WHAT I'VE LEARNED THIS WEEK

1. When you find a cheap hotel just in a beach town, you should find out if a bunch of cult members killed themselves there BEFORE you make the reservation. (The free Nikes were a nice touch, though...)

2. If a guy offers to buy you a drink and then switches his wedding ring to the other hand, RUN. And for God's sake, DO NOT go to the Karaoke bar he recommends...unless you like watching white trash procreate on the dance floor.

3. I hate most children, but love most dogs. Dogs don't scream incessantly, steal the last waffle, and then leave the table sticky. And if they do, you can bring them back to the pound.

4. It is more fun to perform for people in 12-step programs than people in a bar. The coffee and cookies crowd LISTENS.

5. Timing is important.

6. Michelle Buteau is afraid of surfers.

7. When a group of guys take a trip to Thailand....it's probably not for "relaxation purposes."

8. If a guy comes up to you at a bar, says something quasi-complementary and pinches your neck fat for no reason, MARRY HIM. Do not freak out and/or make fun of him for three hours by going around pinching the neck fat of your friends...MARRY HIM. HE IS THE ONE!

9. I am "hot." When did that happen?

10. I am a much nicer/happier person when I live by myself.

11. When you put off important things, like divorce....the Universe sends you a little reminder, like a kidney punch in the form of "TAXES OWED." THANKS Universe....I'm spitting up blood, and it tastes like regret.