Do you want to be my friend? My REAL friend?
All you have to do is follow these three simple rules:
1. DO NOT sleep with the man that I am in love with/sleeping with or was emotionally destroyed by. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, and it should be a given, but I'm spelling it out for the dumb whores of the world.
2. NEVER under any circumstances wear a CHRISTMAS SWEATER...or any other holiday themed clothing for that matter, even if you are a kindergarten teacher! I do not care. This will be the end of our friendship. No questions asked. ZERO TOLERANCE.
3. TELL ME IF I HAVE A BOOGER. Seems simple, right? But you would be surprised how many people will let you go the whole day with a giant booger hanging out of your nose. And why should you have to be dependant on a mirror when there are PEOPLE around who could save you? BUT NO. Those people are dicks.
Anyone who would let you go around with a booger hanging out and not tell you is not a friend. And don't be surprised if they hump the guy you are dating.
P.S. Everyone who was around me from 3-6pm today at work can suck a bag of napalm.
P.P.S. Your boyfriend is ugly so don't worry. But you have a booger, and I love you.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
WHAT I'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK
1. Funerals can be funny.
2. Doing a comedy set after a funeral can make you feel like a comedic genius and the worst person in the world at the same time.
3. When a family member asks you to sign an autograph at a funeral (and has you sign on the back of a cardboard pantyhose insert) you have truly made it.
4. Late night closure talks with ex-boyfriends can be very enlightening and liberating. THANK YOU. You are excused.
5. I spend too much time living in the WHAT IF rather than in the NOW. Just enjoy it douchebag!
6. NO matter how much food I buy at the grocery store, I never feel like cooking any of it when I get home.
7. Gayle and Oprah secretly hate each other after that road trip (do you see the way they look at each other now?) You can't spend that much time in a car with a good friend and not hate them by the end. MARK MY WORDS: THEY ARE GONNA BREAK UP.
8. Being around people that make me laugh is essential to my survival. Even if I am laughing at them.
9. My new Motto: PATIENCE: TRY IT NOW!
2. Doing a comedy set after a funeral can make you feel like a comedic genius and the worst person in the world at the same time.
3. When a family member asks you to sign an autograph at a funeral (and has you sign on the back of a cardboard pantyhose insert) you have truly made it.
4. Late night closure talks with ex-boyfriends can be very enlightening and liberating. THANK YOU. You are excused.
5. I spend too much time living in the WHAT IF rather than in the NOW. Just enjoy it douchebag!
6. NO matter how much food I buy at the grocery store, I never feel like cooking any of it when I get home.
7. Gayle and Oprah secretly hate each other after that road trip (do you see the way they look at each other now?) You can't spend that much time in a car with a good friend and not hate them by the end. MARK MY WORDS: THEY ARE GONNA BREAK UP.
8. Being around people that make me laugh is essential to my survival. Even if I am laughing at them.
9. My new Motto: PATIENCE: TRY IT NOW!
Monday, March 26, 2007
IF I KNEW YOU WERE COMING...
"If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake."
oh wait. I did bake a cake.
Well...I tried.
It still has 10 minutes, but it doesn't look good. I'm mourning it already.
TOO MUCH BATTER in a springform pan. (the muffin pan was dirty, there wasn't another cake pan, everything happened so fast).
Please send cards (and cake) at your leisure.
-Betty Crocked It
oh wait. I did bake a cake.
Well...I tried.
It still has 10 minutes, but it doesn't look good. I'm mourning it already.
TOO MUCH BATTER in a springform pan. (the muffin pan was dirty, there wasn't another cake pan, everything happened so fast).
Please send cards (and cake) at your leisure.
-Betty Crocked It
Thursday, March 22, 2007
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A HORRIBLE PERSON
I am a horrible person.
In the middle of the funeral for my beautiful grandmother, I got the giggles.
The guy giving a speech wiped his nose....but he didn't just wipe it. He went in there like a roto rooter. TWICE. After the first time, I was a little stunned, but the second time he stopped his sentence to SNAKE IT OUT, I couldn't control the giggle.
Also, I wanted to remember a few things that happened during the service, so I took out a pen and starting taking notes. That solidified it. I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON.
But Life happens, and death happens...and the moments that happen in the middle of it all can be very funny.
1. During one of the speeches about my grandmother, someone mentioned that she used to work at a department store, but she was very poor, so she didn't have the money to buy the dresses in the girls' department for her two daughters. So she would examine a dress, and then go home and cut the pattern from memory, and make the same dresses for her girls out of flour sacks. My grandma was a selfless, kind, amazing woman, who could also sew.
What kind of story will someone tell at my funeral?
"Michelle was so obsessed with herself that she jotted down notes for possible future jokes at her Grandmother's funeral." How touching.
2. Since I live in a different state now, I have only seen my grandmother a couple times since August (when she was healthy and vibrant and hilarious as always.) I saw her around Christmas, and then a couple weeks ago. Both times she was in the hospital, struggling with a mysterious group of symptoms that the doctors couldn't figure out for five months (HOW ABOUT WE TEST FOR CANCER before it takes over her entire body YOU JACKHOLES!??!?!) Anyway, I was trying to cheer her up and make her laugh when I saw her this last time.
"Okay Grandma....we've got to quit meeting like this. The last two times I've seen you, you've been in the hospital, in these ugly gowns. So next time I see you, you better be wearing a dress."
YEAH. I said that.
Well...she was wearing a dress....a beautiful white dress that she had made herself (I guess it was technically "funeral/temple clothing" because she was Mormon).
I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON.
3. The people of my grandmother's church offered to make a dinner for the family, which was very nice. It gave us a chance to decompress after the long day of crying. And it gave us a chance to discover a beautiful tradition of the Mormon Church:
FUNERAL POTATOES. (there was a picture of these in the hallway of the church, with the following description):
"Made by angels and kissed by God himself, Funeral Potatoes are sent straight from Heaven for every post-funeral meal. Built with Cheese, potatoes, cheese, potatoes, cheese, cheese, cheese, and topped with cornflakes ("angel crunchies"), God sends them to remind of us of the delicate balance of life; we are encouraged to enjoy the artery-blocking power of the ingredients and feel the comfort it provides during our grief, but warned not to forget where we came from and where we will go if we eat too much."
I ATE TOO MUCH. Because I'll probably never get the chance to eat Funeral Potatoes again, and I'm writing this, because although I may seem like a horrible person, it's the only way I know how to say:
I love you Grandma. And I will remember you in your cute dresses, full of life and energy...laughing with us and making us laugh with your offbeat sense of humor. Quietly observing and unconditionally loving all of us, despite our flaws. Choosing to give us your unsolicited opinions rarely, but knowing when we needed to hear them. ALWAYS remembering our birthdays, and making goodie bags for Christmas. I am going to miss the fudge, the can of tasteless Mormon shredded chicken, the amazing funeral potatoes, and most of all your beautiful spirit.
The next time I see you, I'll be wearing a dress too.
In the middle of the funeral for my beautiful grandmother, I got the giggles.
The guy giving a speech wiped his nose....but he didn't just wipe it. He went in there like a roto rooter. TWICE. After the first time, I was a little stunned, but the second time he stopped his sentence to SNAKE IT OUT, I couldn't control the giggle.
Also, I wanted to remember a few things that happened during the service, so I took out a pen and starting taking notes. That solidified it. I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON.
But Life happens, and death happens...and the moments that happen in the middle of it all can be very funny.
1. During one of the speeches about my grandmother, someone mentioned that she used to work at a department store, but she was very poor, so she didn't have the money to buy the dresses in the girls' department for her two daughters. So she would examine a dress, and then go home and cut the pattern from memory, and make the same dresses for her girls out of flour sacks. My grandma was a selfless, kind, amazing woman, who could also sew.
What kind of story will someone tell at my funeral?
"Michelle was so obsessed with herself that she jotted down notes for possible future jokes at her Grandmother's funeral." How touching.
2. Since I live in a different state now, I have only seen my grandmother a couple times since August (when she was healthy and vibrant and hilarious as always.) I saw her around Christmas, and then a couple weeks ago. Both times she was in the hospital, struggling with a mysterious group of symptoms that the doctors couldn't figure out for five months (HOW ABOUT WE TEST FOR CANCER before it takes over her entire body YOU JACKHOLES!??!?!) Anyway, I was trying to cheer her up and make her laugh when I saw her this last time.
"Okay Grandma....we've got to quit meeting like this. The last two times I've seen you, you've been in the hospital, in these ugly gowns. So next time I see you, you better be wearing a dress."
YEAH. I said that.
Well...she was wearing a dress....a beautiful white dress that she had made herself (I guess it was technically "funeral/temple clothing" because she was Mormon).
I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON.
3. The people of my grandmother's church offered to make a dinner for the family, which was very nice. It gave us a chance to decompress after the long day of crying. And it gave us a chance to discover a beautiful tradition of the Mormon Church:
FUNERAL POTATOES. (there was a picture of these in the hallway of the church, with the following description):
"Made by angels and kissed by God himself, Funeral Potatoes are sent straight from Heaven for every post-funeral meal. Built with Cheese, potatoes, cheese, potatoes, cheese, cheese, cheese, and topped with cornflakes ("angel crunchies"), God sends them to remind of us of the delicate balance of life; we are encouraged to enjoy the artery-blocking power of the ingredients and feel the comfort it provides during our grief, but warned not to forget where we came from and where we will go if we eat too much."
I ATE TOO MUCH. Because I'll probably never get the chance to eat Funeral Potatoes again, and I'm writing this, because although I may seem like a horrible person, it's the only way I know how to say:
I love you Grandma. And I will remember you in your cute dresses, full of life and energy...laughing with us and making us laugh with your offbeat sense of humor. Quietly observing and unconditionally loving all of us, despite our flaws. Choosing to give us your unsolicited opinions rarely, but knowing when we needed to hear them. ALWAYS remembering our birthdays, and making goodie bags for Christmas. I am going to miss the fudge, the can of tasteless Mormon shredded chicken, the amazing funeral potatoes, and most of all your beautiful spirit.
The next time I see you, I'll be wearing a dress too.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Four trips and a funeral.
I get to go to Denver again next week!
For a funeral!
It's my fourth trip back home since I moved to LA!
I wish they had different types of exclamation points for their different meanings.
BUT I will be in town on a Tuesday, which means I get to do the Squire!
That makes me happy.
Good with the bad....
For a funeral!
It's my fourth trip back home since I moved to LA!
I wish they had different types of exclamation points for their different meanings.
BUT I will be in town on a Tuesday, which means I get to do the Squire!
That makes me happy.
Good with the bad....
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
ASSSSPEN = Funny
Last week, I went to the Aspen Comedy festival. It's in Aspen. It's frickin' cold and HARD TO BREATHE in Aspen, thanks to my new "LA Blood." I'm not exactly sure when the transfusion happened, but it did.
Some wierd stuff happened.
Steven Wright slid past me at a party, and before I realized who it was, he was gone. Then at one point, he was talking to my boy (Josh) Blue, and they looked so cute with their beards and funny-ness. But I couldn't grab my camera fast enough to get a picture. However, I did get a picture of the best meal of the week.
BUT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO POST IT HERE. DAMN YOU PHOTOBUCKET.
I saw fewer shows this year, because I spent a lot of late nights at parties, and consequently a lot of time sleeping it off in the morning. The parties were worth the loss of sleep, because I met a lot of cool people with big creative jobs and/or a great sense of humor. Both types are fascinating to talk to.
I saw more fur than I've ever seen at a zoo. Just because it's ASPEN doesn't mean you have to advocate death, you douchebags. But as I walked 1.5 miles to a party in the bitter cold, all I could think was, "Gee, I wish there was something that I could kill right now that would make me warm." I never saw any animals, and I didn't bring my cowboy hat, so I couldn't have pulled the outfit together anyway.
During an awards presentation, William Baldwin made a reference to something that happened at a party that I attended and witnessed. It was strange. I wonder if he knows Kevin Bacon too...?
I celebrated my birthday unceremoniously. And since I live in LA now, I have to say it was my 25th, and laugh coyly. oooohhhhh hahahahahah. I'm so YOUNG and adorable! Who wants to buy me a drink?
I had fun hanging out with my friend Ben Kronberg. He is hilarious. And a giant douche. And when he's famous, I'm gonna tell people that he stole my jokes. It's not true, but it's publicity right?
Overall, a great week in funny-town. And now it's back to reality...
Luckily, reality is pretty fun right now too.
Some wierd stuff happened.
Steven Wright slid past me at a party, and before I realized who it was, he was gone. Then at one point, he was talking to my boy (Josh) Blue, and they looked so cute with their beards and funny-ness. But I couldn't grab my camera fast enough to get a picture. However, I did get a picture of the best meal of the week.
BUT I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO POST IT HERE. DAMN YOU PHOTOBUCKET.
I saw fewer shows this year, because I spent a lot of late nights at parties, and consequently a lot of time sleeping it off in the morning. The parties were worth the loss of sleep, because I met a lot of cool people with big creative jobs and/or a great sense of humor. Both types are fascinating to talk to.
I saw more fur than I've ever seen at a zoo. Just because it's ASPEN doesn't mean you have to advocate death, you douchebags. But as I walked 1.5 miles to a party in the bitter cold, all I could think was, "Gee, I wish there was something that I could kill right now that would make me warm." I never saw any animals, and I didn't bring my cowboy hat, so I couldn't have pulled the outfit together anyway.
During an awards presentation, William Baldwin made a reference to something that happened at a party that I attended and witnessed. It was strange. I wonder if he knows Kevin Bacon too...?
I celebrated my birthday unceremoniously. And since I live in LA now, I have to say it was my 25th, and laugh coyly. oooohhhhh hahahahahah. I'm so YOUNG and adorable! Who wants to buy me a drink?
I had fun hanging out with my friend Ben Kronberg. He is hilarious. And a giant douche. And when he's famous, I'm gonna tell people that he stole my jokes. It's not true, but it's publicity right?
Overall, a great week in funny-town. And now it's back to reality...
Luckily, reality is pretty fun right now too.
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