STORY NUMBER 2

STORY NUMBER 2

This is not a story about Number 2 (sorry if you're disappointed)- it's the second part of the previous blog.

2. THE DEATH OF MY FAVORITE JEANS

So, after applying for about 200 full-time "big girl" jobs for the past two months, I finally got two new jobs, both of which are temporary for the holidays. So currently I have three jobs (LIVING THE DREAM, people!) I'm doing random catering gigs for fancy people's house parties, and for the next couple weeks, I'm delivering cookie baskets to the entertainment industry. When people in this town wanna say "THANKS for your business," they do it with a basket of cookies. Or a box, a sleigh, a beautiful hand-blown glass bowl...but everything has a freakin' balloon on it, which makes driving without a horn VERY dangerous (SEE PREVIOUS BLOG AND QUIT ASKING QUESTIONS).

So, back to the jeans. Yesterday- no wait, we need to go back to Sunday night when I twisted my ankle at the ATM at my local "Danger-ton Mutual." I went down, heard a snap (like you do when you've torn more ligaments and broken more ankles than God). What? Anyway, it hurt like a bitch. And in the midst of the sudden violent motion of my fall, I *might* have ripped my jeans a little. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself.

On day 1 of my new cookie job, I made 6 deliveries- one place got 32 boxes of cookies, which involved several trips between my car and the mail room (limping past the security guard who noticed and generously let me park in the loading zone. Jesus I am wordy. ANYWAY, the point being I had gotten in and out of my car several times that morning. Shifting, sliding, shoving slips of paper into my back pockets, etc.

On my LAST delivery of the morning, I got out of the car in front of a group of three guys- they were hanging out in front of a U-Haul store hoping to find work for the day. They approached me, thinking I had stopped because I wanted to hire them. "No, sorry guys, I'm just going into that other building to deliver this enormous basket of Schmooze." They say okay, we exchange smiles, I walk past them. I come out a couple minutes later, and they approach me again, smiling even bigger now, almost embarassed.

I think, "uh-oh, they talked about me when I was inside, and now one of them is gonna hit on me or say something really offensive, and I'm gonna have to turn him down in front of his friends or say something mean like, "I'm not your BABY" or "Do you kiss your mother with that mouth!?"

But instead, this happens:

All three guys are smiling, and "mouthpiece" guy (or the guy who got the short stick?) comes toward me and says, "Excuse me, mam. I need to tell you something."

I'm thinking "I'm married, I'm gay, I'm busy, no thanks, you're very kind, fuck off, etc".

"I need to tell you that...your pants....your pants (grabs at his pants by the belt, shaking them up and down) it's ripped.

Guy turns red, other guys smirking and avoiding eye contact.

It took a second to register what he was talking about (his flirting is weird!) but I put my hand on my butt, and GUESS what? I felt my bare ass! Because he was right! My jeans were ripped. I was wearing the same jeans as the night before when I fell. Don't judge me- I used Febreeze.

Maybe they were a little ripped the night before and this last "in and out of the car" maneuver sealed the deal. Or maybe my ass was hanging out all morning, for every delivery and I just didn't feel the breeze! "Can you sign here? Thanks....happy holidays Bye!!" (and by the way, now you can laugh with your coworkers alllll day long because the last thing you saw was my ass!)

I can't be sure. All I know is that there was an equal amount of mortification and respect between me and that guy. He got stuck with telling me. But I was the one with the ass hanging out. Hats off to you, sir. And it's okay if you laughed about me all day long. After I went home and changed my pants, I laughed a lot too.

THIS is the kind of milk I like to serve with my cookies!

TWO THINGS ARE DEAD

TWO THINGS ARE DEAD

1. My Horn.

2. My Favorite Jeans

In the story of number one- Last Monday night, I was sound asleep and dreaming, and in my dream there was a nice soft tone playing- maybe someone was serenading me with one-note from a trumpet? Maybe it was someone singing an extended whole note of a beautiful Christmas Carol.....I wasn't sure.

Then I started to wake up a little, and I realized the sound was REAL, and coming from inside the house. I got up, stumbled into the hallway (was it the fire alarm?? Are we gonna die??) NO. Not the fire alarm. Waking up a little more by now....go toward the front door, open it and realize the sound is coming from outside...a fire truck? A Tornado drill? NO, It's coming from my driveway. And it's my CAR HORN. ONE NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTE continuously HONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNKING, right outside my neighbor's bedroom window. I panic. I'm in my pajamas, outside by this point, with no keys. Ran back inside, found the keys, ran outside and opened the car door. I didn't know what to do, so I just started banging on the steering wheel, and the horn stopped. AHHHHHH. silence. So awesome.

After my roomate and I exchanged a few "What the fuck????s" I stumbled back into the house. It was 3:30am-I crawled back into bed, enjoyed a little chuckle at the sheer volume of my horn and how my neighbors must have shit their pants in their dreams, and fell back asleep.

I completely forgot that this happened. Until Tuesday night at 1:30 am. HONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNK.

I bolted up out of bed, ran outside (WITH my keys this time) and did the "hit the horn until it stops" move. This time it was NOT funny at all.

I went to a mechanic the next morning and asked them to fix it. Apparently my horn is wired alongside the airbags, so instead of dealing with that, I just took out the fuse.

So now my horn is dead, and I am sad. because I really love honking at people.

Now my horn sounds like this:

" "

********************************

The story of number 2 will have to wait until I can upload a picture, because I want you to have the full effect.

THOSE PORN STAR NEIGHBORS!

THOSE PORN STAR NEIGHBORS!

*musical vamp*

On today's episode of "THOSE PORN STAR NEIGHBORS", Michelle is woken up by the shrill voice of her porn star neighbor screaming, "CALL THE POLICE. CALL THE POLICE NOW!!!!" What's a holiday weekend without a fight between porn star's boyfriend and husband? Luckily, this time, there doesn't seem to be any danger for the porn star or her son. But boy is it loud when two grown men fight!

Once the cops show up, Michelle can't go back to sleep, because the Burbank police officers are too HOT! Yeeeow.

Will the husband get into a fight with the guy in the Volvo who comes over every day for a couple hours? Will Michelle call the police for no reason just to see them again? Tune in Next Week! Or later today. Or at 4 am tomorrow. Or in repeats after sweeps.

"THOSE PORN STAR NEIGHBORS" is always on.

*musical vamp*

WHAT I'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

WHAT I’VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

1. The ratio of "jobs applied for" and "responses received" is 200:1

2. I wish "Donna" was related to me, because I really like her sweet potato pie.

3. I enjoy dogs and babies only if they are mine.

4. I need a bailout.

5. When shopping for a man's dress shirt (to wear to my new catering job), I have to pretend I have a huge neck so the shirt will button around my tit-shelf.

6. In addition to helping you cheat on your spouse, the internet is an excellent teaching tool- I used to to learn how to tie a full windsor!

7. I can do amazing things with a veggie burger.

8. I can collage the shit out of a box of matches.

9. PBR is cheap, no matter what city you are in.

10. Sometimes, when you delete someone, they don't notice for 6 months.

11. When taking a comedy class, try to stay away from topics like "cancer" and "death"

12. I am in year 5 of a 9 year cycle. And my life path number is a 7. If I just knew what that meant...

13. Sometimes, the universe sends you a message in the form of a missed phone call.

14. Daylight savings time is cock-blocking my exercise routine.

15. Being a "Real Housewife" on Bravo is not the same as being a "Real Person."

16. I do not care about Vampire movies OR flat screen TVs.

17. People who live in LA need to go "home" or "away" periodically to stay sane.

18. The free hotdogs at the White Horse are Chicken and Turkey, no pig.

I HAD A DREAM

I had a dream.

Not the profound, Martin Luther King, Jr. kind...just your run-of-the-mill, "DOES NOT MAKE SENSE" weird dream….I've had a couple weird ones lately.

The first one involved my porn-star neighbor singing Karaoke at some bar. People were making fun of her and I came to her defense. "HEY guys! Quit being mean! She has a right to sing just as much as you do. Even if her boobs are 'elephant-man-freakish' and you can't stop staring at them! Just let her sing!"

Then later, I was onstage singing. As a gesture of gratitude, she appeared with two jars in her hands- one jar of peanut butter, and one jar of mayonnaise. She opened the jars, stuck one finger in each jar, and wiped peanut butter in one of my ears, and mayonnaise in the other ear. THEN she licked both of my ears clean (because assumingly, she is good at that). I don't know WHERE she got the two jars- maybe she just carries them with her all the time? I was terrified, because A) we were still onstage, and B) I am pretty sure it was being filmed, and I was afraid this lesbian lick-fest would affect my ability to stay straight. I'm telling you, even though I hate the smell of mayo, it was nice. Afterwards, not sure what she was gonna do next, I said in a shaky voice, "I'm your neighbor." And she just smiled and said, "I know."

And that was it! Does that mean I'm a lesbian? Probably not. Does it mean I need to buy more Q-tips? Maybe. Does it mean I should actually talk to my neighbor instead of just staring in awe at her boobs every time she goes outside? No….because for the record, you cannot HELP it. They were volleyballs in another life, no shit.

I'm not exactly sure what it means. It's been on my mind for a few days…but then last night, I had another dream. This one was more of a nightmare- I was in Denver on a Tuesday and I forgot to go to the Squire open mic! I was devastated. How could I be so stupid!? My favorite show in Denver…the one with all the cute boys! I literally woke up sick to my stomach. It took a few minutes for the grief to settle before I came out of the morning fog, and it hit me. It was JUST A DREAM! I would never miss the Squire! Just a silly, silly dream! It doesn't mean anything! Dreams don't mean anything!!

WOO HOOO!!!

I can still date men!

NIGHTMARE AT THE POLLING PLACE

NIGHTMARE AT THE POLLING PLACE

HAPPY VOTING DAY EVERYONE!

I had to walk three whole blocks to my polling place- The Little White Church in Burbank, so it's called. In addition to a normal sized sanctuary, this "Little White Church" also has a gym, an office that looked more like a ticket window ("Step right up! Get your tickets to the God show!"), a crib room (gross), a Fellowship Hall (the room where pot lucks are neither organized or enjoyed), a rose garden, a long hallway of classrooms, a library (shouldn't there only be one book??), and a mysterious staircase leading to a second floor, or maybe it was heaven. I wasn't sure because the lightbulb didn't work.

Despite the misleading name, it was a nice place. Enough wood pannelling to choke the '70s, but still....nice enough. The line wasn't very long, and there were NO women in line. At first I thought that was odd, but then I forgot about it, because I remembered that the Biggest Loser is on tonight. YAY!

As I walked to the end of the line thinking about what I was going to eat while watching TV later, I was stoned. I mean people starting throwing stones at me! A man literally spit on me as I walked by, and when I got to the front of the line, another man ripped up my ballot in my face while all the volunteers yelled "BLEEDER!" and "WITCH!" It was incredibly scary.

Just kidding. I was surrounded by nice, intelligent people. (well, unless you count the meth-head lady who would not shut up about how she needs to get in and out in 20 minutes because she has kids counting on her to be there on time). YIKES. But for the most part, people smiled, laughed, and were generally in a good mood. They felt like they had a voice!

There were mostly women in line. I guess a lot of the men were at home watching football? Several of the women were on cell phones, bluetooths, (teeth?), and blackberrys, conducting BUSINESS, making plans, getting shit done. There was a lovely old man and woman in matching red windbreakers, holding hands. The man helped his frail wife sign her name, seal her drop-off ballot before they walked home, hand in hand. The feminist in me was screaming, "LICK YOUR OWN ENVELOPE LADY!" but it was still pretty cute.

And after I successfuly ink-blotted my way through the ballot, I got my sticker and walked out, head held high. I voted! I hope I marked the right things....

I thought about all the people that don't vote, because they don't think their vote counts. And that made me sad. Everyone should vote, because above all else, it is FUN! I got to take a morning walk, see the inside of a church, listen to people's phone conversations, see what REAL love (and matching windbreakers) looks like, get a sticker, AND I got to be late to work! It was pretty cool!

And to top it all off, on my walk back home, I saw a man walking a Chihuahua with an American flag hankerchief around its neck. I KNOW!

Even the dog is proud to be an American today. I just hope he marked the right things....

Use Your Words

Use Your Words




Here's a sketch I co-wrote for my Groundlings Writing Lab. Enjoy....

WHAT I'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

WHAT I’VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

What I've learned this week:

1. I'm losing friends from Myspace. People keep disappearing from my Friends List. Are they disappearing from real life too? Did their husbands take them in a fishing boat and dump their bodies in a lake? Did they flee to Mexico because they were featured in a "To Catch a Predator" report? Were they appalled at the porn/cartoon promo I sent out in a mass email this week? Who knows. But it hurts.
2. I tried to change my signature yesterday. I was signing an "official letter" to a mucky muck type person, and I realized I hate the way I sign my own name. SO, I practiced a new one for about an hour. See....I've always been indecisive. When I was younger, just learning how to sign my name in cursive, I could NOT decide which way to do it. I would do it one way for a few months, with certain "A"s, and a different loop in the "L"...then I would change it to be a different angle, or a different height on the H's and the M's. But yesterday, it hit me. If I can't decide which way to sign my name, which is a pretty basic expression of myself, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!? It could mean that I am truly an artist, unable to confine my creativity to one "style," or maybe it just means I'm gay.

(sidenote: I am indecisive about other stuff too. Like no donuts or three?)

3. I know WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY too many Libras. My dad, my ex-husband, my ex-boyfriend, and about 20 friends. Weird. I love them. I probably shouldn't date them. Especially my dad. That would be gross. Mostly because he's dead.

4. I am a high-maintenance friend. Come to my show! Come to my other show! It's okay if you can't come to this one, there will be another one in two days! You'll get an email! I think it's time to get my Road Manager Jerry back, so he can do the dirty work. And people are always asking about him anyway.

5. When you burn the VERY tip of your finger....the skin gets really weird right there. I might have join the circus. LIZARD FINGER LADY!

6. I need to cash out my IRA to pay my bills. And that might be a bad idea, considering I won't get as much money as I would have 6 months ago, or as much as I would if I waited a few months. And maybe I will personally hurt the economy by pulling out my real money. BUT even though I don't really understand what the bailout is, I am not running for office. And I definitely know what newspapers I read. Palin, you can suck a (blue, newspapery) bag of dicks.

7. I passed my Groundlings Lab. Yay! And more importantly, I made a bunch of new funny friends. Double yay!

8. The girl on the cover of the October issue of Playboy looks like she has dirt on her *PANTY ZONE* Come on Playboy. Maybe if you had a better editor, you wouldn't be going under.

9. The Biggest Loser makes me cry. And I love watching it while I'm eating. It's my little "eff you!" to reality TV.

10. Chris Parnell makes me laugh even when he's sweating. I saw him walking around Silverlake the other day. I love him. Not in the psycho "go to his house and wait in the bushes" way. More like the "laugh at him after he walks past you" way. He's funny.

GIRLIE HAIKUS

Girlie Haikus

Every Month, we write Haikus at Small Gravy. They are small poems, and we cover them in Gravy.

Last Night, Amber Tozer and I performed our girl-slanted Haikus, and she also posted them in her blog, because we are twins. Look hers up. They are funny too.

Here are mine. Enjoy!

My Boobs Hurt Real Bad
Seven Eleven
You are my God and Saviour
PMS Food: YUM.

ALASKA'S SCORE
Hockey Mom done good
Raised a 1st Class Child Ho Bag.
Baby Makes a GOAL!

GREEN GIRL
Bottles, Paper, Cans
I recycle one more thing-
Ex-boyfriends; Uh-Oh.

PHAT JOKES

PHAT JOKES

So there's a lot of BIG GIRL energy going on in my life right now. First, I co-wrote a sketch for my Groundling Lab class...it's about a woman who's struggling with her weight...her husband ate her peach(one of her few healthy treats), and she blows up. It's a funny sketch.

And the other day, I almost got to do a part on a web series that is getting a lot of buzz....but the jist of the scene was that some guy got stuck with the "fat chick." Always HILARIOUS right? Luckily, I voiced my concern...and the guys actually changed the scene. They understood how it might come off, and so they re-wrote it. Of course, they also wrote me OUT of the episode completely (which I didn't find out until I drove all the way to Santa Monica. Oops!) ...so that was a bummer, BUT let's call it a victory, because now there will be one less fat joke on the internet.

But then last night, I saw that some guy posted a comment about me being fat and homely on www.bitterlawyer.com (Living the Dream episode 6 -YALE). Homely? That hurts.

And THEN I got a casting notice from some Comedy Central show... they send you specific notices based on your profile...and this was the listing:

"OBESE WOMAN NEEDED TO APPEAR IN A SKETCH COMEDY SHOW WITH SHIRT OFF, WEARING BRA."

REALLY? SERIOUSLY? Okay, Universe. I hear you! I'm going to the fucking gym! Get off me already.

Yeah, I'm gonna start going to the gym. For realz. But first, I'm probably gonna submit my headshot for that show. Because hey, it's Comedy Central. And I figure as long as the universe is shoving my phatness down my throat, maybe I should get paid for it.

Who's a hypocrite? Come on, raise your hands with me!

WHAT I’VE LEARNED THIS SUMMER

WHAT I’VE LEARNED THIS SUMMER

I have been in LA for two years. BUT this has been my first full summer here. How does that happen, you ask? Well, I moved out here at the end of August, and last year I was on a ship the whole summer. So at the end of my first whole summer in LA, I can honestly say: what's the big deal?

I didn't do anything special over the past three months. I had a summer fling (just like Grease!), but that's over now. Danny Zuko moved to Portland. I went to the beach once with my niece and her family, I drove down to Newport, went hiking a few times, and had a couple BBQs. I did go to the Rose Bowl for the 4th of July, but I didn't really do anything amazing. Unlike last summer, (the summer of skin) where I was living in beachy tropical locations for four months, this summer I didn't get into a pool or go into the ocean at all. But I'm not sad that I didn't do more summer-y things....because hey, guess what? IT'S SUMMER ALL YEAR ROUND HERE PEOPLE!

What is concerning to me, however, is that two days ago, I uttered the following words and I instantly saw my life flash before my eyes:

"You just can't find good produce lately."

WHAAAAATTTTT THE EFFFF??? Who am I?

I puked in my mouth a little. And after that "scared straight" moment, I quickly went to a bar with friends from work, and later I went to a comedy show on a rooftop downtown, and then to a house party where there was string cheese in a bowl next to the beer....

WHEEWWWWWW! CLOSE CALL!

Michelle: 1, Adulthood: 0

Speaking of adulthood, I had a weird experience the other night. After having a few mixed drinks with diet coke, I woke up at 4:45 am, and my heart was POUNDING like crazy. I couldn't catch my breath, I had to get up walk around, get some water, and stare at the ceiling for 40 minutes before I could finally get back to sleep. Caffeine overload? Who knows...but it was scary.

It could have been an anxiety attack. I'm taking a class right now at the Groundlings (The Writing Lab), and it just turned into a slightly abusive boyfriend. It's challenging and stressful, but in a good way. We have a show coming up in a couple weeks, and it's scary, but I'm really looking forward to it. My class is full of funny mofos. I can't wait to see what kind of stuff we put together.

In other news, I had an audition the other day for a part that was described as "upper crust lady" on the breakdown...and when I went in, they told me it was changed to "Back woods-y lady" right as I was about to start. I think what I gave them came off more "Upper woods-y." It was fun to audition again though...and I made them laugh, so who cares!

I heart you all,

Upper Woods-y Miracle

I'll Be OKAY

Small Gravy Aug 27

Michelle Miracle | MySpace Video

WHAT’S COOKIN?

What's Cooking in my life, you ask?

1. No more lizards in my kitchen. Just plenty of bugs because there's a hole in the screen. Gross.

2. I am OLYMPIC CRAZY. I have never watched so much Olympic coverage in all of my 23 years. But I love it!

3.Career wise-I have been working on my voice-over demos, I got some new headshots taken, I'm doing a one-woman show (that I haven't written yet!) at the end of September with two other funny ladies, and I'm taking a writing class at the Groundlings. I also recently got back on the stand-up train after a self-imposed haitus, and we have another Small Gravy show coming up next week. It is about to get REAL, ya'll. As in real busy.

4. I am glad I will be busy, because I *might* not have time to be sad.

5. I haven't been to a Target or bought groceries in almost two weeks. Don't call it self-control...let's call it POOR. I really need some conditioner, guys! But don't worry- I'm not gonna starve. I'm being pretty creative with the stuff in the pantry and freezer. Veggie burger and a can of beans? Grilled cheese and frozen vegetables? Two meatballs and 1/2 cup of forgotten pasta from the back of the pantry?? BRING IT ON!

6. I saw Guy Pierce at The Waffle today. Someone had to tell me who it was...I wouldn't have recognized him. He was unshowered (like the rest of us), scruffy, and he was wearing big-rimmed glasses. I wanted to ask him to explain Momento...but I was too busy asking my breakfast for an autograph. HOLY yum.

7. Going away parties are right up there on the SUCK LIST with Baby Showers. They're both disguised as celebrations, both are full of gifts and hugs, and with one there's a cute baby involved...but they both translate into "Things will never be the same." BOOOOOOOO.

8. I've gotta go work on my floor routine. Those judges are dicks.

USA! USA! USA! USA! HOT GUYS IN SPEEDOS! USA! USA!

WTF is in my kitchen?

I just found a little lizzard in my kitchen. WTF? I thought those things only lived behind glass at the zoo, or on the outside wall of your hotel in Mexico.

I was sitting in the kitchen...and I heard some rustling by the giant bag of dog food.

Then I saw it, moving like 50 miles an hour across the floor, and a sound came out of me that can only be described as ENDEARING.

I thought- What do you do with a lizard??? How do I get it out of here? JAR? Paper towel? Glass?? It's not like it's a spider. It has a BODY!

In case you're wondering, it was about this long:

[----------------------------------]

Small, but freaky when it's coming at you at 50 miles an hour. And all I could think was "If I don't get this fucker out of here, it's gonna end up in my bed or in my underwear drawer."

I somehow convinced him to run into a ziplock baggie, and then I introduced him to my beautiful Burbank yard. I hope he's okay.

I hope I didn't seperate him from his family of lizards living in our cabinets, or in the bag of dog food.

I hope a mother lizard doesn't come attack me in my sleep for taking her baby away.

Maybe he'll come back when he is older just to say hello and thank you for saving his life.

You're welcome, you cute little bastard. Now get the effffff away from me!

I HAD THE HOTTEST DREAM

mmmm. yeah.

I woke up this morning all warm and fuzzy; I knew I'd had a hot dream, but I couldn't remember the details.

Then I got in the shower... and slowly, slowly as I slathered body wash (slowly) all over my wet skin, I started to remember. Flashes through my brain. mmmm yeah. so hot.

I was in a Target, in the home improvement section, and randomly there was a bin of purses. Real leather! They were marked down because the security tags had made a hole, and some of them were starting to tear. I didn't care. Most of them were marked to 8.98, but I found one that was marked 6.98, and I switched the TAGS! effffff yeah...mmmm...so hot.

Then I took the purse to the checkout, and the target lady was like, "oh yeah?...." and she scanned it all slow, and I could see the hot jealousy in her eyes. She didn't even KNOW that I had switched the tags. I know she wanted to tear my eyes out, or make out with me. Or both. mmmm yeah.

It was dark purple leather. With a yellow lining. YELLOW, so I would be able to see my shit inside. mmmm yeah. give it to me! The strap was kind of short, but it was a hobo, so I knew that with stuff in it and the zipper undone, it would drape low enough that I could swing my elbow through and easlily glide it onto my hot, naked, wet soapy shoulder. mmmm yeah.

Thanks Target dream. I didn't know I was so into purses...being bad feels good. mmmm yeah.

Small enough to fit in your pocket, good enough to eat.

Small enough to fit in your pocket, good enough to eat.


Small Gravy Phone call

TWO CANDIDATES, ONE CUP

I saw this in the window of a Annapolis, Maryland store this weekend. Apparently, they are selling more Obama cups, which could mean Maryland is going to vote for Obama...but I have a sneaking suspicion that people are buying the cups for gross
viral videos. Two candidates, one cup.

BLAH 3- HANDS FREE THIS!

A new law just went into effect in California banning cell-phone use while driving unless you have a hand-free device. As of July 1st, you can get a $25 ticket if you get caught. It's cheaper to drive while using your phone than to park in Hollywood.

Last week, a friend of mine emailed me a website that will send you a FREE handsfree device for your phone www.freeheadset.org - you pay for shipping, so I decided to be proactive and get ready for this new law. I ordered a headset (oldschool style….with a CORD), and it cost me all of 4.00. YAY! It arrived in record time (3 days), and I was on my way. BUT it doesn't work! I can't hear anything the other person is saying, even if I have the volume turned all the way up. It's annoying. You pay $4.00 for something and you expect it to work, ya know? So in the mean time, I'm screwed. I can't use my phone in the car! I ordered another one yesterday, and it's in the mail….but last night, I was in.Santa Monica and I HAD to call someone. I was being a renegade, using my phone in the car, some guy behind me in a gigantic stupid SUV was flashing his lights at me. I was at a LIGHT! Stopped! So I held up my middle finger, and a note from the environment- "SUCK IT FROM BOTH OF US."

BLAH 2-Rediculous Names for Comedy Shows

I predict that there will be about 321 comedy shows starting in Los Angeles before the end of the year. Some of them will be amazing. Some will them will be horrible. Some will continue for years, and some will only appear for one glorious or embarrassing night. But regardless, they will ALL need a name. So, here's a list….need a penny? take a penny. Have a name? Leave a name.

Fart box
Colossal Comedy Dump
Spinner
Green Machine
Dos Twister
Komedikaze
Crackle pants
Squirmish
Dogs Hump
Showstopshere
Where you at?
Laugh court
Want some bologna?
Industry night
Jim's Package Store
Back Door Donuts
Six Dollar Burger
Get in here
Call Me
I wrote a screenplay
2 donkeys 1 cup
Digitalley
Black People ("I Love doing black people")
Snuff LIVE
The Show Was yesterday
Fuck you
Your Mom ("I'm going to do your mom tonight")
Hit Me
I have syphillus
dog n pony show
rinky dink show
we don't give a shit
I hate LA show
No Industry allowed
Free BBQ
Free Sex
AIDS test
Key Party
Reverse Cowgirl show
Leggo my comedy
schmooze me
on your way
My brother hates me
molestation show
A Dead Guy
Shit Storm
We Were on TV
BALL-E
Facebook Sucks
Everybody cries
Change your tampon
commedia ....del.... farte
comedy bastard
Barely legal
carte blanche
Tits and Bigots
Homophobes and beer
10,000 dollar pyramid
Friends
Give it Back
My Show

BLAH 1- PSYCHIC MISSED CONNECTIONS

I think I'm psychic. Last week, I had a dream about an old co-worker friend, and what I dreamed about her basically came true. In the dream, she was working at the company we both used to work for. A couple days later in real life, she got fired from her current job. SEE? I'm Psychic!

My psychic abilities are telling me that someone posted a "Missed Connection" about me on Craigslist. I don't even have to go looking for it- I know it's there. I'm PSYCHIC!

It says something like this:

It was the 4th of July. There were 20,000 people in the Rose Bowl, but all I saw was you. You looked so cute; you were wearing shorts- a bold move with your white legs, and Pasadena nights can be kind of breezy! I was sitting with my family, and I saw you coming up the stairs, walking a few steps behind a friend, and scanning the crowd for another friend who was saving your seats. I could tell by the look on your face that you were a little self conscious about those white legs, and those really STEEP stadium stairs. And that's why, when you tripped right in front of me, I immediately jumped up to help you, offering my hand and an "Are you okay??" My mother always taught me to be kind to strangers. It was really adorable the way you yelled "FUCK!" as your naked shins hit the edge of the concrete stairs. There were so many kids sitting around you, but you didn't care! Those kids thought they were just going to see a few marching bands and a wholesome American fireworks show, but thanks to you, they also got an American language lesson! You are an inspiration! Also, it was really endearing the way you didn't make eye contact with any of the five other people who collectively said, "OH NO!" and offered to help you up when you went down. You were putting up such a strong front, but I could see you biting back the tears.

It all happened so fast. You were up, you were down, you were bleeding and you were gone. I bet you found your seat, put a wet napkin on your wound and said "FUCK" at least a few more times that night (probably after the child in front of you elbowed your shin twice!)

I didn't even get your name. But I know that you are my kind of woman…. I would love to help you up the next time you take a digger in public. If you're interested email me back.

Signed,
"I want you on my jumbotron"

HALF-BLOGS- or BLAH if you will.

Hey guys…sorry it's been a while since I've written a blog- I'm having a hard time deciding what to write about. I'm SO indecisive! But I've been listening to the "New Earth" on CD, and I've decided that I should celebrate my indecisiveness…it is a sign that I am not imprisoned by my thoughts. I am OPEN to different ideas, and I'm not trapped into looking at things in one particular way. Life is not black and white for me….and if it is, wait five minutes and I'll change my mind (and my shirt).

So in honor of my newly-celebrated indecisiveness, here are a few of the half- blogs that I've been writing.

enjoy!

BLOG CHALLENGE 7: My(Space) Love advice

Myspace has changed the way we live and LOVE......

I used to know when my boyfriend was super mad at me because he spit in my face.

Now, I know something is VERY wrong when he deletes my comment, picture, or the WORST- my friendship. It was easier when he spit on me!

Before, at the end of a relationship, I would just delete his number, give away his sweater, and be done with it. NOW, I have to set my page to private, delete him as a friend, AND post a thinly-veiled blog about how I found this new young indie band- and it's SO much better than the old one I used to listen to. (Mostly because their bass guitar is much bigger).

Or maybe write a poem about how I killed a badger outside my sun room, JUST IN TIME.

Before, if I wanted to check up on a guy I'm dating, I would just borrow his cell phone while he was in the bathroom, write down all the numbers of girls he's called recently, and call them all one by one posing as a carpet cleaning business. "I'm sure you'll need to speak to your husband before you make any decisions. Oh you don't have a husband? Your boyfriend? Yes, and what was his name??"

NOW, I have to do all kinds of research, or SPYSPACING, as I like to call it. I have to figure out which girls are posting comments on his page, who those girls are, and what he's saying on THEIR pages. And because most of those girls' pages are set to private, that usually involves creating fake accounts, "friending" those slutty whores, posing as someone who "knows a friend of theirs," or a photographer who wants to "offer free headshots to build my portfolio" because they "are very photogenic."

Not to mention keeping tabs on all the updates:

He added a new picture? Who is that girl?

He updated his profile?? That means you have to scour his page to see what has changed….

Changed his Background?? (he never changed his background while WE were dating!)

He added a new Song? (Is that a love song? A message to me? Or does that mean he's seeing someone new?)

Who is that in his top friends? I've never seen HER before!? Is that the Shelly that he works with??

Myspace is supposed to keep us all connected….but really, it's just making everyone more psycho.

Not to mention…IT'S LIKE A SECOND JOB!

Thank God I'm only working part-time now...

BLOG CHALLENGE 6: I PROMEEEETHHH

I'm obsessed with accents. And I don't wanna brag, but I have a good ear. I can usually pick out an accent and pinpoint its origin before you can finish your introductory handshake.

I also hate talking to strangers. I mean, if people are introduced to me, or if I'm onstage that's different. But I hate it when random strangers talk to me for no good reason.

ie.

The lady on the treadmill who always talked to me while I was reading a book....asking me so many questions that I just eneded up lying to her about my life. I am a paralegal and I have 2 kids. My husband just left me and it's a pretty sore subject!

The guy in the elevator who thinks it's fun to make jokes like "I hope no one had mexican food today!" oh god you're hilarious....

The woman in Target who asks me, "What do you think of those granola bars? I wanted to try them but my daughter is allergic to peanuts." Fascinating.

So these two things are counter-productive. I like to hear people's voices, but I don't wanna talk to them to find out where they're from.

So the other day I had to go to the mall to pick up a few things for the late bridal shower gift. And out of no where, the strangest accent came out of the strangest little man- I was walking toward him, and I just kept focusing on the noise coming out of his mouth. SO interesting....where is he from?? What kind of accent is that? And then I realized he was talking to me- and coming toward me quickly.

"Ethcuthe me meeethhh.

Meeeth!!!

DO you like to have your free manicured today?

Eeeethhhh abthoolutely freee and you will thank me I promoeeeth!"

"I PROMEEEEEETHHHHH!???" (SMILE)

He was adorable. I would have normally just kept walking, but because I had been mezmorized by this strange accent slash speech impediment, I slowed down too much. He caught me.

I put up the usual fight- "Sorry, I don't have time.....no thank you! I've heard this stuff is great, but not today." But it was too late.

He grabbed my hand and I wasn't paying any attention to what he was doing. I was just trying to figure out what the HELL he was saying.

What ith your name?? aaaaahhhhh MEEETHELLLL. That ithh a beautiful name for a beautiful girl. (SMILE). NOW, Theethhh ithhh the oil from duh dead theeee. You put theeeth on your handth oneth a week or twithe if you want (smile!). And theeeth itth the cuticle oil. aaaaaaaaahhh (*SMILE*) tho nithe okay? right? tho nithe!

And you gunna thee thithhh nail right heer gonna thine thoooo nithe (SMILE!) You not gunna beleeeve ith. Thithh ithh the buffer you need itthh maybe oneth a week okay? right?"

It was happening real fast. There were salts from the dead sea, a water bottle, a bunch of my dead skin cells in the basin.....but I just wanted him to keep talking!

But he had already stopped.

"Tho whitthh one you gonna buy today meethelll?" (SMILE)?

What? Oh crap. This is the part where I have to come up with something. I panicked. AND I BECAME THE STRANGER WHO SHARES TOOOOOOOO MUCH.

I ended up telling him that I only work part-time, I just bought a gift for someone else, I'm going out of town soon, my mom has cancer, but I WILL come back and buy the kit when I need a gift for someone else.

"Why geefth? Why Geeft Meeeethelle? Why not your geeeft? Geeeft for yourthelf? You deTHERVE eeeet Meethelle!"

But Pierre! You've already given me the best geeeeft of all. You have inspired several people reading this to speak out loud and try to figure out where you are from.

France + Gay + Cindy Brady= the best geeeeeft ever.

PS. Thanks for the shiny nail on my middle finger. It makes flipping people off real pretty!

BLOG CHALLENGE 5: Best things to buy while crying

Feel free to add to this.

1. Flowers

2. Anniversary Cards

3. Adult Diapers

4. Pregnancy Tests (because you never buy just ONE)

5. A House

6. A handgun (from Wal-Mart)

7. Apple Pucker and/or "the Margarita Bucket"

8. Duct Tape

9. Baseball Bat

10. Flares

11. Tent

12. Shovel

13. Crotchless Panties

14. Condoms

15. a Bible

16. 3 Chicken Tendercrips Sandwiches from Burger King. One diet coke

17. new puppy

18. A new Bra

19. Bikini Wax Kit

20. Dr. Phil Book

21. Chainsaw

22. Birthday cake

22. Mascara

23. Binoculars

24. Pinata

BLOG CHALLENGE 4: THE FEET BLOG

I never wanted to write this blog. I didn't wake up this morning and think to myself: I need to talk about my feet. I just went through my day and every once in a while I would check in and ask myself, "is there anything that has happened today that would make a fun blog?" and the answer was "no." Not because my day wasn't incredibly fun, but it just wasn't unusual enough.

It wasn't unusual that I spent 11 hours with strangers shooting a pilot where I got to play an endearingly desperate, horny woman.

It wasn't unusual that I offered to take someone else's trash home to be recycled (and then forgot it).

It wasn't unusual that I slowed down and allowed two gentlemen to walk across the street in front of my car, and got an "oh yeah baby girl! mmm hmmm" in return.

It wasn't unusual that I had to run home and change clothes in a rush for a party- or that I chose to wear pants instead of a skirt (hello stubble!). And I thought it would be cute and "spunky" to wear my chuck taylors instead of girly shoes. It's a little butch, but suck it- my feet hurt from the long day.

And sadly, it wasn't unusual that I showed up two hours late to a bachelorette party with no gift, and walked in just when the gift exchange was happening.

I was starting to think I wouldn't have anything to write about! I might have to actually come up with something on my own without relying on the world to give it to me! (gross)

AND THEN IT HAPPENED. The bachelorette party was winding down, and the wild ones were moving the party to the "bars." OF COURSE I was planning on going to that...especially since I was so late and needed to make it up to the bride to be with a few slippery nipple shots,because who doesn't love those? And who doesn't love a good bar?

Well....one of the lovely ladies warned me that I wouldn't be able to get into the club with my sensible shoes....

(WARNING!)

But then, like girls do, everyone went into a super-adorable "we'll make it work" mode:

"What size shoes do you wear?"

(OH MY GOD)

"I have an extra pair!"

(OH SHIT)

"You can wear mine!"

(I THINK I'M GONNA THROW UP)

"And put your converse in your bag!"

(OR MAYBE PASS OUT)

"And Change when we get inside!"

(I GOTTA GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BEFORE I HAVE TO SHOW SOMEONE MY FEET).

That's all I could think about. GET OUT NOW! MISSION ABORT! MISSION ABORT! I knew they were being kind and trying to find a way to include me. And if I didn't have strange feet issues, then it would not have been a big deal.

In reality, it wasn't a big deal AT ALL. I was exhausted, and I'm not a fan of dancing. So this gave me an out- "Oh well, I don't have the right shoes.... no worries. You guys go ahead and have fun!"

But they were trying so hard...and I had to say something to make them stop. So THIS is what came out of my pie hole:

"NO! IT'S OKAY, OKAY? I really don't wanna wear anyone else's fancy girly shoes, because I have weird feet issues, so you guys go and have fun and don't worry about it!"

*awkward silence* *awkward silence* *awkward silence*

So how's THAT for a graceful exit???

Jesus Miracle, you're a douche...

I hope they didn't feel too bad. It had NOTHING to do with them at all. I am just weird. I have ugly feet. And I don't show my feet to anyone. And if you're reading this, and thinking, "I've seen your feet," it's probably because I was in love with you, or you're related to me, OR you came home early and caught a glimpse of them as I was running away and screaming, "don't look at my feet!"

It's pretty effing rediculous, I know. But can I get a high five for opening up?

Is this funny? Probably not, unless you really know me and have experienced my "weird feet thing."

Does make me more neurotic and therefore endearing?

Say yes. For all of us....but mostly for me, (because I'm wearing socks right now).

BLOG CHALLENGE 3: THE SICK BLOG

You KNOW something was going down if Miracle skipped a day on the blog challenge! Sorry guys, yesterday I went home early from work to sleep off the horrible sickness that was creeping in. Plus, if I did have a blog in me yesterday, it would have gone something like this:

"WHYYYYYY? OH GOD...NOT NOW!!!!!!!!"

Today I went to CVS to go to the "doctor." I use the quotes because I'm really not sure you can call these people doctors- they wear a white coat, but their skills seem to be focused on the fact that they can click a series of boxes with a computer mouse and run a credit card machine. And yes, I've said this before! But I chose to go because it's close to my house and reasonable. Meaning I give them 100 bucks to stick a giant q-tip down my throat reasonable. I don't know if I have strep, but it sure feels like it. And I wanted to be sure because I'm going home to see my mom next week, and if I'm sick I can't be around her. So I thought better safe than sorry. I could have gotten the antibiotics just in case, but that would have been another 60 bucks. So instead I bought some cookies and left that place with my middle finger in the air. We'll just wait til Tuesday to see if I really have strep.

I did however rally last night around 10pm to shoot a quick scene for a short film/pilot that I had already committed to. So when you see it, you'll be able to tell which scene I'm talking about-the one where I have the sweats and I'm about to pass out. I can't wait.

So that's all for now. Tomorrow I shoot the pilot all day, so I'm sure I'll have stuff to write about. Now I sleeeeeeeep.

BLOG CHALLENGE 2: I HEART GOOGLE

In case you didn't know it, Google is the b.o.m.b

It completely made my day today.

People are always sending me videos in a COMMENT or a BULLETIN or your FUN WALL. We are all swimming in "funny" videos these days. There are too many of them, and most of them aren't even funny. Except the ones I have done, of course! Seriously you guys- I have done some funny videos- like stuff that's gotten a couple hundred hits. Those kind of numbers are really encouraging to a struggling "funny" person.

But today, I went back to my roots. I thought back to a time before video comments/bulletins/FUN WALLS. I was digging deep. My inner monologue went something like this:

"What was the first internet video that really made me laugh and WHY?"

And then I was all, "oh!" And then I was all, "I hate when people say 'I was all...'"

I recalled a video sent to me as a LINK in an email (hello caveman!) YEARS ago...back when I worked at a Television station in Denver, and we were starved for "funny" to kill the time at work. But I was all, "how can I ever find it again?"

That's where Google comes in, guys. I typed in four words that connected me to the best video on the internet. EVER.

OLD. LADY. DOG. WALKING

And (WAIT! DO NOT SCROLL DOWN YET ANTSY PANTS!) because I think it's important for all of us to reconnect with our own unique senses of humor and celebrate each and every one, I invite you to watch this and celebrate your own.

By the way, I wish google would track how many times something like "old lady dog walking" has been googled. Because if we tracked how many times we've all googled our own names, we would all appear to be VERY famous. 10 million "google hits?" holy crap! I want you in my picture!

I also truly believe that gmail (a brilliant product of google) was develped to act as a cock block, but that's a theory for another blog.

But in conclusion- I heart google and all of you, and this is why.

BLOG CHALLENGE 1: THE HOT DOGS

Sometimes you have two groups of friends. The cool ones, and the nice ones.

Sometimes you have a BBQ and invite the cool ones and the nice ones both to come and bring hotdogs. The cool ones talk to the nice ones and the nice ones talk to the cool ones. And then everyone is happy and cool and nice.

And SOMETIMES, you have a BBQ where every single nice and/or cool person brings a pack of hot dogs and leaves them behind for you to eat, when in fact you are kind of grossed out by hot dogs. And since you have a star wars video game in your living room, it brings everyone together. In a way that the cool ones don't have to actually TALK to the nice ones, but they can compare scores, or talk about how awesome it is to have a video game in your living room. But everyone is still cool and nice and happy.

And I hereby swear that every homless person I see for the next couple weeks will be getting one ball park frank, compliments of the best BBQ ever.

BLOG CHALLENGE!

So...I had a particularly shitty stand-up set the other night. For realzzz, it was BAAAAAAADDDDDDD.

If this is any indication of the level of suck that occured, my friend (who had never seen me do stand-up) said this after the show:

"Stand-up is really hard."

Yeah. THAT bad. uggghhhh. I wanna break it off with stand-up. Walk away, never look back- I don't want to leave a note, I just want to empty all of my shit out of the apartment while he's at work and run to Arizona and be a Pampered Chef consultant, or start up my own ebay business selling my mom's smoky Beanie Babies. They've been safely stored in baggies in a closet since 1995.

But before I break it off for good, I'm gonna do another blog challenge. Because even when you know it's not gonna work out, you still wanna sleep with him. Maybe you are punishing yourself, because you like the pain. Maybe you are trying to find that redeeming quality you didn't see before. Or maybe you're trying to get pregnant to trap him into staying.

So that's what I'm gonna do. Hump a new blog every day for seven days. I don't promise that it will be brilliant. They might not even be funny. But either way, I'm gonna get pregnant with a new comedy baby.

I will thank you in advance for reading. It means a lot.

ENJOY!

-Michelle "entrapment" Miracle

PS. This may count as the first entry, unless I am inspired later tonight.

A NOTE ABOUT MY PROFILE PICTURE

Well, Well, Wellllllllll, It's been a while huh? You look good.

I changed my profile picture, and it's creating QUITE a stir. If you'd all get your minds out of the gutter for a minute, you might wanna know that it's actually a picture of a beautiful conch shell, taken in Nassau, Bahamas. The ocean is a beautiful place my friends....and deep within it, there are many beautiful (yet strangely erotic) things. I didn't make them, I just take pictures of them- is that a crime? If you've got a problem with any of these things, take it up with the big guy upstairs- you know...the one with a sense of humor.

I like it. And I'll change it back when you calm down!

By the way, it was taken by my friend Derek, right before he bought a much uglier, cheaper one that made no sound and smelled like a moldy basement. He left it in the shower.

Hearts and farts and new blog challenge coming up soon!

-Miracle

PAARRRT TIME!!

Hey douchebags!

Just in case you are wondering, things are changing!

I am now working part-time. No more 40 hours per week of porn. This is both good and scary as hell. I will have to learn the art of bugeting...

BUT it's going to free my brain up to do more creative things, such as:

1. Scour the internet for a rich husband ("number 1 was fun, but 2 will buy me shoes!")

2. Grow a beard.

3. Go through my underwear drawer. (not to get rid of anything....just to appreciate)

4. Learn to paint my name on a piece of rice. (You can sell anything in Venice!)

But for reallllllz: I'm excited. Change is good, and I know everything's going to work out financially, because I'm scared into action.

Today was my first day at home, and I made some major progress already.

I made soup, got my car washed, cleaned my trunk, made my bed, rediscovered (and updated) my itunes library, charged my ipod, researched voice-over studios, went to the post office to mail my mother's day present, did the dishes, sent a bunch of emails, did yoga, AND I took a shower. I KNOW! Holy productive Miracle, right? Just think what I can accomplish being home two full days per week (plus the weekends!). Look out to do list. I'm coming for you.

Let me know if you need me to do anything for you. Once I take over the world, I'll be looking for stuff to do.

Hearts and farts.

DISASTER!

I wanted to write a new blog today, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

LIFE IS A DISASTER!

I couldn't find find fat-free cheese OR Boca Bratworst at Von's, AND they didn't have the bagels I like.

I think I have a vericose vein- it hurts behind my knee, right where I cross my lady legs.

I don't know how to spell vericose.

I'm going back to bed. Maybe the unbearable darkess will clear up after...

WAIT- I can't go to bed, because my sheets are in the WASHER!

This is too much. I hope there are no ropes or bourbon in my kitchen...

WAIT- I have BOTH of those things in my kitchen! shit.

I have to get out of here. I'll get in my car and...

WAIT! I just hit a bratty child with my car.

Whew....for a minute I thought I was having a bad day!

THE RAPE TRAIL

I did a show at the Westwood Brewing Company last week- (it's a big UCLA party bar). During my set, I was talking to a a couple girls in the crowd about what college is like these days- it's been a while for old lady Miracle! The kids told me that on the UCLA campus, there is a particular area called "The Rape Trail." Apparently, a lot of women have been raped in this area, and women are warned not to walk alone.

This is appalling to me. Not only because women are getting raped on the UCLA campus, but because they are BRANDING it!

AND if we're gonna brand it, can we get a better name than the RAPE TRAIL!???

I mean really. Are there signs?

You are now entering Rape Trail

Elevation 2507 feet, 4.3 km

Pack out what you pack in! ("NO litter" symbol)

Don't Feed the Bears

Bring your pepper spray!

Rape Trail makes it sound almost inviting, and that is WRONG people!

I don't care how pretty it is, I am NOT hiking the rape trail!

I don't want to run a race called the "Rape Trail 5k!"

I don't want to take pictures along the Rape Trail!

I don't wanna walk along the trail and learn about the history of rape! (ala the Freedom Trail in Boston).

I don't wanna go on a scavenger hunt on the Rape Trail, because guess what you're gonna find? Talk about ruining the surprise.

I think I can speak for all of us- COME ON UCLA- Let's change that name huh?? Or stop letting all the rapists in.

That is all.

I need to go on a walk!

WHAT I’VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

Okay....these experiences have occurred over TWO weeks, but I crammed all the actual LEARNING into one week.

1. You can't put a price on a good bra that will hold up your girls. Well, actually you can, and it's $72.00.

2. When I actually make it to the gym, all I can think about is that EVERY inch of that place has saliva and/or sweat all over it. And when I am done working out, I forget about it....until I'm eating something with my hands. Note to self: buy hand sanitizer!

3. My need to explore the the LA area divided by the number of friends who can actually go with me equals, "the answer is NO, I haven't been to (name of place/restaurant/hiking trail/beach) yet."

Note to self: Get new friends! (just kidding) Go anyway!

4. I've used "Actually" in the first three entries on this list. I need a new adverb.

5. When you drive to Calabasas to get your taxes done, you realize that traveling pays. Take that Denver accountant that thinks acting is a hobby! Put my huge return in your church play pipe and smoke it!

6. I still love Denver, but it loves me a little less each time I go.

7. Taco Bell is a lot like Denver.

8. My true joy onstage comes from hosting a show- because then I can tap into my improv muscle as well as my joke muscle. (insert joke muscle joke here).

9. If you get a really old ring from your dear deceased grandmother....and you find out it was purchased at ZALES, can you really call it an heirloom?

10. When 4 coworkers go out for drinks after work, disperse at 8pm to do separate things, and all reconvene at 11pm for 4 more hours of drinking, laughing and game playing, it feels like they have been commissioned to be a group of superheros. Just call us the "PORN TEAM DRUNK FORCE."

11. When your "separate thing" is a bad first date....you have a LOT of funny stories to bring to the "PORN TEAM DRUNK FORCE" table.

12. If a guy calls you "dude" 50 times within 10 minutes, you should probably marry him.

13. Rape Trail. (this one deserves it's own entry)

14. Superheroes do not have time to clean the bathroom or cook the meat that's been in the refrigerator since Saturday. (Sorry Dennis!)

15. Craigslist is a VERY bad way to try and meet normal, quality guys in LA. VERRRRY BAD.

16. Conversely, Craigslist is a VERY GOOD way to meet married guys pretending to be single and then receive emails from their pregnant wives.

17. YEAH. I know. Thank God I didn't actually meet him in person....WHAT A DOUCHE!! (please no Lacy Peterson, please no Lacy Peterson, please no Lacy.....)

18. Craigslist personals has increased my comedy material by about 45%. Thanks boys!

19. I'm doing a show called Prom Night on Monday (see my profile pic- it's the poster), and I'm contemplating wearing my prom dress. Hopefully this time around it won't bring tears.

20. Things that I put off are usually not as difficult as I think they will be. (ie, taxes, getting my bike fixed, resolving friendship drama, going to the gym). JUST DO IT!

21. When I get bumped out of the money spot on the bowling team because I'm a GIRL, I get mad enough to beat all the penis holders. You can all suck on my 151 average bitches! (And now my strategy is to not bowl for two weeks so my average stays high!)

This was a long one, but I learned a lot this week people! Thanks for reading!

PHOTO ESSAY OF MY TRIP TO DENVER

"Dear Silverlake" Letter

Dear Silverlake,

I’m not sure how to say this without hurting you, but it’s over. It’s funny, because I didn’t even live in you, but I just know it isn’t going to work. I thought you were what I wanted, but I changed my mind. It was fun while it lasted, but I really just want to move on. As you’re reading this, I’m already packing my stuff; I’m leaving tomorrow. No, I’m not gonna put an ad on craigslist, I’m going straight back to my ex: Denver. Sometimes, the best way to get over it is to recycle an old one, and why not recycle with the city that invented the mile high club?

You were the first city I stayed in when I moved to LA...and even though it was only a week, it was a GREAT week! You were so welcoming and fun, with your cool hilly neighborhoods, amazing views and no parking restrictions. Yes, I live in Burbank, but I had fun with you-you have really fun bars, and curvy roads, and quaint little shops and restaurants that are SO far from chains. But people change, and so did you. You are filled with dicks. It’s not really you...it’s the people you hang around with. Does ANYONE say "excuse me "in Silverlake?? NO! Do people in Silverlake drive like they are entitled to kill two pedestrians per day? YES! And, honestly you are filthy. Clean up your dog shit, Silverlake! How do expect to EVER get a girlfriend with all that poop hanging around??

It’s so annoying that there’s really only one road in and one road out. You’re so stuck in your ways for someone so young...LIVE a little!

And this is gonna hurt you, but I have to say it. When you first showed me your "lake," I laughed. I was trying SO hard to hide it...I actually turned my head so you wouldn’t see me laughing. But I couldn’t help it ...I’ve never seen one like that! I know we say size doesn’t matter, but it just looks so weird with that fence around it. I hope I didn’t give you a complex, but you should really let people get up close, and you should stop calling it a lake. It’s more like a cement man-made pond 50 yards away! What’s next- a "free ice cream" cart surrounded by a bed of broken glass? What’s wrong with letting people walk by your trees instead of next to the speeding cars filled with dicks?

You weren’t ready for me- you’re still trying to figure yourself out. Maybe when the market crashes you’ll come around. I will always remember our time together- even though it was short...it was fun. I’ve been to a lot of cities, but I could really see myself getting rich and buying property in you someday-maybe even getting a dog to walk in you! But, there are plenty of other pretty neighborhoods out there.

I hope you’re okay....maybe someday we can hang out...I just need some space for a while. Sometimes, the universe just gives you a taste of something that’s looks good at first so you know what to look for in the next city...

On the top of my list: "excuse me," no dicks, & FREE ICE CREAM (no glass).

Fondly,
Michelle

BLOG CHALLENGE 7- THE LAST EFFING ONE.

CONGRATULATIONS- YOU MADE IT!

Seven days- Thanks for powering through with me. It helped a lot. This is the last one for a while-but right now, I cannot think of ANYTHING to write about! ugggghhh. If I had known I was gonna blow my wad on the pigeon, I would have enjoyed it a little more.

I’ve spent a LOT of time in Silverlake/Los Feliz recently. I’m starting to feel like I live there. I gave someone directions today, and I signed up for the Silverlake news email list. Before you know it, I’ll get a dog and stop taking showers.

I saw "Real Women Have Curves The musical" today. After it was over, I felt proud of my body and my latina heritage.

OH-I finally figured out HOW to get on tv- All I need to do is assemble a group of "dancers" on par with a high school talent show, make coordinating "streetworn" (aka shredded) outfits and sneakers, and be able to hold a microphone. Look out, LIVE AT THE APPOLO- here I come!

When people say "I feel like I’ve told you this story before" I always want to say,"No, you haven’t told me this story before...but I’m a little sick of "I feel like I’ve told you this story before." Broken record broken record. (this was funnier out loud).

One tragic repercussion of working out...(well, let’s be honest- it was more "walking fast or uphill" than working out) is that I sweat between my boobs. Does that happen to you? And if you’re wearing a sports bra...that means that you sweat in the middle of the UNIBOOB, which is hard to deal with in mixed company. Sweat makes you itch people! And while guys can go around and adjust and/or scratch the sweat itch whenever or wherever they want, women have to be a little more dignified about it. The UNIBOOB SWEAT ITCH requires the two handed tackle. One hand to hold the sports bra away from the skin (those suckers are TIGHT!), and the other hand to dig in the crack of the uniboob and go in. If you are an expert at this move, you might say something like, "Oh my god, I think I see a coyote over there!" and then swiftly dig between your boobs and get the blissful release that only comes from scratching the uniboob sweat itch in the "money spot."

If you are an amateur, you might say something like, "oh I am sweating like a beast!" or "my boobs itch, don’t look!" while going in. This always ends with your walking partner getting a money shot of you with your hands in the cookie jar.

Speaking of cookie jar- can we all have a moment of silence- Girl Scout Cookie season is officially over. Now I can stop "accidentally" going to the bank on Saturday mornings, and pretending to be surprised that they are set up with a table and two tons of cookies, wearing their cute patches and yelling their sales pitch to strangers.

We don’t give a shit about the cause Sally, just shut up and sell me some Samoas!

BLOG CHALLENGE 6- THE BIRD

Today, (thanks to James) I almost died. I hiked up a "trail" that until we showed up had only seen mudslides and rattlesnakes come through. BUT I did it, did not spit blood, AND I only had to take three advil tonight! After 22 minutes of wheezing, I was able to tell him how good it felt.

Luckily after the hike, we went to lunch in Los Feliz! It was lucky because in the middle of our conversation, I saw one of the saddest/coolest things EVER- a ONE-footed pigeon walking on the sidewalk. Seriously. It was just walking around, begging for food like a pirate, hobbling on his peg leg.

They don’t have homeless people in Los Feliz (they’re not allowed in unless they are wearing screen-printed T-shirts and leather wristbands).....BUT they have one-footed pigeons. It was kind of awesome, and sad. But mostly awesome.

How does the one-footed pigeon HAPPEN? I am not some sort of scholar but I just completed my online degree in pigeon theory from DeVry, SO I’ve deduced the following possible answers to this conundrum.

1. His girlfriend (assuming it was a HE) caught him cheating, and instead of cutting off his balls (because WHO can find balls with all those feathers?), she cut off his foot. And then she put his severed foot in the nest of that slutty sparrow, with a note: "He’s a carrier. Congratulations, he got his foot in your door just in time."

2. Assuming is was a female bird: Her boyfriend was shipped off to fight in Iraq; she wanted to prove she would be faithful while he was fighting for our country, so she mamed herself in a way that would prevent other birds from wanting to mate, or even fly next to her. PS. The foot is hanging from her rear-view mirror with a yellow ribbon around it.

3. Scrapbook accident.

4. Bird Frat Hazing.

5. Pinkberry optioned the foot for a new possible flavor. Sometimes you just need money. Don’t judge- you sold your plasma in college for Boone’s Farm money.

6. He tried to cut off the ankle bracelet from his DUI charge, but the knife slipped. It’s ironic, because it makes him want to get drunk but now he can’t drive a stick.

7. Bread fight.

I’m sure there are other possible scenarios, but all I know is that EVERYONE on that patio was throwing food at him. It was really pissing the other birds off. It’s like when two homeless people are standing at the corner, and I only have one dollar to give away. It always comes down to the better sign.

BLOG CHALLENGE 5- Remember me?

I hate it when you meet someone, and they accost you by saying, "Actually, we’ve met before. " Or my favorite, "You don’t remember my name do you?"

It automatically puts you on the defensive...."Really? We’ve met before? Where was that again? At so and so’s going away party?....Oh yeah...I’m sorry, I do remember you now."

"Yes, I remember meeting you! But yes..I forgot your name, I’m sorry. What was it again?"

I really hate it when I’m that person. I’m the douche.

When it’s happening, I justify it in my mind as "I’m helping this person with this awkward ’memory searching’ situation," OR "I’ll just let him know that we’ve met before, so we can pick up the conversation where we left off at the LAST going away party."

BUT it never comes off like that. And AS the words leave my lips, I hear them.

"HOW can you not remember me? I remember you!"

"We met at this place, and THAT place...and jesus, what is WRONG with you?"

OR

"Since you didn’t remember me, we should make out, because hey- you OWE me."

So to everyone that I have RE-met recently....and REMINDED that we’ve already met, I’m sorry. I just wanted to acknowledge it. And the next time we see each other, I will acknowledge this awkward blog acknowledging the awkward situation...and we’ll be back to square one.

Also, I have totally written this blog before. DIDN’T YOU READ IT? Yes you did! Don’t you remember!?!?!

PS. If you did not enjoy this blog, click here.

BLOG CHALLENGE 4- SUPER JOKE ME.

I am really feeling the effects of trying to come up with something funny every day. I feel like I’m doing my own version of "Super Size Me"- where it sounds like a fun experiment, but a few big macs in, and my kidneys are shutting down.

I never even saw that movie....but I imagine that is how it goes. I heard there is a part where they leave some different burgers and fries sitting out for a while, and after a few weeks, the McDonald’s burger looks as good as new. That’s not gross....that’s AMAZING! I hope that’s how these blogs end up- not all natural and moldy. I want purely mass-produced, hormone-enhanced, long-lasting comedy. Not some mom-n-pop diner burger crap that grows hair after a few days.

I want my jokes to be sold in Starbucks. On a pretty display with some signage that says, "You’ll laugh a latte."

I want people to download a "BLOG ON TAPE" from BarnesandNoble.com

I want people to ask me to sign their copy of the blog...with my electronic
signature. Just like when I put my student loans on deferment.

Also, I want you all to know, that I have been mortified by the misspellings in my blog challenge blogs. I don’t what you thinking, "This crazy lady doesn’t even CARE about grammar and spelling! She was probably educated in Commerce City! Next to the Dog Track and the Flea Market, at a home-school for Appalachian refugees!

Well....as a matter of fact, I do care about spelling, I’m just lazy. And hasty. Put them together and you get lazsty. But I do want to say I’m sorry to Mr. Hoge. He was one of my favorite high school teachers- English- and if he’s reading this, I’m sure he’s proud and ashamed at the same time. Proud that I know how to use a semi-colon; I do not abuse it. But ashamed that I don’t even click the "SPELL CHECK" button before I post it. HEY, HOGE, there is NO spell check button on myspace. TAKE IT UP WITH TOM! Jeez, get off my back.

Also, even though he is retired, he is probably still wearing tweed sport coats with leather patches on the elbows.

And if I could hang out with him for a day, I would totally take him to McDonald’s and tell him about my jokes.....that I wrote...because he was a kickass English teacher.

BLOG CHALLENGE 3- An Open Letter to Bitches

An Open Letter to Bitches:

Dear (insert your bitchy name here)

Haaaaaayyyyyy gurl! How are you?? I am okay, but who cares, right, because it’s ALL ABOUT YOU! I really like what you were wearing today-you looked super hot with your thong hanging out, and HOLY self-tanner on the midriff! It’s not even SPRING yet! Nice work. If I were you, I would totally buy myself a wine cooler, or play "poor and thirsty" in the middle of a crowded bar. So much fun to watch the guys clammer to buy you a fruity drink!

Speaking of Spring...I cannot WAIT to see you driving down the freeway in your cute yellow convertable (thanks Daddy!), with the vanity plate (2QT, IMHOT, YURIDE, etc). I bet it takes a lot of product to keep your hair looking so good after all the wind. And the way you change lanes without using your blinker, while talking on your cell phone and blaring your bubblegum pop.....it’s so super cute! You should have your own reality show.

Any time you wanna hang out, let me know. I could SO use a marathon of the OC or Tila Tequila- I know one of the producers. Or maybe we could go to movie and talk on our cell phones the whole time. I would totally be down for a trip to the mall- we could steal a parking space and then laugh about it as we walk into the mall wearing our juicy sweat suits- the ones that show off our tramp stamps!

oh...you have to go? Oh...I see- you have to call your rich banker friend back, because he’s gonna fly you to Aspen for the weekend. Wow. That sounds fun! I hope you don’t have TMJ...that can totally put a damper on the shopping. by the way, if you get sick of buying things for yourself, I love jewelry! haha

I’ll see you around. Stay awesome!

*kiss* *kiss*

Michelle

BLOG CHALLENGE 2

I had the MOST AMAZING DAY EVER TODAY!


I woke up and did one hour of yoga in the privacy of my own room. But at the end of it, an EXTREMELY average-looking guy walked in, complimented my form and my feet, and then made out with me REAL GOOD. "The best part of waking up..."

I took a shower, and there was hot water!

I was 20 minutes early for work, I got to park on the lot, and my desk was clean when I got there.

I ate a salad for lunch, and it tasted like a cheese pizza.

I got a phone call from the ad agency that does the Target ads- they LOVED my idea for the spot.

I got a call from the Club Jenna people- they LOVED my idea for the new film SUPERBALD.

I bought a copy of the new Morrissey CD- and he THANKED ME in the notes.

I wrote a self-help book, and Oprah wants to do a whole 8 week online course about it!

I got a check in the mail from kid I sponsor in Zimbabwe. Apparently- he’s been investing that eight cents a day and wanted to say THANK YOU!

I helped a lady give birth in the parking lot of a Best Buy- it’s a boy, and he’s already latching onto the Blue Ray.

I sent a digital picture of the sunset to KTLA- and they used it ON THE AIR, using my first name and city!!!!

I watched the Biggest Loser, ate a box of Tagalongs, and lost 8 pounds at the weigh in- TAKE THAT BLUE TEAM!

I learned Final Cut, and got 1,000,000 hits on my internet short about a girl who talks with her mouth full of tagalongs...in ONE HOUR!

I changed my last name to sound more "ethnic," and became a correspondant for FOX news!

Also, after I confronted this guy for hitting on everyone in the bar BUT me....he invited me to Boise for a picnic. And he picked me up in his Honda civic!








Don’t be jealous....you’ll have a good day soon. You just have to believe....it’s the secret!!

BLOG CHALLENGE 1

Okay...here it is as promised- But it might not be funny.

Today is the day that I admit: ex boyfriends haunt me. I carry each torch into the next new thing...and the hopes brought on by past failures burn brighter with each new wick.

I learn with each ending....but I will always be hopeful with each new beginning.

Does that make me naive or beautiful? Either way, a new lesson creeps up and allows me to grow. GROWTH is sexy, right? Like a mole...Is this relationship brown around the edges? Does this new thing have an irregular border??

WHO CARES. This is supposed to be funny.

And this is also the day I admit I am a little drunk....yay bowling!

I PROMISE I will not attempt deep thoughts tomorrow....

blog challenge activate!

And by activate, I mean "check for cancer..."

MY PERSONAL BLOG CHALLENGE

Okay sugarnuts,

I’m gonna challenge myself this week- I’m gonna write a blog every day. I know....it’s a little excessive. And who really cares? But I need to do it- I haven’t been writing a lot of comedy lately, and I’ve been a bit of a Debbie Downer (WANH WANH). So I’m warning you- these next seven blogs might suck. But just know that it will be theraputic. And simply by reading them, you are preventing me from jumping off the proverbial comedy ledge...and I know how you like to feel helpful.

Thoughts of the day:

1. Fake Beef strips = DIRGE. No matter how much sauce you put on them, or how many vegetables you shove in your mouth to mask the badness..they still taste like crap.

2. NO hot water= cranky Michelle. Leaky hot water heaters= water damage to the only things I own. Does anyone have a garage where I can put some boxes that WON’T be damaged by random flooding??? Pretty please?

3. Daylight savings time is cool, because you can get outside and and walk around your neighborhood, or around the "lake." Also with so much light, you can see your attacker’s face!

4. My mom is out of the hospital, which is good. I will still have to go there a few times with her while I’m in Denver. But I’m totally gonna pee on the building. Luckily, one of the security guards who works there is a big fan of my comedy, so I will totally get away with the peeing.

5. I love it when a guy thinks he is flirting, but he is just repeating things back to you in a "suggestive" tone.

Example:

Him: So...what are you up to?

Me: I’m driving to Hollywood...ughhh it’s so hot outside today.

Him: Yeah...it’s really hot outside huh?

Me: uhmmm...yeah. So it was fun to see you the other night. Thanks for coming to the show.

Him: yeah...it was fun wasn’t it?

oooooookkkkkaaaaaaaayyyyyy buddy. I do not know what to do with that. GIVE ME SOMETHING. Anyway, obviously there is more to that story, but that’s all you’re gonna get sugarnuts!

It will be better tomorrow. I hope.

(WANH WANH)

DOGS AGREE

Addendum to the last blog:

This morning I drove past an animal hospital, and there was a dog pissing on the building.

"Amen, brother.....amen!"

WHAT I’VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

This one is a DOOOOOZIE!

1. CVS has what they call "minute Clinic" where if you have a white lab coat, and you can operate a computer mouse and a credit card machine, YOU CAN PRACTICE MEDICINE!!

PS. I had a sinus infection, so the mouse clicks determined I needed antibiotics....and because I have a CVS discount card, I got a free coupon for a yeast infection- redeemable at the checkout!

2. If you have a strange pattern of redness in your eye, and a suspiscious white dot on your cornea...you should go see the nice eye doctor whose name I can't pronounce. He is cool. And he'll prescribe a teeeny tiny bottle of eye drops for you. But you won't find out until you go to the CVS drive-thru (AGAIN) that this teeeny tiny bottle will cost you $92.00. But you get another coupon for a free yeast infection!

3. I need insurance. Or maybe I just need to commit a crime in order to get a good health plan....anyone wanna go in on a white collar group plan? I need to get my teeth cleaned.

4. I am totally okay with being another year older. (Look out 25, here I come!)
5. If you are pissed off that the flower shop is closed when you are trying to buy yourself flowers on your birthday, you should totally buckle your seat belt before you start the car. Also, you should probably have working tail lights on your car before pulling out in front of a motorcycle cop. Otherwise the nice police officer will give you a ticket....and say "Happy birthday" at the end...which makes your flowerless ass seem even MORE pathetic.

6. Getting your eyebrows "threaded" involves a woman holding a piece of string....with one end in her mouth and the other end twisted between her fingers to make a "cat's in the cradle" formation with your eyebrow hairs. And if you cannot control the loud belly-laughing during the "treatment"....you should tip her more and "never come back."

PS. My eyebrows look amazing. Go saliva!

7. "Feed a cold" and "Starve a Fever" are two phrases that my mother apparently invented. My 3.6 pound weight gain should be called "Thanks Mom!"

8. Sometimes in LA, there is a shooting outside the building where you work. And if you're lucky, there will also be a S.W.A.T. team and helicopters, and an armed gunman on the loose, which makes "work" seem more like "jail," because you can't leave the building for 8 hours. But at the end of the day, RIGHT before they catch the armed gunman....they'll let you walk to your car unattended and say it's safe. MY COMPANY CARES!!!

9. When you're in grade school....someone passes you a note and asks you to "go out" with them...and it's a HUGE DEAL. You're pretty much married. But you don't talk to each other at all. Maybe you sit two seats away from each other on the bus, but that's as close as you get, because they are gross.

10. When you're an adult...and you mistakenly say that you're "seeing someone" or "dating" someone- even though you are talking a lot, sitting NEXT to each other on the couch...talking on the phone, texting and laughing about stupid shit....and/or copulating in an awesomely awkward way (can't do THAT on recess!)....he's probably going to freak out, because he just thought you guys were "hanging out." I should make a fucking chart. Because if "going out" feels like marriage, why does "hanging out" feel like grade school?

11. St. Joseph's Hospital in Denver is a source of pain in my life. It's a pretty building...but I want to burn it down. It's where I used to have to go if I broke an ankle during a play or came down with strep on the weekend- the ER is NOT a place of fun OR hope. Thos ugly pink hospital rooms hold my first memories of my Dad being sick. That smell will never go away in my brain. It's the place I spent many hours visiting him, but I never wanted to go. It's where my mom is lying right now, and where she has to go daily for her radiation and/or chemotherapy. Apparently it's where my family goes to die...or at least where they go to fight for their life when Kaiser throws in the towel on them. And I fucking hate it. When I had my own apartment, I used to live right across the street....I could see it from my window, and I would drive by it every day. And I didn't realize how much I hated it until today, when I thought about having to walk in the building to visit my mom. The Catholics are nice....but their hospital can go to hell.

12. ANGER MAKES A GOOD BLOG!

DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU’RE CRAZY!?

Okay....so I have been making some strange choices lately....But I KNOW that these choices are a little crazy...so doesn't that make me sane?

They aren't scary choices....like, I'm not on drugs or anything. But I'm doing things that are pretty uncharacteristic...maybe I'm changing...or maybe I'm crazy.

I am having fun and not hurting anyone....but sometimes I wonder if this period of my life is going to be the subject of my next one woman show.

I guess if that is the case....I say BRING ON THE COMEDY. It's gonna help the show, right?

CHECK OUT MY NEW EYE SPACE PAGE!!

So....remember in metal shop in high school....you had to watch the film strips that taught you the importance of wearing safety goggles while working on machinery? We called them the "Bloody Eye Films"



People would hold up the pair of safety goggles that saved their eyeball, and they would usually have a shard of metail sticking out of them. They were part of the "Wise Owl Club"....because they wore their safety goggles like a wise owl. (what??)



Well...someone should have given me a pair of safety goggles before I went bowling last night. I had no idea it was so dangerous!

WHAT I'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

1. I'm in L-O-V-E with my new hair dryer. Seriously.

2. Pity Parties are no fun by yourself.

3. Dog birthday parties are fun, but not sanitary. I played with some slobbery pups, and remembered NOT washing my hands just as I was licking icing off my fingers. mmmmmm.

4. I am almost always late mailing in parking tickets. Hence the legal notice from the nice law firm in Denver. Here's your $60; now shove it up your retainer.

5. I want to meet the guy who invented the terms "MEAT CURTAINS" and "BEEF SHEETS".....and teach him a lesson.

6. When you make 7-layer dip with vegetarian ground "beef" it feels like you are the star of your own personal Foldgers commercial ("These customers don't know it, but we switched out their regular ground beef with Yves...") If they can't tell the difference, why should we?

7. Sometimes I mix up my coffee and shampoo commercials.

8. I have added two new restaurants to my list of favorites: Katsuya and Paru's (indian vegetarian).

9. Just because it's a comedy show does not mean it's funny.

10. I can set boundries!

11. People really love my new voice mail message.

12. I am 83% stalkable. And I'm 91% paranoid. So I'm playing it 98% safe.

13. I still like to hear gossip even if I'm not part of it anymore.

14. My bowling is REALLY inconsistent.

15. When someone initiates a video chat without asking first....it feels like a long warm hug from a sweaty stranger.

16. Just because you're an attorney doesn't mean you have a good job.

17. Starbucks makes cupcakes. But I'm sure they are fair trade...

18. I have 28 pairs of shoes, 10 of which I wear regularly....but I can't seem to part with the other 18 pairs.

19. I need to call Oprah before I become a shoe hoarder.

20. If you can't find the charger for your cordless sweeper on the internet, that's probably God's way of telling you vacuuming is overrated.

21. Double U's and Double R's make a word look wrong.

22. I should have stopped at 20.

Remember this?

I have FINALLY figured out the reason I could never post pictures in my blog-I had my settings all jacked up.

SO....now...what you have all been waiting for:



PS. Divorce Pic below!

PHOENIX: SUCK IT.

Things were going great. Then I left for four months…to do fun things and make some great money, in order to have some freedom to make more great things happen. Then I got back. And things were good…for a while. Not great, but I had this new outlook on life: RELAX. Everything happens for a reason, and I don't need to kill myself in the "hustle." I just need to trust that it's going to work out, do the work, and LIVE my life.

"Invest in the life you have in order to get the life you want…"

That was working well...and then some crap happened. Then some other crap…then some funny crap, and some completely horrible crap.

WHAT THE CRAP!?

I read an article on some new-age website about how things were supposed to be wrapping up and falling away at the end of 2007, and by the middle of January 2008, things were going to be starting new, fresh- great things were supposed to rise up from the ashes.

It feels like the only things rising from the ashes are more ashes.

GOOD NEWS?

I found out today that I'm officially divorced.

So I guess that means I have to retire a couple jokes...

Hey guys, READ the sign. The line forms to the LEFT...

HERE LIES MARRIAGE

b. 2/28/97 (courthouse) and 7/26/97(wedding)
d. 1/30/08



Divorce Picture!!

WHAT AM I GONNA WEAR!?!???

I've been holed up in my house all day...writing and putting so much thought into the logistics of the show tomorrow that it just hit me:

WHAT AM I GONNA WEAR!??!?

I unpacked one of my cruise suitcase today, filled with clothes I haven't thought of in two months. The days of tank tops seem so far away....like the days of free rent and free food, or a non-socially-retarded man-friend.

I got a shiny red shirt for the holidays...but red seems so December. Or maybe it's early Valentine's Day, which feels pathetic.

I found my spanks- maybe I'll break out my low-cut black dress? Nah...then I'll have to be on "boob watch" all night.

The pink sequined top? Too skin-y.

Nothing that involves the strapless bra- I don't feel funny when my boobs jiggle like JELL-O.

T-shirt and jeans? hmmm....No. Isn't there a rule that you have to dress up for your own show?

What are Ben and Andrew gonna wear? Maybe we should match....is it too late to order bowling slash bad improv team shirts??

Saran-wrap dress and a thong? You wish. But it would look cool under the stage lights...

Nothing inolving uncomfortable shoes. Uncomfortable (girly) shoes = UNfunny Michelle. So....a skirt and sneakers? CLASSY. Attention girly girls with nice small feet who can wear heels for days: suck it!

No exposed calf...because then I'd have to shave my legs...and I am kind of going for a record here.

What about one of my "interview pantsuits" and sneakers? Look out Portia, there's a New ELLEN in town!

My new glasses or Contacts? Hair flipped out? or under? rings? or necklace?

Should I polish my nails?? Should I try a new eyeshadow technique?? False eyelashes???

Jeeeeez. It's SO HARD being a girl! I'm glad I have this blog to figure things out, because I used to have write ths kind of stuff down on an actual piece of paper...killing a tree one indecision at a time.

Maybe I'll just throw on the shirt I got from work the other day- it's a t-shirt with the playboy bunny and it says, "I POSED TODAY." That's funny on a lot of levels.

WISH ME LUCK!