WHAT I’VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

This one is a DOOOOOZIE!

1. CVS has what they call "minute Clinic" where if you have a white lab coat, and you can operate a computer mouse and a credit card machine, YOU CAN PRACTICE MEDICINE!!

PS. I had a sinus infection, so the mouse clicks determined I needed antibiotics....and because I have a CVS discount card, I got a free coupon for a yeast infection- redeemable at the checkout!

2. If you have a strange pattern of redness in your eye, and a suspiscious white dot on your cornea...you should go see the nice eye doctor whose name I can't pronounce. He is cool. And he'll prescribe a teeeny tiny bottle of eye drops for you. But you won't find out until you go to the CVS drive-thru (AGAIN) that this teeeny tiny bottle will cost you $92.00. But you get another coupon for a free yeast infection!

3. I need insurance. Or maybe I just need to commit a crime in order to get a good health plan....anyone wanna go in on a white collar group plan? I need to get my teeth cleaned.

4. I am totally okay with being another year older. (Look out 25, here I come!)
5. If you are pissed off that the flower shop is closed when you are trying to buy yourself flowers on your birthday, you should totally buckle your seat belt before you start the car. Also, you should probably have working tail lights on your car before pulling out in front of a motorcycle cop. Otherwise the nice police officer will give you a ticket....and say "Happy birthday" at the end...which makes your flowerless ass seem even MORE pathetic.

6. Getting your eyebrows "threaded" involves a woman holding a piece of string....with one end in her mouth and the other end twisted between her fingers to make a "cat's in the cradle" formation with your eyebrow hairs. And if you cannot control the loud belly-laughing during the "treatment"....you should tip her more and "never come back."

PS. My eyebrows look amazing. Go saliva!

7. "Feed a cold" and "Starve a Fever" are two phrases that my mother apparently invented. My 3.6 pound weight gain should be called "Thanks Mom!"

8. Sometimes in LA, there is a shooting outside the building where you work. And if you're lucky, there will also be a S.W.A.T. team and helicopters, and an armed gunman on the loose, which makes "work" seem more like "jail," because you can't leave the building for 8 hours. But at the end of the day, RIGHT before they catch the armed gunman....they'll let you walk to your car unattended and say it's safe. MY COMPANY CARES!!!

9. When you're in grade school....someone passes you a note and asks you to "go out" with them...and it's a HUGE DEAL. You're pretty much married. But you don't talk to each other at all. Maybe you sit two seats away from each other on the bus, but that's as close as you get, because they are gross.

10. When you're an adult...and you mistakenly say that you're "seeing someone" or "dating" someone- even though you are talking a lot, sitting NEXT to each other on the couch...talking on the phone, texting and laughing about stupid shit....and/or copulating in an awesomely awkward way (can't do THAT on recess!)....he's probably going to freak out, because he just thought you guys were "hanging out." I should make a fucking chart. Because if "going out" feels like marriage, why does "hanging out" feel like grade school?

11. St. Joseph's Hospital in Denver is a source of pain in my life. It's a pretty building...but I want to burn it down. It's where I used to have to go if I broke an ankle during a play or came down with strep on the weekend- the ER is NOT a place of fun OR hope. Thos ugly pink hospital rooms hold my first memories of my Dad being sick. That smell will never go away in my brain. It's the place I spent many hours visiting him, but I never wanted to go. It's where my mom is lying right now, and where she has to go daily for her radiation and/or chemotherapy. Apparently it's where my family goes to die...or at least where they go to fight for their life when Kaiser throws in the towel on them. And I fucking hate it. When I had my own apartment, I used to live right across the street....I could see it from my window, and I would drive by it every day. And I didn't realize how much I hated it until today, when I thought about having to walk in the building to visit my mom. The Catholics are nice....but their hospital can go to hell.

12. ANGER MAKES A GOOD BLOG!