THE WHIRLWIND THAT IS MY LIFE

Things have been a little nutso over the last 7 days.

I moved out of my apartment, I quit my job, I spent time (and got drunk) with people who matter to me in LA and went to Denver for four days, where I did the following:

I did two shows, I was in a wedding. (plus a rehearsal dinner where I ate my weight in Indian food), saw some funny boys, hung out with a lot of old friends, randomly ran into friends from Boston who were here, saw (and shared a moment with) Jonathan Pitts, who was in town for a very sad reason, spent time with a few of my nieces, saw one of my nieces off to the air force, got a haircut, went to therapy, saw the hot chiropractor (and his wife), went to a weight watchers meeting, OH, AND I did a 10K!

I got my ass out of bed. And did it. Damn you, blog guilt. I set out to walk it, but whenever some dumb kids or group of annoying ladies were pissing me off, I ran to get away from them. I ended up running a lot more than I thought I would. It hurt, but overall it was fun. The best part is all the food they give you when you finish. And I scored 4 Ben Gay Patches! (Don't be jealous).

There were a lot of people I didn't get to see this time...and it makes me sad. I wish I could have fit everything in.

BUT, it was a good way to go out. Now I'm in Chicago- rehearsals for the cruise ship gig start tomorrow morning. And for the next few days I'll be packing in as many of my Chicago friends and shows as I can....and then I'll be on the cruise ship where I will probably have TOOOOOOOOO MUCH TIME.

It's going to be a huge adjustment. I have designed several projects for myself to keep myself creative and busy, but cross your fingers. You know what they say about idle hands....They grab another plate and go back to the buffet.

WHAT WAS I THINKING??

What the FAAAACK was I thinking?

A 10K the morning after a wedding?????

A MARATHON party. and then a QUARter Marathon??? I am a retard.

But I paid 50 bucks to register for the Bolder Boulder. And dammit. I'm. gonna. do. it. But not because I want to.

Because in 4 hours, when I have to wake up, and I think, " NO EFFFFING WAY am I going to put vaseline on all my chafing zones, drive to the park-n-ride, and go walk/jog SIX POINT TWO miles with 40,000 other people," I'll remember this blog, feel guilty, and get my hot bridesmaid ass out of bed.

Shit.

SUCK MY BLOG

I try to find something funny in situations that are otherwise horrible. There's a lot of funny shit in horrible. Sometimes it just takes longer to see.

So if I'm talking about you onstage- or if you find yourself in one of my blogs, it just means you made me funnier! What a kickass gift! You are so sweet.

Your ever-so-humble and gracious

Michelle

SO AND SO

This is a little evil, but SO liberating.

1. It was nice to see So and So last night. Super yum.

2. So and So told me he knows someone that so and so used to date and that he did the same thing to her!

3. So and So is totally into me.

4. So and So hooked up with So and So!

5. So and So can suck a bag of dicks. And then his own.

6. So and So keeps calling.

7. So and So doesn't call.

7. So and So was so trashed last night!

8. So and So got a pregnancy test for her birthday.

9. I hope I get to see So and So before I leave.

10. I hope I don't run into So and So before I leave.

11. So and So used the word "BLISSFUL" about So and So...and that is exciting.

12. So and So should not give up their day job.

13. I didn't know So and So at ALL.

14. So and So is really funny. And that is hot.

15. So and So is kind of a bitch.

16. So and So treated me like a stranger.

17. Can't wait to see So and So in NYC.

18. I would totally make out with So and So.

19. So and So makes me want to be better.

20. I miss So and So.

NOTES I'VE WRITTEN AT WORK

The following are things I've actually jotted down at work (shorthand intact). I am narrowing in on my last few days at this job, and I never want to forget how special it is.

1.. "Each spot with sex needs it's own DVD"

2. "Sourcelists for hardcore asians."

3. "True forgiveness is when you can say thank you for giving me that experience....when you can give up the hope that the past could have been different." (this was a direct quote from Oprah. I thought it looked nice on a post-it).

4. "Open with Sizzle reel"

5. "last shot of McK Pain-whipping bent over-girl not wearing anything. Shot needs replaced."

6. "Leather Skin Peek- add Monique 'JUMP'"

7. "If you get a job in porn, follow these rules:"

1. Pretend it is normal

2. Don't tell anyone

3. Look for another job.

8. "Dim Sum- RETARDED."

9. "We've torn down the old God of Phonebooks and propped up the new God- GOOGLE."

10. "Develop a plan"

11. "How Much? Not the right size. Limited selection."

12. Between the Sheets- Cut tags.

There might be better ones when I clean out my desk. I'll keep you posted.

I JUST WATCHED 30 EPISODES OF PROM QUEEN

I just watched 30 episodes of PROM QUEEN.


I feel sick. I'm 33. I might as well be a cougar trolling at the college bar.

I'm too old to like Prom Queen. But it sucks you in, in 90-second increments.

DAMN YOU PROM QUEEN. It's kind of brilliant. And there are 40 more episodes that I can't wait to watch.

PS. I know a couple of the guys who created it...said the cougar.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

I've been trying to think of something new to write.And I've been trying to be more positive. But honestly, this week it's more of the same.

1. Moving is fantastic!

2. I understand boys!

3. I am great with math!

(Like I said...trying to be more positive)

...one new thing. I need matress bags- to store my matresses, so they don't gets no bedbugs. I can't find them anywhere. When I moved from Colorado, I found them at Wal-mart, so I thought I could get them at Wal-Mart again. I drove to Panorama City to the only Wal-Mart in a 20 mile radius....and guess what? NO Mattress bags. No dish boxes. Nothing that I needed.

BUT I did get AIDS. (and it was CHEAP!)

4. I HATE WAL-MART. That's something new this week. Hey douchebag with the name tag: don't send me to the paint section if you don't KNOW FOR SURE.

5. It takes a REALLY long time to export video. Longer than it takes to Import. Just like messages into your brain. Easier to input than erase.

6. Wendy's and Wal-mart....two rare things in Southern California. Oddly enough, both in the same shopping center in Panorama City! They should call it PARADISE CITY. Where the grass is green and girls are pretty.

7. A stand-up show with no music and no introduction feels more like a meeting. Who's taking the minutes?

8. My life is a fast-moving train again...and that part is fun. It is exciting to know that in 10 days, I will be poised to deal with new and different stuff. And all this current stuff will eventually fade away.

9. I am a mad manifestor. Shortly after thinking, "I should call so and so and schedule the radio thing soon, so I can promote the LA Comedy Fest show" the guy contacted me and asked me if I could do it today! weird.

10. Small world story- Someone responded to the ad to rent my room. She is from Colorado (check), actually Westminster (check!). She went to my high school (check!), was involved in drama (check!), and does improv (check!) She was cast in a show that I coached a few years ago. It was an 8-week improv workshop where the kids did a show at the end-and I was the referee (basic improv cheese). HOW WEIRD is that?

11. I look pretty hot in the strapless bridesmaid dress....who knew? I still need to do a "will the girls stay in their cage when I'm drunk dancing" test. I'll keep you posted.

I JUST REMEMBERED!

I just remembered that I owe some people some money...

I hosted a weekly show in Denver and during one of the shows, I enlisted the audience to help with a "divorce fun-raiser." I thought having other people's money in the kitty would motivate me to fill out the paperwork.

I owe that audience $7.33. (And a divorce).

WHAT I'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

1. I CAN hike without spitting on my leg.

2. I can find a strapless (bridesmaid's-dress-approved) bra in JUST under 3 hours, with only one small fit of crying.

3. I think I was an angry vampire dog in another life. Because sometimes I fly off the leash and go for the jugular.

4. Blood tastes like Gaines Burgers.

5. When you ask the universe for a sign and the answer feels like a KIDNEY PUNCH, listen! You heard it correctly. The answer was "GET OUT OF THE WAY, dumbass! Move over, and let someone else get punched."

6. Packing is equally liberating and sucky.

7. Customers at Target don't enjoy waiting while you try on 100 items, in increments of six.

8. 100 items in + 1 hour trying stuff on = 4 things that I would not normally wear in public, but I bought because I'm going to be on a boat in some HOT places.

9. If I ever write a memoir, this summer will be known as "THE SUMMER OF SKIN."

10. For reasons you don't need to know, this blog will be referred to as "THE BLOG OF SKIN."

11. I had one bad set in Denver while I was visiting, and one bad set in LA when I got back. One got me promoted, and the other got me some clarity. (Both made me want to vomit for different reasons). Mmmmmmmmmm comedy.

12. I do not know how to put a cruiser bike together. Even with "Google images" and all the parts. (WHERE DO THESE FOUR SCREWS GO? AND WHAT IS THE MYSTERY TOOL THAT ALLOWS YOU TO ATTACH THE FREAKIN HANDLE BARS!?!?)

13. I will never buy a hot bike from a hot guy again.

14. If you don't have a friend from Kentucky who invites you over to be the designated muddler of all things mint julepy, you will probably not even realize there's a horse race on.

15. "I have to pee like a race horse" is a saying that probably originated from the Derby (or mint juleps).

LEAVE IT TO ME

Leave it to me to get into fights with strangers.

BRENDA (if that's your real name) at the DIME, this is for you:

I'm sorry you're such a whore.

I'm sorry you look like you're hitting on customers, when apparently you "work there." Oooh...have you been on a break for three hours while you sit and hit on guys, keeping an eagle eye on what chairs might block the "high traffic" of an empty bar????

I'm sorry you have a tramp stamp, and an incapacity to be logical or accomodating to paying customers who don't want to stick their dicks in your mouth. I don't have a dick, Brenda. No WONDER you were confused.

I DO feel that way, I won't come back, and you can NOT have my children. or my boobs. No matter how much you beg.

Whore.

Enjoy your evening. I hope you get pregnant with a future frat boy who rapes someone like you.