I HAD A DREAM

I had a dream.

Not the profound, Martin Luther King, Jr. kind...just your run-of-the-mill, "DOES NOT MAKE SENSE" weird dream….I've had a couple weird ones lately.

The first one involved my porn-star neighbor singing Karaoke at some bar. People were making fun of her and I came to her defense. "HEY guys! Quit being mean! She has a right to sing just as much as you do. Even if her boobs are 'elephant-man-freakish' and you can't stop staring at them! Just let her sing!"

Then later, I was onstage singing. As a gesture of gratitude, she appeared with two jars in her hands- one jar of peanut butter, and one jar of mayonnaise. She opened the jars, stuck one finger in each jar, and wiped peanut butter in one of my ears, and mayonnaise in the other ear. THEN she licked both of my ears clean (because assumingly, she is good at that). I don't know WHERE she got the two jars- maybe she just carries them with her all the time? I was terrified, because A) we were still onstage, and B) I am pretty sure it was being filmed, and I was afraid this lesbian lick-fest would affect my ability to stay straight. I'm telling you, even though I hate the smell of mayo, it was nice. Afterwards, not sure what she was gonna do next, I said in a shaky voice, "I'm your neighbor." And she just smiled and said, "I know."

And that was it! Does that mean I'm a lesbian? Probably not. Does it mean I need to buy more Q-tips? Maybe. Does it mean I should actually talk to my neighbor instead of just staring in awe at her boobs every time she goes outside? No….because for the record, you cannot HELP it. They were volleyballs in another life, no shit.

I'm not exactly sure what it means. It's been on my mind for a few days…but then last night, I had another dream. This one was more of a nightmare- I was in Denver on a Tuesday and I forgot to go to the Squire open mic! I was devastated. How could I be so stupid!? My favorite show in Denver…the one with all the cute boys! I literally woke up sick to my stomach. It took a few minutes for the grief to settle before I came out of the morning fog, and it hit me. It was JUST A DREAM! I would never miss the Squire! Just a silly, silly dream! It doesn't mean anything! Dreams don't mean anything!!

WOO HOOO!!!

I can still date men!