I HAD THE HOTTEST DREAM

mmmm. yeah.

I woke up this morning all warm and fuzzy; I knew I'd had a hot dream, but I couldn't remember the details.

Then I got in the shower... and slowly, slowly as I slathered body wash (slowly) all over my wet skin, I started to remember. Flashes through my brain. mmmm yeah. so hot.

I was in a Target, in the home improvement section, and randomly there was a bin of purses. Real leather! They were marked down because the security tags had made a hole, and some of them were starting to tear. I didn't care. Most of them were marked to 8.98, but I found one that was marked 6.98, and I switched the TAGS! effffff yeah...mmmm...so hot.

Then I took the purse to the checkout, and the target lady was like, "oh yeah?...." and she scanned it all slow, and I could see the hot jealousy in her eyes. She didn't even KNOW that I had switched the tags. I know she wanted to tear my eyes out, or make out with me. Or both. mmmm yeah.

It was dark purple leather. With a yellow lining. YELLOW, so I would be able to see my shit inside. mmmm yeah. give it to me! The strap was kind of short, but it was a hobo, so I knew that with stuff in it and the zipper undone, it would drape low enough that I could swing my elbow through and easlily glide it onto my hot, naked, wet soapy shoulder. mmmm yeah.

Thanks Target dream. I didn't know I was so into purses...being bad feels good. mmmm yeah.

Small enough to fit in your pocket, good enough to eat.

Small enough to fit in your pocket, good enough to eat.


Small Gravy Phone call

TWO CANDIDATES, ONE CUP

I saw this in the window of a Annapolis, Maryland store this weekend. Apparently, they are selling more Obama cups, which could mean Maryland is going to vote for Obama...but I have a sneaking suspicion that people are buying the cups for gross
viral videos. Two candidates, one cup.

BLAH 3- HANDS FREE THIS!

A new law just went into effect in California banning cell-phone use while driving unless you have a hand-free device. As of July 1st, you can get a $25 ticket if you get caught. It's cheaper to drive while using your phone than to park in Hollywood.

Last week, a friend of mine emailed me a website that will send you a FREE handsfree device for your phone www.freeheadset.org - you pay for shipping, so I decided to be proactive and get ready for this new law. I ordered a headset (oldschool style….with a CORD), and it cost me all of 4.00. YAY! It arrived in record time (3 days), and I was on my way. BUT it doesn't work! I can't hear anything the other person is saying, even if I have the volume turned all the way up. It's annoying. You pay $4.00 for something and you expect it to work, ya know? So in the mean time, I'm screwed. I can't use my phone in the car! I ordered another one yesterday, and it's in the mail….but last night, I was in.Santa Monica and I HAD to call someone. I was being a renegade, using my phone in the car, some guy behind me in a gigantic stupid SUV was flashing his lights at me. I was at a LIGHT! Stopped! So I held up my middle finger, and a note from the environment- "SUCK IT FROM BOTH OF US."

BLAH 2-Rediculous Names for Comedy Shows

I predict that there will be about 321 comedy shows starting in Los Angeles before the end of the year. Some of them will be amazing. Some will them will be horrible. Some will continue for years, and some will only appear for one glorious or embarrassing night. But regardless, they will ALL need a name. So, here's a list….need a penny? take a penny. Have a name? Leave a name.

Fart box
Colossal Comedy Dump
Spinner
Green Machine
Dos Twister
Komedikaze
Crackle pants
Squirmish
Dogs Hump
Showstopshere
Where you at?
Laugh court
Want some bologna?
Industry night
Jim's Package Store
Back Door Donuts
Six Dollar Burger
Get in here
Call Me
I wrote a screenplay
2 donkeys 1 cup
Digitalley
Black People ("I Love doing black people")
Snuff LIVE
The Show Was yesterday
Fuck you
Your Mom ("I'm going to do your mom tonight")
Hit Me
I have syphillus
dog n pony show
rinky dink show
we don't give a shit
I hate LA show
No Industry allowed
Free BBQ
Free Sex
AIDS test
Key Party
Reverse Cowgirl show
Leggo my comedy
schmooze me
on your way
My brother hates me
molestation show
A Dead Guy
Shit Storm
We Were on TV
BALL-E
Facebook Sucks
Everybody cries
Change your tampon
commedia ....del.... farte
comedy bastard
Barely legal
carte blanche
Tits and Bigots
Homophobes and beer
10,000 dollar pyramid
Friends
Give it Back
My Show

BLAH 1- PSYCHIC MISSED CONNECTIONS

I think I'm psychic. Last week, I had a dream about an old co-worker friend, and what I dreamed about her basically came true. In the dream, she was working at the company we both used to work for. A couple days later in real life, she got fired from her current job. SEE? I'm Psychic!

My psychic abilities are telling me that someone posted a "Missed Connection" about me on Craigslist. I don't even have to go looking for it- I know it's there. I'm PSYCHIC!

It says something like this:

It was the 4th of July. There were 20,000 people in the Rose Bowl, but all I saw was you. You looked so cute; you were wearing shorts- a bold move with your white legs, and Pasadena nights can be kind of breezy! I was sitting with my family, and I saw you coming up the stairs, walking a few steps behind a friend, and scanning the crowd for another friend who was saving your seats. I could tell by the look on your face that you were a little self conscious about those white legs, and those really STEEP stadium stairs. And that's why, when you tripped right in front of me, I immediately jumped up to help you, offering my hand and an "Are you okay??" My mother always taught me to be kind to strangers. It was really adorable the way you yelled "FUCK!" as your naked shins hit the edge of the concrete stairs. There were so many kids sitting around you, but you didn't care! Those kids thought they were just going to see a few marching bands and a wholesome American fireworks show, but thanks to you, they also got an American language lesson! You are an inspiration! Also, it was really endearing the way you didn't make eye contact with any of the five other people who collectively said, "OH NO!" and offered to help you up when you went down. You were putting up such a strong front, but I could see you biting back the tears.

It all happened so fast. You were up, you were down, you were bleeding and you were gone. I bet you found your seat, put a wet napkin on your wound and said "FUCK" at least a few more times that night (probably after the child in front of you elbowed your shin twice!)

I didn't even get your name. But I know that you are my kind of woman…. I would love to help you up the next time you take a digger in public. If you're interested email me back.

Signed,
"I want you on my jumbotron"

HALF-BLOGS- or BLAH if you will.

Hey guys…sorry it's been a while since I've written a blog- I'm having a hard time deciding what to write about. I'm SO indecisive! But I've been listening to the "New Earth" on CD, and I've decided that I should celebrate my indecisiveness…it is a sign that I am not imprisoned by my thoughts. I am OPEN to different ideas, and I'm not trapped into looking at things in one particular way. Life is not black and white for me….and if it is, wait five minutes and I'll change my mind (and my shirt).

So in honor of my newly-celebrated indecisiveness, here are a few of the half- blogs that I've been writing.

enjoy!