WHAT I'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

1. I CAN hike without spitting on my leg.

2. I can find a strapless (bridesmaid's-dress-approved) bra in JUST under 3 hours, with only one small fit of crying.

3. I think I was an angry vampire dog in another life. Because sometimes I fly off the leash and go for the jugular.

4. Blood tastes like Gaines Burgers.

5. When you ask the universe for a sign and the answer feels like a KIDNEY PUNCH, listen! You heard it correctly. The answer was "GET OUT OF THE WAY, dumbass! Move over, and let someone else get punched."

6. Packing is equally liberating and sucky.

7. Customers at Target don't enjoy waiting while you try on 100 items, in increments of six.

8. 100 items in + 1 hour trying stuff on = 4 things that I would not normally wear in public, but I bought because I'm going to be on a boat in some HOT places.

9. If I ever write a memoir, this summer will be known as "THE SUMMER OF SKIN."

10. For reasons you don't need to know, this blog will be referred to as "THE BLOG OF SKIN."

11. I had one bad set in Denver while I was visiting, and one bad set in LA when I got back. One got me promoted, and the other got me some clarity. (Both made me want to vomit for different reasons). Mmmmmmmmmm comedy.

12. I do not know how to put a cruiser bike together. Even with "Google images" and all the parts. (WHERE DO THESE FOUR SCREWS GO? AND WHAT IS THE MYSTERY TOOL THAT ALLOWS YOU TO ATTACH THE FREAKIN HANDLE BARS!?!?)

13. I will never buy a hot bike from a hot guy again.

14. If you don't have a friend from Kentucky who invites you over to be the designated muddler of all things mint julepy, you will probably not even realize there's a horse race on.

15. "I have to pee like a race horse" is a saying that probably originated from the Derby (or mint juleps).