If I was in Denver right now, I would be:
Hanging out with my family.
Driving in the snow.
Eating a LOT. Cheesy broccoli rice casserole anyone? Pumpkin cream cheese rolls? YES please.
Doing a show tonight at the squire with all my comedy boyfriends. Christmas on Colfax....spreading holiday mirth to Denver's favorite orphans and meth-heads. God that sounds like fun.
Going to See DeVotchka at the Merc on Friday, where I would be able to see Chrissy, Susan, and possibly Karey and Stella...
Seeing all my improv friends; going to the Bovine to see some shows.
Drinking beer with the impulse kids after their show. Laughing with Chris.
Walking to Eric's in the snow, making stops at Brian & Sara's, Pam & Mike's, Patsy & Jeb's...
Scraping ice off my car. Wearing gloves.
But instead, I'm stuck in LA, in the 60 degree weather, still in my pajamas. I haven't gone outside all day. I've been baking a CRAPLOAD of goodies, whipping up a fancy christmas dinner for one, and watching guilty-pleasure dumb movies.
No Christmas Shower for this lady! No Christmas hustling around, and no stress. Just me and my baked goods....making out hardcore.
I hope you're having fun without me Denver! See you next year, you crazy bitch!
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
WHAT I’VE LEARNED THIS WEEK
It's time for another installment.
1. My avoidance of all things Christmas has also helped keep me in a good mood for 2/3 of December. (tonight I thought I would just pick up a few small gifts for clients, and I discovered the old christmas gloomsies, right where I left them. HATE IT.
2. The more holiday treats you make and don't give away, the more you eat.
3. I think there should be a Walk of Shame Hall of Fame.
4. When some guy makes you lift the band-aid off his "mole removal wound" immediately after a show, you know the mole joke is a keeper.
5. When you pick up dog poop and your first thought is, "mmm. yeah. I'm gonna have some chicken for dinner too," it's time to hang out with people.
6. When you bowl a 209, everyone wants a piece of you.
7. Stopping yourself from sending a drunk message is called PROGRESS. Accidentally sending it when you're sober is called SUNDAY
8. I can only chew gum for about five minutes before I want to spit it out.
9. I have little pockets of my brain that open up at the strangest times, revealing words, phrases, or bits of knowledge that I had no idea were there. (the word TINCTURE came out of my mouth the other day...what the hell?)
10. When your friend records a special ringtone for your calls...an obscure phrase in a strange voice of HIS OWN, it makes both of you laugh when you call.
11. Being on a kickass improv team is exactly what I needed, in this crazy town at this crazy time.
12. Working in porn (even part-time) is like riding a bicycle. A horrible, broken bicycle with skinhead stickers (which you can't scrub off even with Goo Be Gone) that you bought at a yard sale and are too ashamed to ride in your cultured neighborhood.
13. When porn star grabs your boobs and says they are nice, it is a compliment. When a co-worker shows that video to a room full of producers, it feels more like love.
1. My avoidance of all things Christmas has also helped keep me in a good mood for 2/3 of December. (tonight I thought I would just pick up a few small gifts for clients, and I discovered the old christmas gloomsies, right where I left them. HATE IT.
2. The more holiday treats you make and don't give away, the more you eat.
3. I think there should be a Walk of Shame Hall of Fame.
4. When some guy makes you lift the band-aid off his "mole removal wound" immediately after a show, you know the mole joke is a keeper.
5. When you pick up dog poop and your first thought is, "mmm. yeah. I'm gonna have some chicken for dinner too," it's time to hang out with people.
6. When you bowl a 209, everyone wants a piece of you.
7. Stopping yourself from sending a drunk message is called PROGRESS. Accidentally sending it when you're sober is called SUNDAY
8. I can only chew gum for about five minutes before I want to spit it out.
9. I have little pockets of my brain that open up at the strangest times, revealing words, phrases, or bits of knowledge that I had no idea were there. (the word TINCTURE came out of my mouth the other day...what the hell?)
10. When your friend records a special ringtone for your calls...an obscure phrase in a strange voice of HIS OWN, it makes both of you laugh when you call.
11. Being on a kickass improv team is exactly what I needed, in this crazy town at this crazy time.
12. Working in porn (even part-time) is like riding a bicycle. A horrible, broken bicycle with skinhead stickers (which you can't scrub off even with Goo Be Gone) that you bought at a yard sale and are too ashamed to ride in your cultured neighborhood.
13. When porn star grabs your boobs and says they are nice, it is a compliment. When a co-worker shows that video to a room full of producers, it feels more like love.
Friday, December 7, 2007
THE NEW BLOG BLOG
I have been contemplating what to write a blog about for about 3 weeks. A lot of important people are reading this, and I do not want to disappoint. I have posted SIXTY-NINE blogs. So number 70 better be good, right? I am under a lot of pressure here guys!
So until I figure out what to write about, I thought I'd give you a list of the things that I've been considering. A few subjects that I've been chewing on, or masticating, or digesting, if you will.
You can chime in on your favorite- or you can just ask the universe to send me your request. Who knows, maybe the brand new blog you ask for will be delivered under your tree along with a new bike. Shhhh...it's the secret.
1. What's in my purse today
2. My favorite things to say to Patches, the new dog I'm walking. I'm convinced that you can say anything to a dog in a "good boy!" voice and the dog will think it has just cured cancer.
3. Things to do in Burbank with five dollars and chest hair.
4. The story about me getting groped by a porn star. ..
5. Weekly bowling highlights- which might include the following:
Conversations overheard "on the back line."
The best "bowler jabs" of the night
"What I ate at the snack bar."
6. Things I've shamefully googled
7. A video of me doing yoga (secretly in my room)
8. An updated version of "LAUNDROMAT OF FUN"
9. Things that have/haven't changed in LA in five months
10. Drunk texting
11. Ways to tell that LA is the BEST place in the universe to do comedy
12. Awkward things to discover in your desk
13. The story about how google is a cock-blocker.
14. How to spend $60 at Vons and have not one complete meal to show for it.
15. The story about how I met the guy from that show that got cancelled, and how I (in under five minutes) gave him a compliment and shattered his dreams.
16. If you can't get a guy to touch your naughties in real life, do it on stage!
17. My editorial piece on Circuit City (hint: it involves an external hard drive and a bag of dicks)
18. The story about the day I walked the picket line with KEN OBER. (hint: my calves still hurt).
19. SMALL GRAVY!!! (a new show that's coming to a theater near you- if you live near the theater)
20. The Gorilla Glue experiment
Hearts and farts,
Miracle
So until I figure out what to write about, I thought I'd give you a list of the things that I've been considering. A few subjects that I've been chewing on, or masticating, or digesting, if you will.
You can chime in on your favorite- or you can just ask the universe to send me your request. Who knows, maybe the brand new blog you ask for will be delivered under your tree along with a new bike. Shhhh...it's the secret.
1. What's in my purse today
2. My favorite things to say to Patches, the new dog I'm walking. I'm convinced that you can say anything to a dog in a "good boy!" voice and the dog will think it has just cured cancer.
3. Things to do in Burbank with five dollars and chest hair.
4. The story about me getting groped by a porn star. ..
5. Weekly bowling highlights- which might include the following:
Conversations overheard "on the back line."
The best "bowler jabs" of the night
"What I ate at the snack bar."
6. Things I've shamefully googled
7. A video of me doing yoga (secretly in my room)
8. An updated version of "LAUNDROMAT OF FUN"
9. Things that have/haven't changed in LA in five months
10. Drunk texting
11. Ways to tell that LA is the BEST place in the universe to do comedy
12. Awkward things to discover in your desk
13. The story about how google is a cock-blocker.
14. How to spend $60 at Vons and have not one complete meal to show for it.
15. The story about how I met the guy from that show that got cancelled, and how I (in under five minutes) gave him a compliment and shattered his dreams.
16. If you can't get a guy to touch your naughties in real life, do it on stage!
17. My editorial piece on Circuit City (hint: it involves an external hard drive and a bag of dicks)
18. The story about the day I walked the picket line with KEN OBER. (hint: my calves still hurt).
19. SMALL GRAVY!!! (a new show that's coming to a theater near you- if you live near the theater)
20. The Gorilla Glue experiment
Hearts and farts,
Miracle
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