WHAT I'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

1. Good things happen to nice people.

2. Cheese makes me feel yucky. But I want to make out with it anyway.

3. Cheese and men have a lot in common.

4. Christmas makes me feel guilty.

5. I can talk to strangers and make them laugh.

6. MAGIC EYES make you go GUHHHH. GGKKKAAA. GUHHHH.

7. I only buy music that MOVES me. (DeVotchKa is amazing - You should listen to them).

8. It takes 10 minutes to turn the Avalon from a hip concert venue into a high school prom.

9. If 200 people wait in line in the cold, and 150 of them pay $20 to park in order to wait in line, the prom must be cooler than I remember. (But I'm sure there's still a lot of 3rd base by the bathrooms).

10. Going home presents an entirely new set of problems that I wasn't expecting. But I'm still excited. And if I end up with another cheese headache, so be it. That's what New Year's resolutions are for.

GOOD THINGS HAPPEN TO NICE PEOPLE.

WOOOO HOOOOO! I have a friend who is very talented and funny and adorable, and something really cool is going to happen for him/her next week. I am so excited I could pee. SO PLEASE, send good vibes, and support the dreams of people you care about. Being supportive doesn't detract from your own accomplishments, and the success of a friend doesn't make you a failure. Some people forget that.

I am proud to know you!

THE TOYBOX IS FULL

Current mood: unstuffed and missing a whisker

Psst. Hey kid....

Down here. In the bottom of the toybox. Yeah. under the koosh ball, next to the rubik's cube with the 4 missing squares. Watch out for that rubber snake- it's been up a few noses. Stupid kids. ANYWAY, sorry to see you here. No, really. Nobody likes to see a kid like you in a graveyard. You still have your tags on, and your stuffing hasn't been ripped out by the dog. I loved that freakin dog, and that ungrateful kid. It's sad. But I guess it's our own fault, huh? We were shiny and fun. New and exciting, and different. But then the dog throws up on you. Or the kid drops you in the mud puddle, or rips your ear off on the fence walking home. And then we're not so cute. OR maybe the new playstation comes out, or the kid hits puberty and starts looking at porn instead. Whatever. It's all the same. But at least we know that we were fun. While we lasted. That's not something that all these toys can say. Some of them sucked- they just had good marketing. GAK? come on. And who the hell brought the matchbox corvette to the party? That one is a beeyotch.

But we all have one thing in common- we all knew deep down that we weren't gonna last forever. I realized that the night a cigarette melted half of my paw. There's new crap being tossed around in focus groups right now, ready to hit the shelves. Who knows how long we'll have their attention. And who cares. We made it out of the test markets, home from the store, out of the box, and we were fun. We were even fun in front of company. We were fun! And even though we're in this dark smelly OVERFLOWING toybox now, at least we haven't been tagged with a green dot that says "fifty cents!"

So it's nice to have you, next to the sock puppet and the hackey sack...at least until summer, because it's too freekin cold for a garage sale now.

Now move over. Don't bogart the glow worm.

I'm in a good mood douchebag!

I bought a pretty new ring- it's black and shiny.

I'm going to see a show, and I have a stand-up gig after that.

I've made some cool new friends.

My room is (mostly) clean.

I get pretty decent gas mileage.

I haven't had to use a map lately, and I never bought a Thomas Guide.

I can pay my bills. My credit is decent.

I figured out where to find things I need.

I am starting to feel less and less like I'm on vacation, and more like I actually live here.

I have friends at home who love me. I have a nice family who I love.

I know who I can call when I need them. And who I can't.

I found out I can still do a CARTWHEEL! And I didn't break my arm (or flash my boobs).

I am looking pretty hot these days (50 pounds!) 25-30 more to go.

I am gonna do some shows when I go home for Christmas. yay!

I have a LOT of things to be happy about. So that's what I need to focus n right now, instead of that silly boy who doesn't care about me at all.

The best night followed by the worst news.

Have you ever had the BEST night and want to share it with someone?

And the person you call first is the person you feel understands you, and you look forward to hearing that person's voice...

It's not big news, but it's the kind of thing that someone who cares about you will be happy to hear. And happy for you.

But when you do hear that person's voice, before you get the chance to share the news, they drop a bomb. A "Bad news bomb" that says they care about you a lot, AND FUCK YOU (in French).

A pile of shit, wrapped in a BIG HUGE PURPLE BOW, with tiny pink roses stuck in all over. It's like a shit bouquet. Pretty! But it stinks.

"Enjoy!! It will linger...because it's shit. And I wish I could help you untie the ribbon, but I have to go."

The ribbon helps, but only to the extend that it makes my night/life seem oddly more hysterical.

INNOCENT STALKER

I am innocent. I am not a stalker. But I'm sure famous people have trouble believing that.

Two years ago. I met a "famous person" at a "gathering" of "funny people." I was performing. So was he/she. He/She and I talked. He/She is nice. He/She is gracous. He/She agreed to watch my one-woman show and give me feedback. He/She gave me his/her email address. We corresponded. He/She gave me his/her mailing address. I NEVER exchanged his/her info with another human being. I respected his/her privacy. I mailed him/her my show/pres packet, etc. Nothing. I saw him/her again at another "gathering" of "funny people." He/She remembered me. Apologized for not watching my show. Super nice. Again. I emailed him/her a couple times after that, just to keep him/her posted on my career. And he/she emailed back with encouragement and updates of his/her own. I didn't pursue any other sort of mailing, because obviously he's/she's a busy person, and it really doesn't matter if he/she watches my show or not. I'm over it. The coolest part was that he/she remembered me. And he/she was nice.

CUT to TWO YEARS later, I move to LA. I find a nice guy via craigstlist who needs a roomate. He is nice. I like nice people. So I see a bunch of shitty places, meet a bunch of strange people, and end up deciding to live with the nice guy in a nice neighborhood.

Yesterday, I was cleaning up emails and contact lists. I find the "Famous person's" address.

HE/SHE LIVES ON THE SAME BLOCK. A few houses down.

NO SHIT.

Cool right?

Nope. Not cool at all....

I can NEVER have another conversation with this famous person again.

He/She gave me his/her address, and now I live on the same street.

THAT EQUALS STALKER.

I'm sure he/she doesn't live there anymore. But stillllllll.

What are the effing chances?

If it wasn't so creepy it would be hilarious.

GIVE ME A FAHKING DONUT (and a kebab?)

For those of you who have lived here all your life and don't know...

or perhaps you know, but choose not to admit...

Or MAYBE you know, and love it, and think you're NORMAL.

IT'S NOT. YOU'RE NOT. YOU. NEED. TO. STOP.

STOP eating DONUTS at a place that sells kebabs.

STOP opening donut shops that specialize in the "donut/PAD THAI COMBO MEAL"

STOP pretending that it's normal for a city to have 1000 donut-slash (INSERT WEIRD ETHNIC FOOD THAT DOESN'T GO WITH DONUTS HERE) shops! There is one on every corner. and sometimes TWO in the same strip mall. But that strip mall has no parking unless you are wheelchair-bound. And in that case, you get a free donut, some Saag for the road, and an American flag. I mean really.

I thought everyone was gonna be a vegan or macobiotic out here. NOpe. They are just obsessed with sugar, MSG and parking a mile away to get it.

If only the "gas n' hump" concept had taken off....

THANKS FOR THE BABY!

I have been given a baby by the generous city of LA, and I'd like to say thank you!

It's one of those babies that actually looks old- it's going bald, and it looks like it has been through a LOT. But on the inside it's shiny and new, and full of silly things that babies do- (like not knowing the alphabet), and it shits itself at the most inopportune times. awww it's so cute. People keep saying that too. "what a handsome baby!" "Can your baby do my taxes?" and "Happy Yom Kippur, Baby!"

I don't think the baby is jewish. but thank you anyway!

This baby just showed up one day, and it needed a name. So I'm gonna call it "GEORGE." And if someone wants my baby to drive them to dinner, I'm gonna go with it. I just hope the baby doesn't grab its wiener and pee in its mouth before we get there. You can get a ticket for that shit here.

LEAVING IS A DOUCHE

I am ready to go. But not ready to leave. Because LEAVING IS A DOUCHE.

I don't want to say goodbye to people I love. I am not ready to leave them. Family, new friends, old loves, new problems. LEAVING IS A DOUCHE.

I don't want to say goodbye to people who will swoop in at the last minute, pretending they have been there for the past year. YOU ARE A DOUCHE.

I don't want to spend my last four days disappointed, because DISAPPOINTMENT IS DOUCHE.

I don't want to fill out the divorce papers in a mad rush just because I am leaving, because DIVORCE IS A DOUCHE. And it is hard, regardless of how long you've been separated.

Oh and for you: You want 3 months worth of rent as a security deposit to live there for 2 months?? hmmmmm....DOUCHE.

And tying a pretty ribbon on things just because I'm leaving is next to impossible, because LEAVING IS A DOUCHE.

Some dumbass once said, "There is no end. Only new beginnings..."

Well, the person who said that is a DOUCHE!

It's like when a dog has diahhrea- he shits in a pile, walks four feet and shits out another pile. He doesn't look back. "Only new beginnings..." and new, smelly shit.

Now let's party.

LA IN THREE WEEKS

Well, the train is moving. I cannot stop it, no matter how UN-READY I am!

I have bought the ratchett straps, the tarps, the mattress bags...

I have sufficient blankets and uniform-sized boxes.

The "relo-cube" rent-a-shed thing is coming Thursday to take my stuff to LA. It will contain:

-my bed

-2 dressers, (one of which I was told to call a "chest of drawers" as a child, but now people make fun of me for calling it that. Thanks mom)

-my tv

-a lot of boxes of costumes, wigs, junk and clothes

-a midget

After next weekend, I will be a nomadic Denverite- surfing upon couches of friends, family, and lovers for a couple weeks until:

-I complete my week-long run in the Second City show, "How I lost my Denverginity" August 2-6 (www.denvercenter.org)

-I can tie up loose ends like getting a job, finding a place to live when I get to LA, and possibly a divorce?? hmmmm.

-I can have a party at which I can gather everyone I have been wanting to see over the past month (or year), so I can say THANK YOU for supporting me, and also get drunk. (Sunday August 13 at the Bovine Metropolis Theater, 7pm).

In the mean time, I'm having fun giving stuff away via raffles and contests at my shows. Combining performance with unloading crap I don't need- it is silly and strangely liberating. Plus, my stuff is now in the hands of people who support local comedy, rather than in the dumpster next to my apartment.

Look for blogs from the road. If I don't have at least one "Some guy was peeing off the side of the road and he winked at me" story, I'll give each of you ten bucks.

ASSSSSPEN Comedy Festival

So it's only 4 hours way, and I made it in 3.5,

because I am a badasssss(pen.)

My four days in Aspen, in a nutshell:

22 live shows

3 features

15 shorts

-Met T.R. Knight.= highlight. He is a fantastic actor and a surprisingly nice, normal guy.

-Met Damon Wayans, got to tell him thank you for making a beautiful film about stand-up comedy that was both inspiring and eye-opening.

-Spoke with Jeffrey Tambor long enough to find out that Showtime has indeed picked up Arrested Development. YAY!

-Met a lot of comics/actors/film-makers who are talented, funny, and insanely creative- doing what they love and putting it out into the universe, knowing it will pay off, providing hope for us all.

Some of my favorites: Barron Vaughn, Aziz Ansari, The Walsh Brothers, Crime Scenes, Kristen Schaal, Brigette Everett, & Rebecca Drysdale

-Witnessed a woman in the bathroom making a LOT of strange noises while looking at herself in the mirror, and then flipping her hair, grunting, posing for herself, and judging me for my lackof bulemia. Brilliant.

-(and then I vomited on her to prove it's a bad idea)

-laughed at all the assssssspenites who wear huge fur boots, fur hats and full-length fur coats to walk from their car to the front door, when there is only 2 inches of snow on the ground and it's 40 degrees. Maybe the freezing point for silocone and botox is a little higher??

- one $9.00 drink, and then a bunch of cheaper ones.

-one 8-hour trip back home, because no one is a badassssssss(pen) in a blizzard.

LA- Land of Lines

The Hollywood sign should read: "Lineywood"

1- Asssscat

2- IO West

3. M-Bar (no line, but no show, so it might as well have been a line)

4-Largo

5-Open call for Last Comic Standing

6-Comedy Death Ray

2 of the 6 lines actually paid off . So Lineywood, you're running a success rate of 33% -just like our school systems.

But you were still fun. and funny. Wanna go out?

Other highlights:

Getting a soda thrown on my car on the highway by a douchebag in a land rover

Meeting some cool (normal??) people in the line for LCS.

Getting a taste of what it's like to be a comic over 50 and CRAZY.

Note to self: don't do impressions, don't wear tap shoes or a white tie to an audition, and don't forget how to have a normal conversation with people (in other words, don't disguise your 20 year old act as stuff that just happens to come up).

I think I'm ready.

Debit Cards Can Blow Me

Oh Debit Card....where the fuhhhhk are you?

Hiding under the seat of my car?

Riding around denver in a thug's pocket, buying hookers and cheese?

In the "Lost and not found" drawer at Starbucks?

In the hands of the smarmy 7-11 employee?

On the pavement in some random square foot of the 16th street mall??

Oh Debit Card- you are such a WHORE!! You know I am going on vacation tomorrow. You know

I will not be able to buy hookers and cheese without you.

We are breaking up. And you can keep the CDs, you bitch.