WHAT I’VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

It's time for another installment.

1. My avoidance of all things Christmas has also helped keep me in a good mood for 2/3 of December. (tonight I thought I would just pick up a few small gifts for clients, and I discovered the old christmas gloomsies, right where I left them. HATE IT.

2. The more holiday treats you make and don't give away, the more you eat.

3. I think there should be a Walk of Shame Hall of Fame.

4. When some guy makes you lift the band-aid off his "mole removal wound" immediately after a show, you know the mole joke is a keeper.

5. When you pick up dog poop and your first thought is, "mmm. yeah. I'm gonna have some chicken for dinner too," it's time to hang out with people.

6. When you bowl a 209, everyone wants a piece of you.

7. Stopping yourself from sending a drunk message is called PROGRESS. Accidentally sending it when you're sober is called SUNDAY

8. I can only chew gum for about five minutes before I want to spit it out.

9. I have little pockets of my brain that open up at the strangest times, revealing words, phrases, or bits of knowledge that I had no idea were there. (the word TINCTURE came out of my mouth the other day...what the hell?)

10. When your friend records a special ringtone for your calls...an obscure phrase in a strange voice of HIS OWN, it makes both of you laugh when you call.

11. Being on a kickass improv team is exactly what I needed, in this crazy town at this crazy time.

12. Working in porn (even part-time) is like riding a bicycle. A horrible, broken bicycle with skinhead stickers (which you can't scrub off even with Goo Be Gone) that you bought at a yard sale and are too ashamed to ride in your cultured neighborhood.

13. When porn star grabs your boobs and says they are nice, it is a compliment. When a co-worker shows that video to a room full of producers, it feels more like love.