BAD NEWS

The hottest guy on the ship, the one I've been referring to as my boyfriend for three weeks (just to my friends of course) is leaving at the end of this cruise.

On the crew, there are 5 girls for every guy, so to find one that is hot and funny is rare. I found him the first week, and it's been keeping me from going insane ever since.

I just ran into him. OH MY GOD HE IS HOT. I think he's a man-whore, but who cares. It was fun to dream. He's doing a show tonight, involving semi-drag. (WHAT? I know.) "but I'm not gay." Okay...good to know!

It's my last one. I'm leaving for another ship at the end of the week"

"WHAT? Oooooh bummer (name). We were just getting to know each other!"

"I know. It's sad. But at least we have four more days, right?"

"What?"

"Nothing (killer smile that says I want you Michelle)."

AND there's another crew party tonight. involving swimsuits and beer. God help me (and him).

The next four days could be very interesting!

AN OLD MAN AND THE SEA

So on the sail away last week, there was an adorable old man sitting at the window watching the New York Harbor gliding past us. He was on the crusie with some of his kids celebrating his 87th birthday.

He was telling us a bunch of stories about growing up in the depression in Long Island, including how the " 'queers' used to offfer kids fifty cents to take off their pants." I didn't have the heart to tell him that "queers" and child molesters are not the same thing.

But after I left (I had my fill of smiling through his adorable racist comments), he said "tell that girl she's one of the prettiest women I've ever seen, but I don't give her any of the credit. I give it all to her mother."

Awwww....he compliments me AND my mother? Who doesn't love that?

SO later on that week....well let's just say, he got a special birthday present from this pretty woman. I showed up at his stateroom in blackface, wearing a thong, and holding fifty cents in my hand.

I (SEA) SPY

Because there are not a lot of things to do on the ship, sometimes the highlight of the day is a sighting. "I saw a turtle!" NO way. " Hey guys! I saw a shark swimming on the side of the ship today!" holy crap.

So, naturally, a game of "one upmanship of the seas" began. The temporary name for our game is "I (Sea) Spy."

We needed a point system, so we mapped out all the possibile sightings, and drew pictures of each one. We are working on a chart and everyone will have a magnet representing their current standings. Seriously. We are doing this. Don't be jealous, with your real lives and normal daily tasks.

This is what we know so far:

Flying fish are cool.

Turtle beats flying fish.

Shark sighting beats flying fish.

Dolphin beats shark.

Shark frenzy beats dolphin.

Dolphins doing tricks beats shark frenzy.

Mermaid or Naptune will kick everyone's ass, but since those are ficitonal creatures until proven real, I think I am winning:

Today I saw a pod (?) of dolphins- about 30 of them- swimming about 50 yards from the ship....they were not jumping out of the water, but they were coming up and then going down in groups. Like a nautical marching band. Awesome.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WORKING ON THE CRUISE SHIP

1.There is such a thing as "ship goggles."

2. Things I'm not allowed to do sound like more fun than they actually are. (gambling, bingo, humping passengers)

3. Just because it's a STARBUCKS doesn't mean it's cockroach free. (I wondered why the Banana-chip Frappucino was chunky).

4. One dollar beers don't make the crew bar fun. (so far the crew bar is only fun if you're Filipino, a smoker or a slutty dancer.

5. When the hot personal trainer tells you you're too fat to run, it feels like love.

6. When a stranger sneezes on me, my auto response is 'UGGGGHHHHHHH!" Loud enough to make both of us feel bad.

7. When you're getting questions from the audience, and some drunk bitch yells, "I have a question; when does the comedy show start?" Try not to choke yer

Cruise Blog #2

oooh.. I only have a few minutes before my internet card runs out.

Found the gym. I've been doing the treadmill every day. And the hot trainer (Australian, Bald. Hot.) gave me some tips. I am a bad asssssss. I have muscles in my legs I didn't know were there.

I bought Crocs. I'm sorry. I feel I've let you all down....but it's a necessity when you don't like showing your feet in public and your living room is the beach.

Hot crew men. Fun Crew parties. But mostly we're just hanging out as a cast. We have developed a game....but I will write more about that later (it will get its own blog). ALSO to come: the blog about the CREW LAUNDRY. GOOD GOD. wait for it.

I haven't been drinking that much, and the food intake has mellowed out a LOT. Thank god for salad and turkey sandwhiches.

Laptop still broken. Still working on it. Still whining about it.

I miss my friends. All of you.

I've started doing the morning pages again. Unblocking the creativity and writing some fun crap. I'll share soon. I promise.

Hearts and Farts and sand fleas. (YES. FOR REAL).

CRUISE BLOG #1

Uhm. So many things. So little time. I'm on a ship. We did some shows for 800 people at a time. We rocked. I'm having a blast. It is HOT. I am sweaty. I haven't found the gym yet, but I have found the 24 hour irish pub that serves the best burgers at 3am. It's the first week. I'm giving myself a break. There was a crew party last night. Met some awesome people (free beer!). There will be a "CREW SHOW" coming up, and I'm hoping to do some stand-up (the crew likes it dirty! yay!!!). Today, I spent about three hours bobbing in the ocean on the amazing island called Tortola.

My lap top broke...at a VERY interesting moment.

My TV doesn't work.

I can't charge my iPod (computer broken).

All of the possible distractions are broken or not available. Spending a lot of quality time with my head (it's like a party in there).

There is an internet cafe on the ship, which is awesome and a little pricey. But being able to do some actual writing and/or serious emaling (or posting pictures) is on hold for the moment. I'm gonna see if I can get the laptop fixed in NYC on port day. Even if I have to show some skin.

People on ships like to play ping pong and bingo like it's their job.

I promise I will have some good stories soon.