw "Real Women Have Curves The musical" today. After it was over, I felt proud of my body and my latina heritage.
OH-I finally figured out HOW to get on tv- All I need to do is assemble a group of "dancers" on par with a high school talent show, make coordinating "streetworn" (aka shredded) outfits and sneakers, and be able to hold a microphone. Look out, LIVE AT THE APPOLO- here I come!
When people say "I feel like I’ve told you this story before" I always want to say,"No, you haven’t told me this story before...but I’m a little sick of "I feel like I’ve told you this story before." Broken record broken record. (this was funnier out loud).
One tragic repercussion of working out...(well, let’s be honest- it was more "walking fast or uphill" than working out) is that I sweat between my boobs. Does that happen to you? And if you’re wearing a sports bra...that means that you sweat in the middle of the UNIBOOB, which is hard to deal with in mixed company. Sweat makes you itch people! And while guys can go around and adjust and/or scratch the sweat itch whenever or wherever they want, women have to be a little more dignified about it. The UNIBOOB SWEAT ITCH requires the two handed tackle. One hand to hold the sports bra away from the skin (those suckers are TIGHT!), and the other hand to dig in the crack of the uniboob and go in. If you are an expert at this move, you might say something like, "Oh my god, I think I see a coyote over there!" and then swiftly dig between your boobs and get the blissful release that only comes from scratching the uniboob sweat itch in the "money spot."
If you are an amateur, you might say something like, "oh I am sweating like a beast!" or "my boobs itch, don’t look!" while going in. This always ends with your walking partner getting a money shot of you with your hands in the cookie jar.
Speaking of cookie jar- can we all have a moment of silence- Girl Scout Cookie season is officially over. Now I can stop "accidentally" going to the bank on Saturday mornings, and pretending to be surprised that they are set up with a table and two tons of cookies, wearing their cute patches and yelling their sales pitch to strangers.
We don’t give a shit about the cause Sally, just shut up and sell me some Samoas!
Seven days- Thanks for powering through with me. It helped a lot. This is the last one for a while-but right now, I cannot think of ANYTHING to write about! ugggghhh. If I had known I was gonna blow my wad on the pigeon, I would have enjoyed it a little more.
I’ve spent a LOT of time in Silverlake/Los Feliz recently. I’m starting to feel like I live there. I gave someone directions today, and I signed up for the Silverlake news email list. Before you know it, I’ll get a dog and stop taking showers.
I saw "Real Women Have Curves The musical" today. After it was over, I felt proud of my body and my latina heritage.
OH-I finally figured out HOW to get on tv- All I need to do is assemble a group of "dancers" on par with a high school talent show, make coordinating "streetworn" (aka shredded) outfits and sneakers, and be able to hold a microphone. Look out, LIVE AT THE APPOLO- here I come!
When people say "I feel like I’ve told you this story before" I always want to say,"No, you haven’t told me this story before...but I’m a little sick of "I feel like I’ve told you this story before." Broken record broken record. (this was funnier out loud).
One tragic repercussion of working out...(well, let’s be honest- it was more "walking fast or uphill" than working out) is that I sweat between my boobs. Does that happen to you? And if you’re wearing a sports bra...that means that you sweat in the middle of the UNIBOOB, which is hard to deal with in mixed company. Sweat makes you itch people! And while guys can go around and adjust and/or scratch the sweat itch whenever or wherever they want, women have to be a little more dignified about it. The UNIBOOB SWEAT ITCH requires the two handed tackle. One hand to hold the sports bra away from the skin (those suckers are TIGHT!), and the other hand to dig in the crack of the uniboob and go in. If you are an expert at this move, you might say something like, "Oh my god, I think I see a coyote over there!" and then swiftly dig between your boobs and get the blissful release that only comes from scratching the uniboob sweat itch in the "money spot."
If you are an amateur, you might say something like, "oh I am sweating like a beast!" or "my boobs itch, don’t look!" while going in. This always ends with your walking partner getting a money shot of you with your hands in the cookie jar.
Speaking of cookie jar- can we all have a moment of silence- Girl Scout Cookie season is officially over. Now I can stop "accidentally" going to the bank on Saturday mornings, and pretending to be surprised that they are set up with a table and two tons of cookies, wearing their cute patches and yelling their sales pitch to strangers.
We don’t give a shit about the cause Sally, just shut up and sell me some Samoas!
Saturday, March 22, 2008
BLOG CHALLENGE 6- THE BIRD
Today, (thanks to James) I almost died. I hiked up a "trail" that until we showed up had only seen mudslides and rattlesnakes come through. BUT I did it, did not spit blood, AND I only had to take three advil tonight! After 22 minutes of wheezing, I was able to tell him how good it felt.
Luckily after the hike, we went to lunch in Los Feliz! It was lucky because in the middle of our conversation, I saw one of the saddest/coolest things EVER- a ONE-footed pigeon walking on the sidewalk. Seriously. It was just walking around, begging for food like a pirate, hobbling on his peg leg.
They don’t have homeless people in Los Feliz (they’re not allowed in unless they are wearing screen-printed T-shirts and leather wristbands).....BUT they have one-footed pigeons. It was kind of awesome, and sad. But mostly awesome.
How does the one-footed pigeon HAPPEN? I am not some sort of scholar but I just completed my online degree in pigeon theory from DeVry, SO I’ve deduced the following possible answers to this conundrum.
1. His girlfriend (assuming it was a HE) caught him cheating, and instead of cutting off his balls (because WHO can find balls with all those feathers?), she cut off his foot. And then she put his severed foot in the nest of that slutty sparrow, with a note: "He’s a carrier. Congratulations, he got his foot in your door just in time."
2. Assuming is was a female bird: Her boyfriend was shipped off to fight in Iraq; she wanted to prove she would be faithful while he was fighting for our country, so she mamed herself in a way that would prevent other birds from wanting to mate, or even fly next to her. PS. The foot is hanging from her rear-view mirror with a yellow ribbon around it.
3. Scrapbook accident.
4. Bird Frat Hazing.
5. Pinkberry optioned the foot for a new possible flavor. Sometimes you just need money. Don’t judge- you sold your plasma in college for Boone’s Farm money.
6. He tried to cut off the ankle bracelet from his DUI charge, but the knife slipped. It’s ironic, because it makes him want to get drunk but now he can’t drive a stick.
7. Bread fight.
I’m sure there are other possible scenarios, but all I know is that EVERYONE on that patio was throwing food at him. It was really pissing the other birds off. It’s like when two homeless people are standing at the corner, and I only have one dollar to give away. It always comes down to the better sign.
Luckily after the hike, we went to lunch in Los Feliz! It was lucky because in the middle of our conversation, I saw one of the saddest/coolest things EVER- a ONE-footed pigeon walking on the sidewalk. Seriously. It was just walking around, begging for food like a pirate, hobbling on his peg leg.
They don’t have homeless people in Los Feliz (they’re not allowed in unless they are wearing screen-printed T-shirts and leather wristbands).....BUT they have one-footed pigeons. It was kind of awesome, and sad. But mostly awesome.
How does the one-footed pigeon HAPPEN? I am not some sort of scholar but I just completed my online degree in pigeon theory from DeVry, SO I’ve deduced the following possible answers to this conundrum.
1. His girlfriend (assuming it was a HE) caught him cheating, and instead of cutting off his balls (because WHO can find balls with all those feathers?), she cut off his foot. And then she put his severed foot in the nest of that slutty sparrow, with a note: "He’s a carrier. Congratulations, he got his foot in your door just in time."
2. Assuming is was a female bird: Her boyfriend was shipped off to fight in Iraq; she wanted to prove she would be faithful while he was fighting for our country, so she mamed herself in a way that would prevent other birds from wanting to mate, or even fly next to her. PS. The foot is hanging from her rear-view mirror with a yellow ribbon around it.
3. Scrapbook accident.
4. Bird Frat Hazing.
5. Pinkberry optioned the foot for a new possible flavor. Sometimes you just need money. Don’t judge- you sold your plasma in college for Boone’s Farm money.
6. He tried to cut off the ankle bracelet from his DUI charge, but the knife slipped. It’s ironic, because it makes him want to get drunk but now he can’t drive a stick.
7. Bread fight.
I’m sure there are other possible scenarios, but all I know is that EVERYONE on that patio was throwing food at him. It was really pissing the other birds off. It’s like when two homeless people are standing at the corner, and I only have one dollar to give away. It always comes down to the better sign.
Friday, March 21, 2008
BLOG CHALLENGE 5- Remember me?
I hate it when you meet someone, and they accost you by saying, "Actually, we’ve met before. " Or my favorite, "You don’t remember my name do you?"
It automatically puts you on the defensive...."Really? We’ve met before? Where was that again? At so and so’s going away party?....Oh yeah...I’m sorry, I do remember you now."
"Yes, I remember meeting you! But yes..I forgot your name, I’m sorry. What was it again?"
I really hate it when I’m that person. I’m the douche.
When it’s happening, I justify it in my mind as "I’m helping this person with this awkward ’memory searching’ situation," OR "I’ll just let him know that we’ve met before, so we can pick up the conversation where we left off at the LAST going away party."
BUT it never comes off like that. And AS the words leave my lips, I hear them.
"HOW can you not remember me? I remember you!"
"We met at this place, and THAT place...and jesus, what is WRONG with you?"
OR
"Since you didn’t remember me, we should make out, because hey- you OWE me."
So to everyone that I have RE-met recently....and REMINDED that we’ve already met, I’m sorry. I just wanted to acknowledge it. And the next time we see each other, I will acknowledge this awkward blog acknowledging the awkward situation...and we’ll be back to square one.
Also, I have totally written this blog before. DIDN’T YOU READ IT? Yes you did! Don’t you remember!?!?!
PS. If you did not enjoy this blog, click here.
It automatically puts you on the defensive...."Really? We’ve met before? Where was that again? At so and so’s going away party?....Oh yeah...I’m sorry, I do remember you now."
"Yes, I remember meeting you! But yes..I forgot your name, I’m sorry. What was it again?"
I really hate it when I’m that person. I’m the douche.
When it’s happening, I justify it in my mind as "I’m helping this person with this awkward ’memory searching’ situation," OR "I’ll just let him know that we’ve met before, so we can pick up the conversation where we left off at the LAST going away party."
BUT it never comes off like that. And AS the words leave my lips, I hear them.
"HOW can you not remember me? I remember you!"
"We met at this place, and THAT place...and jesus, what is WRONG with you?"
OR
"Since you didn’t remember me, we should make out, because hey- you OWE me."
So to everyone that I have RE-met recently....and REMINDED that we’ve already met, I’m sorry. I just wanted to acknowledge it. And the next time we see each other, I will acknowledge this awkward blog acknowledging the awkward situation...and we’ll be back to square one.
Also, I have totally written this blog before. DIDN’T YOU READ IT? Yes you did! Don’t you remember!?!?!
PS. If you did not enjoy this blog, click here.
BLOG CHALLENGE 4- SUPER JOKE ME.
I am really feeling the effects of trying to come up with something funny every day. I feel like I’m doing my own version of "Super Size Me"- where it sounds like a fun experiment, but a few big macs in, and my kidneys are shutting down.
I never even saw that movie....but I imagine that is how it goes. I heard there is a part where they leave some different burgers and fries sitting out for a while, and after a few weeks, the McDonald’s burger looks as good as new. That’s not gross....that’s AMAZING! I hope that’s how these blogs end up- not all natural and moldy. I want purely mass-produced, hormone-enhanced, long-lasting comedy. Not some mom-n-pop diner burger crap that grows hair after a few days.
I want my jokes to be sold in Starbucks. On a pretty display with some signage that says, "You’ll laugh a latte."
I want people to download a "BLOG ON TAPE" from BarnesandNoble.com
I want people to ask me to sign their copy of the blog...with my electronic
signature. Just like when I put my student loans on deferment.
Also, I want you all to know, that I have been mortified by the misspellings in my blog challenge blogs. I don’t what you thinking, "This crazy lady doesn’t even CARE about grammar and spelling! She was probably educated in Commerce City! Next to the Dog Track and the Flea Market, at a home-school for Appalachian refugees!
Well....as a matter of fact, I do care about spelling, I’m just lazy. And hasty. Put them together and you get lazsty. But I do want to say I’m sorry to Mr. Hoge. He was one of my favorite high school teachers- English- and if he’s reading this, I’m sure he’s proud and ashamed at the same time. Proud that I know how to use a semi-colon; I do not abuse it. But ashamed that I don’t even click the "SPELL CHECK" button before I post it. HEY, HOGE, there is NO spell check button on myspace. TAKE IT UP WITH TOM! Jeez, get off my back.
Also, even though he is retired, he is probably still wearing tweed sport coats with leather patches on the elbows.
And if I could hang out with him for a day, I would totally take him to McDonald’s and tell him about my jokes.....that I wrote...because he was a kickass English teacher.
I never even saw that movie....but I imagine that is how it goes. I heard there is a part where they leave some different burgers and fries sitting out for a while, and after a few weeks, the McDonald’s burger looks as good as new. That’s not gross....that’s AMAZING! I hope that’s how these blogs end up- not all natural and moldy. I want purely mass-produced, hormone-enhanced, long-lasting comedy. Not some mom-n-pop diner burger crap that grows hair after a few days.
I want my jokes to be sold in Starbucks. On a pretty display with some signage that says, "You’ll laugh a latte."
I want people to download a "BLOG ON TAPE" from BarnesandNoble.com
I want people to ask me to sign their copy of the blog...with my electronic
signature. Just like when I put my student loans on deferment.
Also, I want you all to know, that I have been mortified by the misspellings in my blog challenge blogs. I don’t what you thinking, "This crazy lady doesn’t even CARE about grammar and spelling! She was probably educated in Commerce City! Next to the Dog Track and the Flea Market, at a home-school for Appalachian refugees!
Well....as a matter of fact, I do care about spelling, I’m just lazy. And hasty. Put them together and you get lazsty. But I do want to say I’m sorry to Mr. Hoge. He was one of my favorite high school teachers- English- and if he’s reading this, I’m sure he’s proud and ashamed at the same time. Proud that I know how to use a semi-colon; I do not abuse it. But ashamed that I don’t even click the "SPELL CHECK" button before I post it. HEY, HOGE, there is NO spell check button on myspace. TAKE IT UP WITH TOM! Jeez, get off my back.
Also, even though he is retired, he is probably still wearing tweed sport coats with leather patches on the elbows.
And if I could hang out with him for a day, I would totally take him to McDonald’s and tell him about my jokes.....that I wrote...because he was a kickass English teacher.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
BLOG CHALLENGE 3- An Open Letter to Bitches
An Open Letter to Bitches:
Dear (insert your bitchy name here)
Haaaaaayyyyyy gurl! How are you?? I am okay, but who cares, right, because it’s ALL ABOUT YOU! I really like what you were wearing today-you looked super hot with your thong hanging out, and HOLY self-tanner on the midriff! It’s not even SPRING yet! Nice work. If I were you, I would totally buy myself a wine cooler, or play "poor and thirsty" in the middle of a crowded bar. So much fun to watch the guys clammer to buy you a fruity drink!
Speaking of Spring...I cannot WAIT to see you driving down the freeway in your cute yellow convertable (thanks Daddy!), with the vanity plate (2QT, IMHOT, YURIDE, etc). I bet it takes a lot of product to keep your hair looking so good after all the wind. And the way you change lanes without using your blinker, while talking on your cell phone and blaring your bubblegum pop.....it’s so super cute! You should have your own reality show.
Any time you wanna hang out, let me know. I could SO use a marathon of the OC or Tila Tequila- I know one of the producers. Or maybe we could go to movie and talk on our cell phones the whole time. I would totally be down for a trip to the mall- we could steal a parking space and then laugh about it as we walk into the mall wearing our juicy sweat suits- the ones that show off our tramp stamps!
oh...you have to go? Oh...I see- you have to call your rich banker friend back, because he’s gonna fly you to Aspen for the weekend. Wow. That sounds fun! I hope you don’t have TMJ...that can totally put a damper on the shopping. by the way, if you get sick of buying things for yourself, I love jewelry! haha
I’ll see you around. Stay awesome!
*kiss* *kiss*
Michelle
Dear (insert your bitchy name here)
Haaaaaayyyyyy gurl! How are you?? I am okay, but who cares, right, because it’s ALL ABOUT YOU! I really like what you were wearing today-you looked super hot with your thong hanging out, and HOLY self-tanner on the midriff! It’s not even SPRING yet! Nice work. If I were you, I would totally buy myself a wine cooler, or play "poor and thirsty" in the middle of a crowded bar. So much fun to watch the guys clammer to buy you a fruity drink!
Speaking of Spring...I cannot WAIT to see you driving down the freeway in your cute yellow convertable (thanks Daddy!), with the vanity plate (2QT, IMHOT, YURIDE, etc). I bet it takes a lot of product to keep your hair looking so good after all the wind. And the way you change lanes without using your blinker, while talking on your cell phone and blaring your bubblegum pop.....it’s so super cute! You should have your own reality show.
Any time you wanna hang out, let me know. I could SO use a marathon of the OC or Tila Tequila- I know one of the producers. Or maybe we could go to movie and talk on our cell phones the whole time. I would totally be down for a trip to the mall- we could steal a parking space and then laugh about it as we walk into the mall wearing our juicy sweat suits- the ones that show off our tramp stamps!
oh...you have to go? Oh...I see- you have to call your rich banker friend back, because he’s gonna fly you to Aspen for the weekend. Wow. That sounds fun! I hope you don’t have TMJ...that can totally put a damper on the shopping. by the way, if you get sick of buying things for yourself, I love jewelry! haha
I’ll see you around. Stay awesome!
*kiss* *kiss*
Michelle
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
BLOG CHALLENGE 2
I had the MOST AMAZING DAY EVER TODAY!
I woke up and did one hour of yoga in the privacy of my own room. But at the end of it, an EXTREMELY average-looking guy walked in, complimented my form and my feet, and then made out with me REAL GOOD. "The best part of waking up..."
I took a shower, and there was hot water!
I was 20 minutes early for work, I got to park on the lot, and my desk was clean when I got there.
I ate a salad for lunch, and it tasted like a cheese pizza.
I got a phone call from the ad agency that does the Target ads- they LOVED my idea for the spot.
I got a call from the Club Jenna people- they LOVED my idea for the new film SUPERBALD.
I bought a copy of the new Morrissey CD- and he THANKED ME in the notes.
I wrote a self-help book, and Oprah wants to do a whole 8 week online course about it!
I got a check in the mail from kid I sponsor in Zimbabwe. Apparently- he’s been investing that eight cents a day and wanted to say THANK YOU!
I helped a lady give birth in the parking lot of a Best Buy- it’s a boy, and he’s already latching onto the Blue Ray.
I sent a digital picture of the sunset to KTLA- and they used it ON THE AIR, using my first name and city!!!!
I watched the Biggest Loser, ate a box of Tagalongs, and lost 8 pounds at the weigh in- TAKE THAT BLUE TEAM!
I learned Final Cut, and got 1,000,000 hits on my internet short about a girl who talks with her mouth full of tagalongs...in ONE HOUR!
I changed my last name to sound more "ethnic," and became a correspondant for FOX news!
Also, after I confronted this guy for hitting on everyone in the bar BUT me....he invited me to Boise for a picnic. And he picked me up in his Honda civic!
Don’t be jealous....you’ll have a good day soon. You just have to believe....it’s the secret!!
I woke up and did one hour of yoga in the privacy of my own room. But at the end of it, an EXTREMELY average-looking guy walked in, complimented my form and my feet, and then made out with me REAL GOOD. "The best part of waking up..."
I took a shower, and there was hot water!
I was 20 minutes early for work, I got to park on the lot, and my desk was clean when I got there.
I ate a salad for lunch, and it tasted like a cheese pizza.
I got a phone call from the ad agency that does the Target ads- they LOVED my idea for the spot.
I got a call from the Club Jenna people- they LOVED my idea for the new film SUPERBALD.
I bought a copy of the new Morrissey CD- and he THANKED ME in the notes.
I wrote a self-help book, and Oprah wants to do a whole 8 week online course about it!
I got a check in the mail from kid I sponsor in Zimbabwe. Apparently- he’s been investing that eight cents a day and wanted to say THANK YOU!
I helped a lady give birth in the parking lot of a Best Buy- it’s a boy, and he’s already latching onto the Blue Ray.
I sent a digital picture of the sunset to KTLA- and they used it ON THE AIR, using my first name and city!!!!
I watched the Biggest Loser, ate a box of Tagalongs, and lost 8 pounds at the weigh in- TAKE THAT BLUE TEAM!
I learned Final Cut, and got 1,000,000 hits on my internet short about a girl who talks with her mouth full of tagalongs...in ONE HOUR!
I changed my last name to sound more "ethnic," and became a correspondant for FOX news!
Also, after I confronted this guy for hitting on everyone in the bar BUT me....he invited me to Boise for a picnic. And he picked me up in his Honda civic!
Don’t be jealous....you’ll have a good day soon. You just have to believe....it’s the secret!!
BLOG CHALLENGE 1
Okay...here it is as promised- But it might not be funny.
Today is the day that I admit: ex boyfriends haunt me. I carry each torch into the next new thing...and the hopes brought on by past failures burn brighter with each new wick.
I learn with each ending....but I will always be hopeful with each new beginning.
Does that make me naive or beautiful? Either way, a new lesson creeps up and allows me to grow. GROWTH is sexy, right? Like a mole...Is this relationship brown around the edges? Does this new thing have an irregular border??
WHO CARES. This is supposed to be funny.
And this is also the day I admit I am a little drunk....yay bowling!
I PROMISE I will not attempt deep thoughts tomorrow....
blog challenge activate!
And by activate, I mean "check for cancer..."
Today is the day that I admit: ex boyfriends haunt me. I carry each torch into the next new thing...and the hopes brought on by past failures burn brighter with each new wick.
I learn with each ending....but I will always be hopeful with each new beginning.
Does that make me naive or beautiful? Either way, a new lesson creeps up and allows me to grow. GROWTH is sexy, right? Like a mole...Is this relationship brown around the edges? Does this new thing have an irregular border??
WHO CARES. This is supposed to be funny.
And this is also the day I admit I am a little drunk....yay bowling!
I PROMISE I will not attempt deep thoughts tomorrow....
blog challenge activate!
And by activate, I mean "check for cancer..."
Sunday, March 16, 2008
MY PERSONAL BLOG CHALLENGE
Okay sugarnuts,
I’m gonna challenge myself this week- I’m gonna write a blog every day. I know....it’s a little excessive. And who really cares? But I need to do it- I haven’t been writing a lot of comedy lately, and I’ve been a bit of a Debbie Downer (WANH WANH). So I’m warning you- these next seven blogs might suck. But just know that it will be theraputic. And simply by reading them, you are preventing me from jumping off the proverbial comedy ledge...and I know how you like to feel helpful.
Thoughts of the day:
1. Fake Beef strips = DIRGE. No matter how much sauce you put on them, or how many vegetables you shove in your mouth to mask the badness..they still taste like crap.
2. NO hot water= cranky Michelle. Leaky hot water heaters= water damage to the only things I own. Does anyone have a garage where I can put some boxes that WON’T be damaged by random flooding??? Pretty please?
3. Daylight savings time is cool, because you can get outside and and walk around your neighborhood, or around the "lake." Also with so much light, you can see your attacker’s face!
4. My mom is out of the hospital, which is good. I will still have to go there a few times with her while I’m in Denver. But I’m totally gonna pee on the building. Luckily, one of the security guards who works there is a big fan of my comedy, so I will totally get away with the peeing.
5. I love it when a guy thinks he is flirting, but he is just repeating things back to you in a "suggestive" tone.
Example:
Him: So...what are you up to?
Me: I’m driving to Hollywood...ughhh it’s so hot outside today.
Him: Yeah...it’s really hot outside huh?
Me: uhmmm...yeah. So it was fun to see you the other night. Thanks for coming to the show.
Him: yeah...it was fun wasn’t it?
oooooookkkkkaaaaaaaayyyyyy buddy. I do not know what to do with that. GIVE ME SOMETHING. Anyway, obviously there is more to that story, but that’s all you’re gonna get sugarnuts!
It will be better tomorrow. I hope.
(WANH WANH)
I’m gonna challenge myself this week- I’m gonna write a blog every day. I know....it’s a little excessive. And who really cares? But I need to do it- I haven’t been writing a lot of comedy lately, and I’ve been a bit of a Debbie Downer (WANH WANH). So I’m warning you- these next seven blogs might suck. But just know that it will be theraputic. And simply by reading them, you are preventing me from jumping off the proverbial comedy ledge...and I know how you like to feel helpful.
Thoughts of the day:
1. Fake Beef strips = DIRGE. No matter how much sauce you put on them, or how many vegetables you shove in your mouth to mask the badness..they still taste like crap.
2. NO hot water= cranky Michelle. Leaky hot water heaters= water damage to the only things I own. Does anyone have a garage where I can put some boxes that WON’T be damaged by random flooding??? Pretty please?
3. Daylight savings time is cool, because you can get outside and and walk around your neighborhood, or around the "lake." Also with so much light, you can see your attacker’s face!
4. My mom is out of the hospital, which is good. I will still have to go there a few times with her while I’m in Denver. But I’m totally gonna pee on the building. Luckily, one of the security guards who works there is a big fan of my comedy, so I will totally get away with the peeing.
5. I love it when a guy thinks he is flirting, but he is just repeating things back to you in a "suggestive" tone.
Example:
Him: So...what are you up to?
Me: I’m driving to Hollywood...ughhh it’s so hot outside today.
Him: Yeah...it’s really hot outside huh?
Me: uhmmm...yeah. So it was fun to see you the other night. Thanks for coming to the show.
Him: yeah...it was fun wasn’t it?
oooooookkkkkaaaaaaaayyyyyy buddy. I do not know what to do with that. GIVE ME SOMETHING. Anyway, obviously there is more to that story, but that’s all you’re gonna get sugarnuts!
It will be better tomorrow. I hope.
(WANH WANH)
Thursday, March 13, 2008
DOGS AGREE
Addendum to the last blog:
This morning I drove past an animal hospital, and there was a dog pissing on the building.
"Amen, brother.....amen!"
This morning I drove past an animal hospital, and there was a dog pissing on the building.
"Amen, brother.....amen!"
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
WHAT I’VE LEARNED THIS WEEK
This one is a DOOOOOZIE!
1. CVS has what they call "minute Clinic" where if you have a white lab coat, and you can operate a computer mouse and a credit card machine, YOU CAN PRACTICE MEDICINE!!
PS. I had a sinus infection, so the mouse clicks determined I needed antibiotics....and because I have a CVS discount card, I got a free coupon for a yeast infection- redeemable at the checkout!
2. If you have a strange pattern of redness in your eye, and a suspiscious white dot on your cornea...you should go see the nice eye doctor whose name I can't pronounce. He is cool. And he'll prescribe a teeeny tiny bottle of eye drops for you. But you won't find out until you go to the CVS drive-thru (AGAIN) that this teeeny tiny bottle will cost you $92.00. But you get another coupon for a free yeast infection!
3. I need insurance. Or maybe I just need to commit a crime in order to get a good health plan....anyone wanna go in on a white collar group plan? I need to get my teeth cleaned.
4. I am totally okay with being another year older. (Look out 25, here I come!)
5. If you are pissed off that the flower shop is closed when you are trying to buy yourself flowers on your birthday, you should totally buckle your seat belt before you start the car. Also, you should probably have working tail lights on your car before pulling out in front of a motorcycle cop. Otherwise the nice police officer will give you a ticket....and say "Happy birthday" at the end...which makes your flowerless ass seem even MORE pathetic.
6. Getting your eyebrows "threaded" involves a woman holding a piece of string....with one end in her mouth and the other end twisted between her fingers to make a "cat's in the cradle" formation with your eyebrow hairs. And if you cannot control the loud belly-laughing during the "treatment"....you should tip her more and "never come back."
PS. My eyebrows look amazing. Go saliva!
7. "Feed a cold" and "Starve a Fever" are two phrases that my mother apparently invented. My 3.6 pound weight gain should be called "Thanks Mom!"
8. Sometimes in LA, there is a shooting outside the building where you work. And if you're lucky, there will also be a S.W.A.T. team and helicopters, and an armed gunman on the loose, which makes "work" seem more like "jail," because you can't leave the building for 8 hours. But at the end of the day, RIGHT before they catch the armed gunman....they'll let you walk to your car unattended and say it's safe. MY COMPANY CARES!!!
9. When you're in grade school....someone passes you a note and asks you to "go out" with them...and it's a HUGE DEAL. You're pretty much married. But you don't talk to each other at all. Maybe you sit two seats away from each other on the bus, but that's as close as you get, because they are gross.
10. When you're an adult...and you mistakenly say that you're "seeing someone" or "dating" someone- even though you are talking a lot, sitting NEXT to each other on the couch...talking on the phone, texting and laughing about stupid shit....and/or copulating in an awesomely awkward way (can't do THAT on recess!)....he's probably going to freak out, because he just thought you guys were "hanging out." I should make a fucking chart. Because if "going out" feels like marriage, why does "hanging out" feel like grade school?
11. St. Joseph's Hospital in Denver is a source of pain in my life. It's a pretty building...but I want to burn it down. It's where I used to have to go if I broke an ankle during a play or came down with strep on the weekend- the ER is NOT a place of fun OR hope. Thos ugly pink hospital rooms hold my first memories of my Dad being sick. That smell will never go away in my brain. It's the place I spent many hours visiting him, but I never wanted to go. It's where my mom is lying right now, and where she has to go daily for her radiation and/or chemotherapy. Apparently it's where my family goes to die...or at least where they go to fight for their life when Kaiser throws in the towel on them. And I fucking hate it. When I had my own apartment, I used to live right across the street....I could see it from my window, and I would drive by it every day. And I didn't realize how much I hated it until today, when I thought about having to walk in the building to visit my mom. The Catholics are nice....but their hospital can go to hell.
12. ANGER MAKES A GOOD BLOG!
1. CVS has what they call "minute Clinic" where if you have a white lab coat, and you can operate a computer mouse and a credit card machine, YOU CAN PRACTICE MEDICINE!!
PS. I had a sinus infection, so the mouse clicks determined I needed antibiotics....and because I have a CVS discount card, I got a free coupon for a yeast infection- redeemable at the checkout!
2. If you have a strange pattern of redness in your eye, and a suspiscious white dot on your cornea...you should go see the nice eye doctor whose name I can't pronounce. He is cool. And he'll prescribe a teeeny tiny bottle of eye drops for you. But you won't find out until you go to the CVS drive-thru (AGAIN) that this teeeny tiny bottle will cost you $92.00. But you get another coupon for a free yeast infection!
3. I need insurance. Or maybe I just need to commit a crime in order to get a good health plan....anyone wanna go in on a white collar group plan? I need to get my teeth cleaned.
4. I am totally okay with being another year older. (Look out 25, here I come!)
5. If you are pissed off that the flower shop is closed when you are trying to buy yourself flowers on your birthday, you should totally buckle your seat belt before you start the car. Also, you should probably have working tail lights on your car before pulling out in front of a motorcycle cop. Otherwise the nice police officer will give you a ticket....and say "Happy birthday" at the end...which makes your flowerless ass seem even MORE pathetic.
6. Getting your eyebrows "threaded" involves a woman holding a piece of string....with one end in her mouth and the other end twisted between her fingers to make a "cat's in the cradle" formation with your eyebrow hairs. And if you cannot control the loud belly-laughing during the "treatment"....you should tip her more and "never come back."
PS. My eyebrows look amazing. Go saliva!
7. "Feed a cold" and "Starve a Fever" are two phrases that my mother apparently invented. My 3.6 pound weight gain should be called "Thanks Mom!"
8. Sometimes in LA, there is a shooting outside the building where you work. And if you're lucky, there will also be a S.W.A.T. team and helicopters, and an armed gunman on the loose, which makes "work" seem more like "jail," because you can't leave the building for 8 hours. But at the end of the day, RIGHT before they catch the armed gunman....they'll let you walk to your car unattended and say it's safe. MY COMPANY CARES!!!
9. When you're in grade school....someone passes you a note and asks you to "go out" with them...and it's a HUGE DEAL. You're pretty much married. But you don't talk to each other at all. Maybe you sit two seats away from each other on the bus, but that's as close as you get, because they are gross.
10. When you're an adult...and you mistakenly say that you're "seeing someone" or "dating" someone- even though you are talking a lot, sitting NEXT to each other on the couch...talking on the phone, texting and laughing about stupid shit....and/or copulating in an awesomely awkward way (can't do THAT on recess!)....he's probably going to freak out, because he just thought you guys were "hanging out." I should make a fucking chart. Because if "going out" feels like marriage, why does "hanging out" feel like grade school?
11. St. Joseph's Hospital in Denver is a source of pain in my life. It's a pretty building...but I want to burn it down. It's where I used to have to go if I broke an ankle during a play or came down with strep on the weekend- the ER is NOT a place of fun OR hope. Thos ugly pink hospital rooms hold my first memories of my Dad being sick. That smell will never go away in my brain. It's the place I spent many hours visiting him, but I never wanted to go. It's where my mom is lying right now, and where she has to go daily for her radiation and/or chemotherapy. Apparently it's where my family goes to die...or at least where they go to fight for their life when Kaiser throws in the towel on them. And I fucking hate it. When I had my own apartment, I used to live right across the street....I could see it from my window, and I would drive by it every day. And I didn't realize how much I hated it until today, when I thought about having to walk in the building to visit my mom. The Catholics are nice....but their hospital can go to hell.
12. ANGER MAKES A GOOD BLOG!
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