THOSE PORN STAR NEIGHBORS!
*musical vamp*
On today's episode of "THOSE PORN STAR NEIGHBORS", Michelle is woken up by the shrill voice of her porn star neighbor screaming, "CALL THE POLICE. CALL THE POLICE NOW!!!!" What's a holiday weekend without a fight between porn star's boyfriend and husband? Luckily, this time, there doesn't seem to be any danger for the porn star or her son. But boy is it loud when two grown men fight!
Once the cops show up, Michelle can't go back to sleep, because the Burbank police officers are too HOT! Yeeeow.
Will the husband get into a fight with the guy in the Volvo who comes over every day for a couple hours? Will Michelle call the police for no reason just to see them again? Tune in Next Week! Or later today. Or at 4 am tomorrow. Or in repeats after sweeps.
"THOSE PORN STAR NEIGHBORS" is always on.
*musical vamp*
Friday, November 28, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
WHAT I'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK
WHAT I’VE LEARNED THIS WEEK
1. The ratio of "jobs applied for" and "responses received" is 200:1
2. I wish "Donna" was related to me, because I really like her sweet potato pie.
3. I enjoy dogs and babies only if they are mine.
4. I need a bailout.
5. When shopping for a man's dress shirt (to wear to my new catering job), I have to pretend I have a huge neck so the shirt will button around my tit-shelf.
6. In addition to helping you cheat on your spouse, the internet is an excellent teaching tool- I used to to learn how to tie a full windsor!
7. I can do amazing things with a veggie burger.
8. I can collage the shit out of a box of matches.
9. PBR is cheap, no matter what city you are in.
10. Sometimes, when you delete someone, they don't notice for 6 months.
11. When taking a comedy class, try to stay away from topics like "cancer" and "death"
12. I am in year 5 of a 9 year cycle. And my life path number is a 7. If I just knew what that meant...
13. Sometimes, the universe sends you a message in the form of a missed phone call.
14. Daylight savings time is cock-blocking my exercise routine.
15. Being a "Real Housewife" on Bravo is not the same as being a "Real Person."
16. I do not care about Vampire movies OR flat screen TVs.
17. People who live in LA need to go "home" or "away" periodically to stay sane.
18. The free hotdogs at the White Horse are Chicken and Turkey, no pig.
1. The ratio of "jobs applied for" and "responses received" is 200:1
2. I wish "Donna" was related to me, because I really like her sweet potato pie.
3. I enjoy dogs and babies only if they are mine.
4. I need a bailout.
5. When shopping for a man's dress shirt (to wear to my new catering job), I have to pretend I have a huge neck so the shirt will button around my tit-shelf.
6. In addition to helping you cheat on your spouse, the internet is an excellent teaching tool- I used to to learn how to tie a full windsor!
7. I can do amazing things with a veggie burger.
8. I can collage the shit out of a box of matches.
9. PBR is cheap, no matter what city you are in.
10. Sometimes, when you delete someone, they don't notice for 6 months.
11. When taking a comedy class, try to stay away from topics like "cancer" and "death"
12. I am in year 5 of a 9 year cycle. And my life path number is a 7. If I just knew what that meant...
13. Sometimes, the universe sends you a message in the form of a missed phone call.
14. Daylight savings time is cock-blocking my exercise routine.
15. Being a "Real Housewife" on Bravo is not the same as being a "Real Person."
16. I do not care about Vampire movies OR flat screen TVs.
17. People who live in LA need to go "home" or "away" periodically to stay sane.
18. The free hotdogs at the White Horse are Chicken and Turkey, no pig.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
I HAD A DREAM
I had a dream.
Not the profound, Martin Luther King, Jr. kind...just your run-of-the-mill, "DOES NOT MAKE SENSE" weird dream….I've had a couple weird ones lately.
The first one involved my porn-star neighbor singing Karaoke at some bar. People were making fun of her and I came to her defense. "HEY guys! Quit being mean! She has a right to sing just as much as you do. Even if her boobs are 'elephant-man-freakish' and you can't stop staring at them! Just let her sing!"
Then later, I was onstage singing. As a gesture of gratitude, she appeared with two jars in her hands- one jar of peanut butter, and one jar of mayonnaise. She opened the jars, stuck one finger in each jar, and wiped peanut butter in one of my ears, and mayonnaise in the other ear. THEN she licked both of my ears clean (because assumingly, she is good at that). I don't know WHERE she got the two jars- maybe she just carries them with her all the time? I was terrified, because A) we were still onstage, and B) I am pretty sure it was being filmed, and I was afraid this lesbian lick-fest would affect my ability to stay straight. I'm telling you, even though I hate the smell of mayo, it was nice. Afterwards, not sure what she was gonna do next, I said in a shaky voice, "I'm your neighbor." And she just smiled and said, "I know."
And that was it! Does that mean I'm a lesbian? Probably not. Does it mean I need to buy more Q-tips? Maybe. Does it mean I should actually talk to my neighbor instead of just staring in awe at her boobs every time she goes outside? No….because for the record, you cannot HELP it. They were volleyballs in another life, no shit.
I'm not exactly sure what it means. It's been on my mind for a few days…but then last night, I had another dream. This one was more of a nightmare- I was in Denver on a Tuesday and I forgot to go to the Squire open mic! I was devastated. How could I be so stupid!? My favorite show in Denver…the one with all the cute boys! I literally woke up sick to my stomach. It took a few minutes for the grief to settle before I came out of the morning fog, and it hit me. It was JUST A DREAM! I would never miss the Squire! Just a silly, silly dream! It doesn't mean anything! Dreams don't mean anything!!
WOO HOOO!!!
I can still date men!
Not the profound, Martin Luther King, Jr. kind...just your run-of-the-mill, "DOES NOT MAKE SENSE" weird dream….I've had a couple weird ones lately.
The first one involved my porn-star neighbor singing Karaoke at some bar. People were making fun of her and I came to her defense. "HEY guys! Quit being mean! She has a right to sing just as much as you do. Even if her boobs are 'elephant-man-freakish' and you can't stop staring at them! Just let her sing!"
Then later, I was onstage singing. As a gesture of gratitude, she appeared with two jars in her hands- one jar of peanut butter, and one jar of mayonnaise. She opened the jars, stuck one finger in each jar, and wiped peanut butter in one of my ears, and mayonnaise in the other ear. THEN she licked both of my ears clean (because assumingly, she is good at that). I don't know WHERE she got the two jars- maybe she just carries them with her all the time? I was terrified, because A) we were still onstage, and B) I am pretty sure it was being filmed, and I was afraid this lesbian lick-fest would affect my ability to stay straight. I'm telling you, even though I hate the smell of mayo, it was nice. Afterwards, not sure what she was gonna do next, I said in a shaky voice, "I'm your neighbor." And she just smiled and said, "I know."
And that was it! Does that mean I'm a lesbian? Probably not. Does it mean I need to buy more Q-tips? Maybe. Does it mean I should actually talk to my neighbor instead of just staring in awe at her boobs every time she goes outside? No….because for the record, you cannot HELP it. They were volleyballs in another life, no shit.
I'm not exactly sure what it means. It's been on my mind for a few days…but then last night, I had another dream. This one was more of a nightmare- I was in Denver on a Tuesday and I forgot to go to the Squire open mic! I was devastated. How could I be so stupid!? My favorite show in Denver…the one with all the cute boys! I literally woke up sick to my stomach. It took a few minutes for the grief to settle before I came out of the morning fog, and it hit me. It was JUST A DREAM! I would never miss the Squire! Just a silly, silly dream! It doesn't mean anything! Dreams don't mean anything!!
WOO HOOO!!!
I can still date men!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
NIGHTMARE AT THE POLLING PLACE
NIGHTMARE AT THE POLLING PLACE
HAPPY VOTING DAY EVERYONE!
I had to walk three whole blocks to my polling place- The Little White Church in Burbank, so it's called. In addition to a normal sized sanctuary, this "Little White Church" also has a gym, an office that looked more like a ticket window ("Step right up! Get your tickets to the God show!"), a crib room (gross), a Fellowship Hall (the room where pot lucks are neither organized or enjoyed), a rose garden, a long hallway of classrooms, a library (shouldn't there only be one book??), and a mysterious staircase leading to a second floor, or maybe it was heaven. I wasn't sure because the lightbulb didn't work.
Despite the misleading name, it was a nice place. Enough wood pannelling to choke the '70s, but still....nice enough. The line wasn't very long, and there were NO women in line. At first I thought that was odd, but then I forgot about it, because I remembered that the Biggest Loser is on tonight. YAY!
As I walked to the end of the line thinking about what I was going to eat while watching TV later, I was stoned. I mean people starting throwing stones at me! A man literally spit on me as I walked by, and when I got to the front of the line, another man ripped up my ballot in my face while all the volunteers yelled "BLEEDER!" and "WITCH!" It was incredibly scary.
Just kidding. I was surrounded by nice, intelligent people. (well, unless you count the meth-head lady who would not shut up about how she needs to get in and out in 20 minutes because she has kids counting on her to be there on time). YIKES. But for the most part, people smiled, laughed, and were generally in a good mood. They felt like they had a voice!
There were mostly women in line. I guess a lot of the men were at home watching football? Several of the women were on cell phones, bluetooths, (teeth?), and blackberrys, conducting BUSINESS, making plans, getting shit done. There was a lovely old man and woman in matching red windbreakers, holding hands. The man helped his frail wife sign her name, seal her drop-off ballot before they walked home, hand in hand. The feminist in me was screaming, "LICK YOUR OWN ENVELOPE LADY!" but it was still pretty cute.
And after I successfuly ink-blotted my way through the ballot, I got my sticker and walked out, head held high. I voted! I hope I marked the right things....
I thought about all the people that don't vote, because they don't think their vote counts. And that made me sad. Everyone should vote, because above all else, it is FUN! I got to take a morning walk, see the inside of a church, listen to people's phone conversations, see what REAL love (and matching windbreakers) looks like, get a sticker, AND I got to be late to work! It was pretty cool!
And to top it all off, on my walk back home, I saw a man walking a Chihuahua with an American flag hankerchief around its neck. I KNOW!
Even the dog is proud to be an American today. I just hope he marked the right things....
HAPPY VOTING DAY EVERYONE!
I had to walk three whole blocks to my polling place- The Little White Church in Burbank, so it's called. In addition to a normal sized sanctuary, this "Little White Church" also has a gym, an office that looked more like a ticket window ("Step right up! Get your tickets to the God show!"), a crib room (gross), a Fellowship Hall (the room where pot lucks are neither organized or enjoyed), a rose garden, a long hallway of classrooms, a library (shouldn't there only be one book??), and a mysterious staircase leading to a second floor, or maybe it was heaven. I wasn't sure because the lightbulb didn't work.
Despite the misleading name, it was a nice place. Enough wood pannelling to choke the '70s, but still....nice enough. The line wasn't very long, and there were NO women in line. At first I thought that was odd, but then I forgot about it, because I remembered that the Biggest Loser is on tonight. YAY!
As I walked to the end of the line thinking about what I was going to eat while watching TV later, I was stoned. I mean people starting throwing stones at me! A man literally spit on me as I walked by, and when I got to the front of the line, another man ripped up my ballot in my face while all the volunteers yelled "BLEEDER!" and "WITCH!" It was incredibly scary.
Just kidding. I was surrounded by nice, intelligent people. (well, unless you count the meth-head lady who would not shut up about how she needs to get in and out in 20 minutes because she has kids counting on her to be there on time). YIKES. But for the most part, people smiled, laughed, and were generally in a good mood. They felt like they had a voice!
There were mostly women in line. I guess a lot of the men were at home watching football? Several of the women were on cell phones, bluetooths, (teeth?), and blackberrys, conducting BUSINESS, making plans, getting shit done. There was a lovely old man and woman in matching red windbreakers, holding hands. The man helped his frail wife sign her name, seal her drop-off ballot before they walked home, hand in hand. The feminist in me was screaming, "LICK YOUR OWN ENVELOPE LADY!" but it was still pretty cute.
And after I successfuly ink-blotted my way through the ballot, I got my sticker and walked out, head held high. I voted! I hope I marked the right things....
I thought about all the people that don't vote, because they don't think their vote counts. And that made me sad. Everyone should vote, because above all else, it is FUN! I got to take a morning walk, see the inside of a church, listen to people's phone conversations, see what REAL love (and matching windbreakers) looks like, get a sticker, AND I got to be late to work! It was pretty cool!
And to top it all off, on my walk back home, I saw a man walking a Chihuahua with an American flag hankerchief around its neck. I KNOW!
Even the dog is proud to be an American today. I just hope he marked the right things....
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