WHAT I'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

1. I'm in L-O-V-E with my new hair dryer. Seriously.

2. Pity Parties are no fun by yourself.

3. Dog birthday parties are fun, but not sanitary. I played with some slobbery pups, and remembered NOT washing my hands just as I was licking icing off my fingers. mmmmmm.

4. I am almost always late mailing in parking tickets. Hence the legal notice from the nice law firm in Denver. Here's your $60; now shove it up your retainer.

5. I want to meet the guy who invented the terms "MEAT CURTAINS" and "BEEF SHEETS".....and teach him a lesson.

6. When you make 7-layer dip with vegetarian ground "beef" it feels like you are the star of your own personal Foldgers commercial ("These customers don't know it, but we switched out their regular ground beef with Yves...") If they can't tell the difference, why should we?

7. Sometimes I mix up my coffee and shampoo commercials.

8. I have added two new restaurants to my list of favorites: Katsuya and Paru's (indian vegetarian).

9. Just because it's a comedy show does not mean it's funny.

10. I can set boundries!

11. People really love my new voice mail message.

12. I am 83% stalkable. And I'm 91% paranoid. So I'm playing it 98% safe.

13. I still like to hear gossip even if I'm not part of it anymore.

14. My bowling is REALLY inconsistent.

15. When someone initiates a video chat without asking first....it feels like a long warm hug from a sweaty stranger.

16. Just because you're an attorney doesn't mean you have a good job.

17. Starbucks makes cupcakes. But I'm sure they are fair trade...

18. I have 28 pairs of shoes, 10 of which I wear regularly....but I can't seem to part with the other 18 pairs.

19. I need to call Oprah before I become a shoe hoarder.

20. If you can't find the charger for your cordless sweeper on the internet, that's probably God's way of telling you vacuuming is overrated.

21. Double U's and Double R's make a word look wrong.

22. I should have stopped at 20.