PLAN A. WINS!

Everything always works out. I still over-analyze EVERYTHING, but I know in the end, things will work out the way they are supposed to...for the greater good.

Right now, my greater good involves working on a cruise ship for four months, making people laugh, making money, traveling, creating and having time to focus on myself (inside and out).

It does not involve being an understudy in a (socially important, highly visible) play. I had a great audition. I was proud of myself, and I'm glad I enjoyed the moment. But it wasn't in the plan right now. I hope to do that role someday, but not this time.

Right now, the journey involves other stuff....LIKE PACKING, buying shorts, and finding a bra that will hold my boobs up in that bridesmaid dress. ugggghhhhh. That will take a month by itself.

WRINKLE?

WRINKLE?


uhm.....the morning started pretty normal. But then it got REALLY weird.

A phone call. A HUGE opportunity. A possible wrinkle in the plan? Or a new plan that trumps old plan?

Breathe...relax....trust.....THEN SHIT PANTS.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

1. I let someone touch my feet. And I did not die. I cried a little, but I did not die. Those of you who know me....that is a HUGE deal. Those of you who don't....nevermind.

2. My contacts are scratching my cornea because I have been using the wrong multipurpose solution. I did not know that. That would have been a good thing to know when I had health insurance.

3. I am sentimental, even for things/people that only briefly crossed my path. This is a blessing and a curse.

4. I can "hike" up Fryman without stopping IF I am alone...with no one witnessing how hard I'm wheezing.

5. When I'm wheezing and I feel the urgent need to expell saliva, I CAN spit, but I cannot spit AND clear my body. Because I'm a GIRL!!! yay! I spit on my leg!

6. It is fun to send questionable pictures to people using a cell phone (captured from a certain cable channel that I may or may not work for). Explain THAT to your girlfriend!

7. My intuition about people is 98% accurate. However, if I have a gut feeling that someone/something is not going to work out, I hope to be proven wrong 100% of the time. (I AM DISAPPOINTED 98% OF THE TIME).

8. I'm not good with math....

9. I know things are happening exactly as they are meant to, and my journey is my own. The teacher will appear when the student is ready (or something like that).

10. I don't like eating meat on the bone. (I already knew this, but I forgot. And then I remembered). Can't you just picture it in MOTION!??!??! And I think about the Bodyworlds exhibit....people steaks. blaaaahhhhhggggghhhhhh.

11. I'm glad I never sold my purple carpet or my television or my ice trays. But I wish I hadn't given away my crock pot.

12. If you have a weird pain to the right of your belly button, and you don't have health insurance, IGNORE IT. It's probably just someone thinking about you...A LOT. And real hard-like. Just like when you're ears are burning. Only it means your appendix (or gall bladder?) is talking about you. "HEY douchebag!Down here! Yeah....I hate you. Just wanted to let you know!"

13. Believe it or not, I'm good with kids, and I realized there are no kids in my life here....they are all far away. boooo.

14. I like "fiber cakes."

ALCOHOL

ALCOHOL can be dangerous.

I remember reading a book on the Zodiac when I was younger, and there was something about Pisces being prone to addiction....a life of excess and escape. So that has always been in the back of my mind; I pay attention to how much I drink, and I know when to stop. I never used drugs excessively. If I heard that something was too good or too fun, I didn't even let myself try it. Why dance with the devil? I hate dancing.

But the life of excess and escape did not escape me. It came in the form of cheese, and dessert, and anything else that you can put on a plate or chew. (I almost said swallow, but some of the people who read this blog are not to be trusted with a dangling dirty joke).

I'm a social eater. Do you want to see me? let's eat. Do you want to talk or work something out? Let's hash it out over breakfast at 2am, or coffee and dessert (decaf with splenda? It makes me look like I care). Celebration? That warrants fancy food AND dessert, coupled with a dress, (if I can find one that fits).

When I am sad or weak, I don't drink til I black out, I don't sleep around, I don't gamble- I do it all with food. I screw myself. Because I'm HOT.

I was never bulemic, because I hate throwing up, but also because the empty stomach is not a payoff. I'd rather have the sharp pain in my left shoulder that comes from overeating. It tells me I am alive, for now.

What I'm saying is that DENIAL IS TASTY.

I have lost 50 pounds. But it has taken me over a year.

If food were alcohol, I'd be dead, or in jail.

I fall off the wagon every day...that's not an option with other addictions.

I went for a walk yesterday for an hour, even though my back is messed up. I even ran some of it. Baby steps...

THEN WHAT DID I DO? I ate. and ate. and ate. Trying to fill the hole.

The bridesmaid dress should motivate me. The 4 months on a cruise ship sweating my ass off should motivate me. I should be motivated. But all I want to do is eat and then tell people that my shoulder hurts. It's fascinating!

Things are going well- with the exception of a mini-chapter closing recently, which was rather sad- but overall...good. I shouldn't be in this place. I am an otherwise strong, independant, motivated person who is currently overwhelmed and weak.

Food is my BFF. We can never break up, because you have to eat something every day. I have the half of the necklace that says "BE FRI," because I am the dominant (aka more popular) friend. Onion rings get the "ST ENDS," and likes it.

I thought this was going to be a funny blog, but it turned out to be sad. Like a kid who dropped her ice cream cone. Stupid kid. Treat the ice cream with RESPECT!

I am trying, but it f***ing sucks....every day. Excuse my French fries.

P.S. For my funeral...in lieu of flowers, send cake. I want to be buried surrounded by a lot of colorful- NO! Better yet, bury me IN cake....just a bunch of crumbs that form a kind of "fill dirt." Amazing Grace, how sweet the cake. Now THAT would be funny. The best-smelling funeral EVER!! And if someone frosts my grave with a tub of Betty Crocker Cream Cheese frosting, I will laugh my dead ass off for eternity.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

1. When you find a cheap hotel just in a beach town, you should find out if a bunch of cult members killed themselves there BEFORE you make the reservation. (The free Nikes were a nice touch, though...)

2. If a guy offers to buy you a drink and then switches his wedding ring to the other hand, RUN. And for God's sake, DO NOT go to the Karaoke bar he recommends...unless you like watching white trash procreate on the dance floor.

3. I hate most children, but love most dogs. Dogs don't scream incessantly, steal the last waffle, and then leave the table sticky. And if they do, you can bring them back to the pound.

4. It is more fun to perform for people in 12-step programs than people in a bar. The coffee and cookies crowd LISTENS.

5. Timing is important.

6. Michelle Buteau is afraid of surfers.

7. When a group of guys take a trip to Thailand....it's probably not for "relaxation purposes."

8. If a guy comes up to you at a bar, says something quasi-complementary and pinches your neck fat for no reason, MARRY HIM. Do not freak out and/or make fun of him for three hours by going around pinching the neck fat of your friends...MARRY HIM. HE IS THE ONE!

9. I am "hot." When did that happen?

10. I am a much nicer/happier person when I live by myself.

11. When you put off important things, like divorce....the Universe sends you a little reminder, like a kidney punch in the form of "TAXES OWED." THANKS Universe....I'm spitting up blood, and it tastes like regret.

SEVEN-MONTH SELL-OUT

It only took seven months for me to sell out!

There is a video of my boobs on the internet (and on my page). Does that mean I have made it, or that I'm an uber whore?

I am gonna be working on a cruise ship soon. I hope there are tinsel-y curtains to go with those checks!!

I killed a bunch of ants yesterday...because bugs are icky.

(The smell of RAID Ant & Roach Killer gives me a massive headache. And yet, it is better than waking up with an ant crawling on my pillow).

I re-wrote some of my jokes...to be funnier. (Still can't figure out how to make then cleaner...)

I went to a "beach house" this weekend.

I am more "groomy."

I valet-ed my car when I didn't really need to.

I ate a half a bag of jellybeans today. But they were the fancy ones...

I cleaned my room. (WHAT??!?)

I took a walk around a park, because it was "fun" and "beautiful" outside.

I went to IN-N-OUT yesterday...and ordered a burger "animal style."

I kissed someone on the cheek yesterday.

Add em up.

S+E+L+L+L+I+N+G+O+U+T= a good time.

Gotta run. Botox injection bright and early...for my dog!



PS. I just checked- my road rage is as healthy as ever, and I still hate baby showers...THANK GOD! That was a close one!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH HOW I TRUST.

OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH HOW I HOPE.

OOOOOHHHHH HOW I LAUGH.

Oh How I Learn.

oh.

i.