THREE RULES OF BEING MY FRIEND

Do you want to be my friend? My REAL friend?

All you have to do is follow these three simple rules:

1. DO NOT sleep with the man that I am in love with/sleeping with or was emotionally destroyed by. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, and it should be a given, but I'm spelling it out for the dumb whores of the world.

2. NEVER under any circumstances wear a CHRISTMAS SWEATER...or any other holiday themed clothing for that matter, even if you are a kindergarten teacher! I do not care. This will be the end of our friendship. No questions asked. ZERO TOLERANCE.

3. TELL ME IF I HAVE A BOOGER. Seems simple, right? But you would be surprised how many people will let you go the whole day with a giant booger hanging out of your nose. And why should you have to be dependant on a mirror when there are PEOPLE around who could save you? BUT NO. Those people are dicks.

Anyone who would let you go around with a booger hanging out and not tell you is not a friend. And don't be surprised if they hump the guy you are dating.

P.S. Everyone who was around me from 3-6pm today at work can suck a bag of napalm.

P.P.S. Your boyfriend is ugly so don't worry. But you have a booger, and I love you.